Auriol Hays

Rumi once said  ” Someone who does not run towards the allure of love walks a road where nothing lives.” I am sharing this in honour of my First Love.

                  I carried his name within me for so long. In my back pocket, under the pillows of my bed and in between the lines of unfinished poems…
We sat a lot, on couches, the floor, the grass, in between my father’s school books. We walked even more – from my house to his, the longest route possible, from the kitchen to the backyard, around people cooking, screaming, arguing. And there was something about   his voice…how it twisted itself around consonants and vowels. Delicately he  anchored them  so I could listen, understand.   We were our own planet and he was my first step into the confusing world of love.

I don’t remember how it ended or why but being loved by him taught me something I kept forgetting as I got older. Love is fueled by sharing. You open your mouth, your world, and pour the big, inconsequential and banal things out of your heart and into theirs.

When I write a new song I always send it to people who understand and know me best. Later I send it to “fans” or people who are invested in my music. And always a wonderfully strange thing happens. Instead of simply saying “I like this song” or “It does nothing for me” I get intimate peaks into their lives. When I finally got the final mix for the song Over My Shoulders, I sent it to Christopher. “The new album is driven by a central theme, the unraveling of a relationship”, I casually remarked. “I like concept albums,” he said. “It tells a story. I hope all your future works will be the same.”

Instead of thinking of future albums I wondered about my life. If it had an overarching theme or concept and if I was living up to it or not.  For so long I lived my life by default. For the last three years I felt like I was living in purgatory of sorts. Weeks would go by in a blur and I could neither control nor understand why that was. So it is rather fitting that my new album is called Anima Sola…

Music changed all that and brought greater focus to my life. Even during those times when my life felt like it was going to hell, music always kept me sane. That’s another thing I learnt. When one is in a troubling spot it is best to remain focused on what gives strength. “You are so strong” a friend once said. Strong, me? I think not. At best I never show what I feel and somehow that gets interpreted as strength. If only she knew how many times I felt overwhelmed, lonely or scared. And that’s when it struck me. I have to learn to manage my emotions and communicate that in a balanced way to those nearest to me. And that is always an easy thing to do through music. Well, easier…take away the music and I am a mess.

In light of that epiphany I have decided to do something drastic.  I will audit myself so I know where and why failed.  And that means being brutally honest – not a pleasant experience. Then I will discuss my finding with my group of advisers (very good friends) and listen to their independent take on the matter. I don’t want to be burdened by sadness or nostalgia anymore. This purgatory business is boring me and it really is time for a change…

Maybe it’s because I was born under the “wrong” star sign or because I never listened to my parents but I always call things as I see them. And honestly most people are full of bulls**t. Everyone wants what they want faster than you can say please and thank you. I see this in the music industry especially. Build a brand, get that endorsement, a tv spot on a reality show and be “seen”. On the one hand it is rather sad and on the other, perhaps, a necessary evil. After all a little help here and there does make a big difference. Hell, I know of so many talented musicians who play their souls out for hours and walk away with barely enough to care for themselves let alone their families. Call me an idealist or plain naive but I firmly believe that if musicians really understood how their music affects people it would dramatically alter the way they worked and grace them with something more valuable than money or fame….reverence.

I always thought that every single person comes into this life equipped with everything they need to live a rewarding life. Granted some people struggle harder than most finding their talent…but once it is uncovered it changes the course of their lives and everyone they touch. Be it singing, cooking or flower decoration. We are all graced equally. In case you are wondering I am not drunk or under the influence of a religious cult. Well, I am not that drunk yet ….

Everyone knows how much I love Ben Harper’s music. I do get ripped off for it on a daily basis. Some call me a pervert…after all the man is not only a genius musician but delicious in so many unexpected ways. I will freely admit that I do get distracted by his beautiful face and tattoos (I am human after all). But if I put all of that aside what I value most is his ability to articulate, through music, what it means to be human. There have been days when I felt so unloved, so unworthy, ugly, ashamed…where I doubted the value of my very existence and was unable to get out of bed. Then I would listen to his music, his voice and feel the one thing I needed most – peace.

