Auriol Hays

Awareness through music

Archive for July, 2009

Exit song…

We all do stupid thing, socially unacceptable things, things leave others shattered and other things that can get our asses kicked to high hell. Welcome to planet earth bitches…this is the way the cookie crumbles and the way the playas roll. So where am I going with all this you ask? Well, I recently learnt a few valuable lessons the hard way and I need to share it.

I can man up and say that I did some crazy, socially unacceptable shit and after coming to my senses I had to sit and wonder just how the fook I got there. See I was under the false impression that I was a “good” person, that I had things sorted out. I was so invested in the idea that I was this “good”, compassionate, socially, morally, esoterically and politically correct person that the inevitable happened. I got bitch slapped by the universe and a few people in it. In a series of moments all the ideas I had about who I thought I was fell away. I mean if I believed this…then how could I do and think that? In short the arrogance and certainty I once possessed about who I was… was gone. And all I was left with is the dark, horrible thought that I fooked up big time, hurt people and that yes, I am human and horribly imperfect.

A while back I wondered just what I was supposed to learn from all this life imploding drama, and then I remembered something my best friend once said. He told me that we can’t grow as people if we keep trying to do the right thing…keep trying to not make mistakes…or not step on people’s toes. Shit happens and all you can do is deal with it one moment at a time…

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Love Actually is…

I am one jaded person. This is true about most things I realized but about love especially. Chick flicks are the last thing I would watch. Now I won’t go into the why’s of it all, but I will admit to one dirty little secret. When I am feeling sorry for myself I watch shamelessly romantic movies in the dark by myself… with my cat. Sometimes (even though I watched the movie already) I even cry when that heart breaking scene comes! And just as I was about to reach for one of those damn addictive movies I stopped and asked myself, “Auriol, why are you doing this to yourself?”

One of my favorite writers said it best…it’s not that we are unhappy but for some the yearning for more is ever present. It’s that desire for something other, more wondrous…bigger…miraculous. It’s that ache in the pit of your stomach…that need for “it” that keeps you awake…. keeps you from settling down and just being well, satisfied.

Sure it would be great if… life had fewer shades of gray than it does…
If we could see past our own bullshit insecurities…..If… falling in love were harder…staying in love easier. But it doesn’t work that way. So when I settled down to watch that damn DVD it suddenly struck me. I watch those sloppy romantic movies because deep down….I want to recover my own sense of wonder not only about love but people…And when I can’t get it through my music or normal channels I watch a romantic movie, sob quietly and fall asleep with my cat Gandofini

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It’s complicated…

Let’s just be straight with one another….we all love sex. Jack likes it in the early hours of the morning while any time of day is good for Jenny, but Saul…well, he is just down right weird…lol! Now let’s not lie to each other…I know you have porn on you pc (hidden in some obscure file) and heaps of toys…but no one would never willingly admit to any of it! We are all just a bit too busy being prim and proper, politically correct and conscious…lol! All the fun and jokes aside sex (in my mind) is an energy and I suppose it’s how you use it that really matters.

When I played the Take it Slow music video to my daughter…for a few seconds a strange look crept up… About an hour later I asked her what she thought and her response was, “Well, I liked it Mummy but it sounded like you were having sex.” I swear I burst out laughing but then (a few minutes later)….I got concerned. Oh no.. just what was my dear child hearing that allowed her to make such a deduction! I suppose I don’t want anyone to think I am a saint…. Hmmm maybe like everyone else I am somewhere in between. And just like everyone else I get it wrong a lot!

Man, some of my friends tell me all their sex business without me even asking and while I am eating too! Sure I am glad that they feel comfortable enough to share with me…but eish…sometimes I could do with less information. Like the girl who feels she needs to be beaten up before she can get her rocks off. Yes, sexuality can be very, very complicated…

People should be brave enough to ask more questions….try new things…and see just if they like it. In my mind there is no bigger sin than lying to yourself…

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Don’t let me be misunderstood

Stupid things happen all the time but really dense things happen when alcohol and guns are involved. I got to see this first hand when two guys started fighting and one pulled out a gun. The police and three ambulances were on the scene within minutes. Luckily both parties were only slightly injured. But do you want to know what the silliest part of it all was? The source of all this ruckus and mayhem was a TV remote.

Now I won’t lie….I took cover the minute I heard Jackie shout (fearlessly), “Put away the gun!” Haroun and I found a safe hiding spot at the back of the kitchen during the madness. Did I mention that Jackie did this while the gun was pointed at her? Now that I am safe and sound under a lovely green blanket certain thoughts come to mind.

We all know stories about people who do silly shit because they couldn’t think straight. Most of the time I have laughed at those very stories….but when you are part of one…well, suddenly things are just not as comical anymore. When something happens that rattles me I always ask myself one question, “What did that teach me?”