Being deeply rooted to that reverence changed the way I view music. I no longer pull up my nose in disdain when asked to sing a silly pop song. I know that for that second it allows people to feel something real, gives relief…a way through and out. I understand that it is never about me but what moves through me when I sing. That in itself is reward enough. Yes, I need to make money to get by…but that reverence has always given me more than enough when I needed it most. Brand endorsements will come if they need too but they are not necessary – neither is fame.

So I try to do my best, be as sincere as I am able to and give my all in every way I can. Whether it means singing Brenda Fassie’s Weekend Special, answering pointless emails on Facebook or wearing heels for more hours than is humanley possible. Above all I trust.. I revere… and if that comes with a cocktail or two – so much better!

“I told you…you can trust me” A man should never utter those words and expect me to believe him. If this sounds like the start of a bitter sweet song, you would be mistaken. Those words were uttered last night after the screening of Anima Sola, a movie directed by French Michel (also known as Michel Dujardin). He used a great deal of my music in his film. For a while I was convinced he knew no other musicians and therefore had no other choice but to use what was on hand!

If I had to be really honest I would state (hand on the bible) that I knew he was on to something at the first meeting. “While we work together I will pretend you are 28,” I said flippantly. A part of my brain refused to believe that one so young could be so…gifted. I am not just going on and on about this movie because my material was used or because people I know wrote and acted in it. I do have some larger point I would like to get across, so bare with me…

Over the last 2 years I have heard the strangest things. “You should try your best not to rely on people” someone in the entertainment industry once said. Now I can firmly say, “Bullocks to that!” I am a cautious, cynical Scorpio but somehow, when I wasn’t paying attention and probably while writing a song, a completely outlandish, totally unexpected thing happened. I learnt to trust myself…

“Everyone is your mirror” a teacher once told me. I hate that saying because I know it to be true. If I am distrustful of others it is not because they are inherently untrustworthy. More than anything it reflects how little faith and trust I have in myself. People like to think that the music industry is governed by the law “It’s not what you do but who you know” Again I have only one word to say “Bullocks!” At every blind corner in my career, when I had no idea what to do or where to turn to, serendipity stepped in and gifted me with something extraordinary. People. Not only were they willing to help me, they believed in my voice, my vision. It was always a perfect fit.

Strange as this may sound (or cocky depending on where you stand) I do believe that I will keep ‘running’ into people. Not because I am that talented or connected or rich or even pretty…but because I trust myself to know that music is my calling. And last night I was lucky enough to be surrounded by like minded people who, young as they seemed, trusted themselves as much as I learnt too…

I love Star Trek and Dr Who not only because of the aliens, hot men and interesting story lines. I know what you’re thinking, “She is just full of s**t. Watch something educational please! The world is filled with enough problems and you are wasting your time on tv shows!” Do allow me to explain…

I am very emotional and only learnt the extent of that energy when my daughter was born. I would go wherever the wind lured me. Often neglecting my studies and friends for boys – well, one boy in particular. Then my daughter was born and I had to re-evaluate everything. The end result being that I almost became a hermit and way too introspective. “Why did that happen to me and what was I suppose to learn from it?” In fact I would ask that about every encounter or person in my life -often driving my friends and myself crazy in the process.

I would then switch on the television at night and be confronted in a completely unexpected way. By  a character like Spok in Star Trek for example. He who was my polar opposite, seemingly devoid of emotions and reliant only on logic. “Could I do that?” I wondered? I quickly discovered that I could not, but that is the first time I learnt the value of emotions and how they can overwhelm and cloud my thinking.

The irony is my life was littered with Spocks. People who either refused to show emotions or simply did not know how too….and it drove me crazy. How can you argue with someone like that, tell me? I would be in tears unable to string a sentence together and they would stand there unaffected. As the years went by I did the only logical thing I knew too. I learnt to control, take in and withdraw what I felt.

Then music came along and all those barriers and defenses were blown to smithereens. How can I be a musician if I do not share honestly, sincerely? Music won’t allow me to lie…because, as cliché as it sounds, I am at my best and most sincere when I sing or write music. I no longer have to control, take in or withdraw. I also don’t need anyone to make me feel safe in that space…I do that for myself.

I could go on and on about how Star Trek and Dr Who do so much more than entertain. They tackle troubling issues such as cultural relativism, religious morality…in short we are confronted with our own human condition. Yes, it can be rather depressing (all those moral dilemmas) but always there’s a glimmer of hope at the end of each episode – and that was enough for me. Those two shows remind me that I should never give up or abandon my lust for adventure…even if my lust is confined only to music – for now.

I’m gonna let you in on a little secret: not everything in the music industry is fun. If it seems like I am bitching, forgive me. Some things take a little getting use to. Photo shoots are nerve wrecking. And after so many I still haven’t mastered the art of smiling on queue, ironing out my frown or posing provocatively. Corporate gigs are seldom fun because I tone everything down. I stand in one place, wear shoes and a dress and seldom speak. I have also learnt to not take offense if it seems like no one is listening. Now I don’t mind the dress and shoes bit, what kills me is the uncertainty. I never know whether I am doing a good job or not.

Nothing makes me happier than a call from Morgan or Tabitha informing me that I have work.  I love getting in a plane and being alone in a hotel room. It feels like a mini holiday. Along the way I have learnt a few about myself and my band. First things first: I should always have an extra dress and stocking on hand. At the last job my stockings ripped 20 minutes ahead of call time. If it weren’t for two very good friends who lived close by, some audience members would have been scarred for life or blinded at the very least.

This might sound outrageous and very anti – new age but here goes. Judge me later if you must. I have learnt to stop feeling grateful at every turn. Allow me to explain. When I first stepped into the music industry I was grateful for everything that came my way – even mediocre musicians and crappy gigs. I would always smile and say, “Thanks that sounds great!” I said that because I didn’t know any better. I am, for the most part, more selective and discerning now. As a musician I cannot afford not to be. After all no one knows my music better than I do…

Honestly, there is nothing better than playing a show on your own terms. In front of people who actually paid to be there….where I get so nervous and excited I can’t sleep or eat or think straight. I could never only play corporate gigs. It would kill me. So prevent my untimely death my band and I play corporate not for the client (shoo don’t tell them) – but for ourselves. As long as we can leave saying, “We played well” that’s good enough.

In the next few months I will have to fake pose for another photo shoot (arrg) when we launch the new album, Devil Woman.  I won’t make the same mistakes I did the first time round.  I have learnt to not swear on live radio, say crap seven times on Sunday morning tv or pull my face into a contorted expression when I sing the wrong note. See? You live, you learn…

My name is Auriol Hays and I am addict. My drug of choice is…. wait, I need to explain a few things first.  You see people are starting to notice. They say I am moody, cranky and general mess when I don’t have the “stuff” in my system. After numerous family interventions and dodgy dealers peddling inferior product, I have decided to come clean and state publicly ( and this is hard): My name is Auriol Hays and I am addicted to tv series.

I can trace this unhealthy habit back to the birth of my daughter. I was so bored back then I even got addicted to cricket. The Five Day matches were particularly thrilling and for a while I even fantasized about sitting on that patchy lawn in Newlands under an umbrella and with a beer (and I hate beer!) I can’t really remember my first dealer or what concoction hooked me. It is all a bit hazy right now to be honest, but that first hit was all it took.

A while back my daughter burst through the doors and declared “Teacher gave us an assignment. We can’t watch tv for a week and that includes you Mummy!” Phah! Pish! Posh! “I can do that easily!” I said. The teacher did not mention anything about computers or phones or other people’s houses, so I was in the clear – technically. Did I mention all that to my lovely daughter? I watched everything when I was certain she was asleep and after the week was done smiled oh so triumphantly and said, “See? I told you I could do it!”

I loved reading books with a supernatural twist when I was a kid. I recall sitting in Kuils River library for hours on end after the bell rang. This does explain why I enjoy writing the odd murder song. I even managed to guide my daughter’s reading to the fantasy/horror side. All I need to do is get her hooked on a good science fiction book then my work is done.