I overheard a guru saying that every person is your teacher…..through every encounter something valuable can be learnt….even the animals and insects have messages if you pay close attention. Those two guys reminded me how important it is to feel. We live in quick fix society where everything is processed and ready to deliver. I told Ben (the barman) that those two men were bound to find each other. Nothing he could have done would have changed that. Sometimes the only way people find clarity or uncover a deeper truth about your self is through an experience like this. This gun fight reminded me that I don’t fear death….what I fear is being misunderstood.

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Before I forget

Love …desire … sex…intimacy. We are all guilty of loving too much.. too little…or too late. Around every corner I hear whisperings of “the way things should be” when it comes to love and relationships. Lines are drawn in the sand…this is the way you should act here and that is what you should do over there. And those who do cross lines are considered bitches/whores or worst yet liars. “No, it is not possible to feel that.” “What you are feeling is wrong….inappropriate.” I have always thought that our ideas about love are at best limited and sometimes just down right silly.

People want their lives and relationships to be simple and easy. Hell, my life is littered with…“things that should not happen” and “how could I be so stupid”. I made peace with the idea that I would be pounced by the bizarre and unexpected a long time ago. Life on my side is never dull…So I do accept the idea that you could love two people with great intensity in two completely different ways….or the ability to love earnestly when it is never reciprocated…or the sheer joy that comes with loving recklessly. I embrace them and putting them to music is my final act..

I always thought that the greatest risk you take happens when you are too sure of what you are doing…Anyway I was reading Before I forget on the plane ride back to CT and was struck by a few words on page 43. The characters spoke of the darkness of love…and how by delving into it we learn more about ourselves and our capacity to love. In fact our ability to really love is what ultimately determined whether we are free or not. As I look back on all the utterly stupid acts I committed all in the name of love…at least I am assured that I can still love… and that’s something I never want to forget.

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posted by auriol in love and have No Comments

And this too shall pass…

We all have those moments in our lives when things go horribly wrong…When we loose faith in people…faith in ourselves…faith in some higher power. You live your life obliviously… thinking and doing the stupidest shit – then something happens and the light bulb goes off. In fact it’s not a light bulb but a flood light. And all you are left with is yourself… In fact in that instant all you can see are your mistakes and any thoughts of perspective or seeing the silver lining are hurled out of the window because you realize that your life has just fallen apart…. Today has been one of those days for me.

This is not the first or last day like this either. We all have them…sometimes months on end. I know I have. I remember at high school we had a lively discussion about Faust who sold his soul to the devil. Everyone had some kind of opinion on it, and somewhere along the way I remember the idea of suicide came up. The class were unanimous in their view that suicide was morally wrong….except me. I remember my English teacher giving me this look that said…ooh that child needs to be watched…lol! I digress. In fact an epiphany during meditation changed the way I saw everything. In this meditation I saw every instance in which people in my life doubted the existence of a god. Different scenes and people were flashed in front of me. The theme being one of complete hopelessness. Finally I saw an image of myself crying on the bathroom floor asking only one question, “Where are you?” In the next moment I was shown the same images of all those people and at every turn I was given the answer. It was overwhelming…

It was that life altering moment that makes every day bearable. That makes those days when I think my life is meaningless manageable….because I have to believe that it will pass.

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I like horror movies. I won’t apologize for it. Some people like thrillers while others like porn. I don’t judge them or their choices. I, on the other hand am a simple girl who loves watching horror movies. I guess it all stems from my childhood days when I would spend hours at the library reading all the grizzly, ghostly stories I could lay my hands on. Right now one of my favorite movies happens to be Underworld: Rise of the Lycans. Sure it’s about werewolves and the origins of their war against the aristocratic vampires who treated them like slaves, but the reason why I dig this movie is because it deals with universal themes.

Personally I don’t mind the murder, blood and gore…but even if you took away all that you would still left with a damn cool movie. At one point Lucian (Michael Sheen), the first werewolf able to take human form declares “We are not animals. We do have a choice. We can choose to be more than this. We can be slaves or we can be Lycans!” Now that is some powerful shit right there.