Honestly, after writing music or singing extensively, there is nothing better than chilling in front of my pc and zoning out on series. I have been known to overdose every so often – but luckily it has not landed me in any serious danger as yet. On a serious note though…behind all the drama, blood and gore – the storylines are deeply moving. My daughter has found me in tears at my computer many a times…

If you enter my home you will be met with silence unless I am writing music, cleaning, cooking or have people around. But my pc will always be humming away ever so serenely, assuring me that all is well in the world. On it you might find marauding zombies, people on an island trying to find their way home, a respectable teacher who cooks meth, two brothers on a righteous mission, a daring Time Lord or a house haunted with way too many ghosts and creepy side characters. I am talking about The Walking Dead, LOST, Breaking Bad, Supernatural, Dr Who and American Horror Story in case you were wondering…

But I want you to know…I need you to know that I am not ready yet. In fact I don’t think I ever will be ready to give them all up and go cold turkey. I am just not strong enough! And that bladdy BBC always airs innovative shows that lure me to my back ally dealers with their shifty eyes and fast fingers. Have you taken a look at Misfits, Being Human, or The Fades? Seriously, what chance does a girl really stand these days? What chance….?

“Hell is other people” I have heard this so often. I was about to say the same thing when I realized that “Hell is my perception of other people.” Honestly, I wish I weren’t so full of shit or weighed down by my expectations of others.  Sometimes I expect too much or too little. I am big enough to accept responsibility for that. After all no one else can be held accountable for the way I view others. When I loose faith in my ability to understand people only two things get me through – my love for my daughter and my love of music.

I don’t waltz over the keyboard immediately and start writing music. I lie on the bed with all my cats (they always know when it’s a code blue situation) and listen to Ben Harper for a while. Then I question myself about those expectations and what it reveals about my state of mind. I have been accused of over thinking, but if I do not take the time to understand myself who will? In the Wisdom of the Tao it says, “”One who understands others has knowledge. One who understands himself has wisdom. Mastering others requires force.  Mastering the self needs strength.” I am tired of feeling weak and out of control.

A recent visit to a homeopath was more than surprising. After 30 minutes she looked at me and said, “You do not share easily and keep everything locked inside you. This is why you are having problems breathing.” And I thought I just needed to exercise! When I troubles with people I do not share them – least of all with those involved. I talk my way around it, under it or try to resolve it through music.

If I weren’t a musician I would be a diplomat. I could spend all my time hiding behind other people’s troubles. But music doesn’t provide me with that as option. Ben Harper said it best,  ”You can’t fool music because it exposes you to the depth of who you are, who you really want to be….Whether I am honest as a man is up for debate within myself…but as a musician I know nothing but honesty.”

Sometimes things have to be said, confrontations had so that all that the energy can be released. But, first I have to deal with my ego, its conditioning, prejudices, expectations and once I am resolved – only then can I face with person I am having issues with. And if I am lucky a song comes…if not at least I have peace of mind for a while…

A friend of mine once said that happiness is selfish. You have to claim what you want and need. Most of us don’t though. We lie about who we are, what we are capable of giving and hope that no one catches us out.

The universe has a funny way of letting you know what’s up when you are too busy to pay attention. Strange things happen. Accidents, bad mojo and, in my case, a lot of confusing dreams. Once I was uncertain of a choice I had to make. I remember being in the car and silently asked for guidance. The answer came in a very unexpected way. Every light for at least 10 minutes was red. The answer could not have been clearer.

Sometimes I gain clarity through music. I have been accused of writing too many sad songs. I do this, I think, to confront and rid myself of my fears. By writing music I take what’s in my head and heart and …somehow am able to see myself clearly. The results are often a revelation “Damn! I didn’t know I felt that way!”

With each song I write and experience I have I come to understand what happiness could be and every morning ask for three things. That I am able to love myself and others sincerely. I got a wake up call when my daughter casually remarked, “Why do you always look so disgusted when you look in the mirror?” Dang kids…some of them are too observant and should be shot.

Then I ask for awareness. If I am not aware of my own shortcoming and why I sabotage myself it will be pointed out to me by others time and time again. That is not a pleasant experience. I link my flaws and blind spots to childhood conditioning.  As I grow older I discovered that a great deal of what I was taught is no longer relevant. I need to adjust and reassess and find new ways of being. Love, happiness and abundance have many different forms and all I need to do is spot them in time.

The last thing I ask for is music. Not only the ability to make music but to hear it in others. In the way they speak, the things they share, the food they make…their laughter, the things they can’t say. That, to me, is an act of love.

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”  Rumi, was one smart dude.