I don’t want to feel like a damn politician who just makes speeches about all the pearls of wisdom I picked up along the way. I seriously worry that people might actually think I know what I am talking about, am full of shit or (horror of horrors) that I have it all figured out. I really don’t know what I am doing most of the time and grab the bits of truth when they come flying my way. And I always seem to come across them in the most unexpected places – horror movies. Who says you have to read tons of esoteric books and go to workshops? We all find what we need eventually…

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Sometimes we want things we can’t have. Or we want things we can have – just at the wrong time and place. And when we see others getting everything they desire – we feel terrible…. I have been there. I use to look at my life and think it was meaningless because all those things I really wanted were nowhere within reach. I wish I could say that one day I just woke up and things magically clicked and I became as enlightened about the state of my life and the world as Buddha did under that tree. But I realized a funny thing as I walked around my townhouse garden this morning…

First I noticed that my favorite spider had moved house. Only when I looked at its old house did I realize why. His old web had become rather pointless….instead of catching insects…it was catching bits of flowers and useless crap. So my spider did what all spiders do…he moved. When I think of spiders …ideas of self sufficiency and creativity come to mind….literally taking your shit and creating something you need with it. And as I walked away from the spider I realized that over time I (just like the spider) had moved too…and by that I mean that I had left behind ideas and thoughts that were just not working.

Everything (for me) is about perspective. A while ago I use to wonder how I would get all the things and experiences I desire. When …oh when…would I have a fantastic band? When would I sing and be fearless about it? When would my song be on the radio? When and how? And the not knowing drove me crazy and made at time plunged me into depression. Now that I have many of the things I desired…I realized that those dudes who said that life is not about the destination but about the journey were right. Truthfully when I look back I get that there were just so many delicious things that happened along the way. I worked at a music-less job that I loved and was good at. …with terrible musicians…. passionless friends….annoying family members.

And this is where the gift of perspective comes in. If you can learn to find something meaningful in those experiences while you’re in it or after the fact… then you are one step closer to being free.

So yes, it was a kick hearing my voice on the radio….but as I did…I became aware of all the people and experiences (good and bad) that got me there….and only then did I crack one huge smile…

posted by auriol in My music and have No Comments

Human Nature…

Yes, this is about Michael Jackson and before you opt not to read any further let me first state that I am not about to rip him off. Why should I? He was one talented musician. Instead this blog post will deal with the way he lived and died. From all the reports I have read MJ was not a happy man at all in his last years. Let’s just pretend that certain rumors about him were true….that he was abusing prescription drugs and that he was gay and having mad love scenes with certain people. Would anyone in MJ’s camp would ever acknowledge it? Or would they be too invested in maintaining a certain image of him.

Honestly I don’t really care if he was gay or using drugs. What concerns me is this….what kind of pain causes anyone to resort to taking drugs or to acting a certain way simple get through the day? This is something that we all can relate to on some level. Hell, I have done some things that I have tried very hard to explain away. In other words I lied to myself…and sometimes we have to because the pain of what we are trying to mask is just too difficult to deal with. Sometimes my friends come to me with issues…and I don’t always take the hard line and say …shit boy deal with your stuff or your will be seriously fooked. Sometimes people can only deal with what they can deal with. This is what I did learnt with my father. Sure the man was not the best father on the planet, but he dealt with things in his life the only way he knew how.

I guess what I secretly hope for is that people open up about his death and the sad way he lived in those last years. Perhaps I am being a optimistic when I say that people would deal with his death with compassion and understanding….and stop trying to mask his flaws and faults because he was such a pop star. At the end of the day it’s about seeing not only MJ but everyone for who they are….warts and all

posted by auriol in famous people,life in general and have Comment (1)

What’s love got to do with it?

After being on the planet for a while now, I am convinced that I know absolutely nothing about love. I can’t say that there have been any good role models around to demonstrate what love is either. Sometimes I think that I am who I am… as a result of who the people in my life weren’t. I think this is true for most people. It’s this disillusionment that’s the real reason why I hate stupid movies and songs about love. I ignore them all because there is only one thing I am sure of and that is that love is bladdy hard work.

I am no teenager…I don’t expect butterflies or roses…lol! In fact over the years my expectations have decreased significantly. Now I look at love the way I would any other thing….with a certain degree of logic. You work at it and it pays off or it doesn’t. You reassess…do the sums and then take action. There is no magic formula there at all. And when I write a song about love I try to give an honest account of what’s going on because anyone who has ever been in love will tell you that love is a dirty business. I, like many other people, have said and done terrible things…all in the name of love.

So now that I am older I wonder a lot about love a lot more. I ask myself whether I am teaching my daughter anything useful through my actions. I, personally, have always thought my parents were lunatics. They are the typical couple who should never have married in the first place. They bitch and moan all the time…and then drag us into their fights. Life, over there, was always a bit too exciting for my liking…lol! And the only valuable thing they taught me is what love isn’t…and for that I am grateful…

For me love is so many things, and different elements can be found within different people. They all bring separate elements of self love to you. That I think is the ultimate gift…and also the reason why love can at time be so overwhelming…Well, this is what I’ve heard…

posted by auriol in love and have No Comments