Auriol Hays

Awareness through music

Archive for August, 2009

Black holes and revelations

Today I feel like the Grinch and instead of driving my neighbors crazy and stealing their stuff I think I will stay in my house until it wears off. I am having one of those days where I doubt just about everything. And just to let you know how out of sorts I am feeling…I can’t even decide what food to give my cats…lol! A while back someone once told me that doubt stops you from becoming complacent; it keeps you on your toes. On days like today I wonder if there is any truth to that…

I will be honest and say that bright and breezy people annoy me. I look at them and the following questions comes to mind….Are they on something? Do they know something I don’t? Are they in denial about the super kakness of their lives and can only cope by putting on a smiley face? Or are they just plain stupid? And what is really sad is that all those questions tell me is how I really feel about myself. They are clues that tell me how I perceive things and people. What I can say without any doubt is that lately my perception has been off. That has been the bane of my existence so far… if my perception is off…how I view events and people will be off…and what I consider truth could be wrong…and all the actions I took as a result of that truth are…off. And that, my friends, leads to more doubt and is the reason why I will be staying in my bed with a book today.

I need to find clarity …so Muse, Radiohead or any blues music is out of the question. No weed, alcohol or chocolates either. I think I will call up my sister instead, put on my serious depressing voice and listen to all her crazy drama until this passes.

posted by auriol in the pit and have Comment (1)

Mean old world..

Sometimes all we need is someone who can listen. It seems like such an obvious thing to say…“someone who can listen”… but not everyone can listen. Some people are so wrapped up in their own drama that they can’t hear, while others just won’t hear you when you talk about certain things. Now this does not make them bad people they just won’t be the ones I call when I am in a jam! And when I am having a super bad day the last thing I need is someone telling me what I should and should not do or feel. Seriously I am old enough to figure that one out myself! All I need at that moment is the space to say it and feel it. My sister and I often call each other up just to let off steam. She will go on and on about whatever guy is bugging her and I just listen and laugh. It is a system that seems to work well for us because we both know that no matter what happens – there will always be someone who can hear us out.

Finding people you trust is always tricky and the one thing I learnt is that those remarkable people do not come along often. I know people who walk around with their septic issues for years and never share it with anyone. I also discovered that we all have a bit of a Jesus complex going on. We all have that one person we want to rescue, help or just be around even though they are beyond redemption…lol! And if you think about it – it really makes perfect sense. If you are busy saving someone else you never have to look at your own issues. You never have to deal with what’s wrong in your life or the things you need but won’t allow yourself to have. And this is where the quality of “your people” really matter. Can they hear you? Do they have empathy? In fact can you hear them out….do you have those qualities that you seek in others?

I hate it when the things I write sound too esoteric because I know that having a truth and living it happen to be two different things altogether. Again it is tricky finding balance and in this mean old world it is the one thing that all of us struggle with….

posted by auriol in life in general and have No Comments

And everything else…

We are all guilty of over-thinking things. When some drama goes down we try to see all the angles, sort out hidden agendas and uncover the “truth”. In short we see everything beside what’s really in front of us. And when we can’t make head or tails of a situation we call up our friends. “That girl is such a bitch,” we say. “What kind of person is she?” we demand. Our friends do what friends do best – they stick their noses and any other body part into the mix and make it their business. In the end what you are left with is a bigger mess and any thoughts of gaining clarity are thrown out of the window. Yepp – you are unfortunately – fooked.

Then you sit alone wondering just how you got into this situation. You review the advice you have been given, listen to depressing music and hole yourself in your house. Well, that’s what I do! And then it hits you…You over-think and analyze, review and dissect so that you don’t have to make a choice – just not yet.

And there is nothing that I hate more than being in Limbo. Now let me give you the esoteric spin. Limbo gives you the time you need to gain clarity so that you can decide. But let’s be real – limbo sucks! And because it does we would rather listen to everyone else than go with our gut. So you don’t like your girlfriend (well not that much to stay with her) and you can’t face up to it or her. So you stay at work longer and find projects to work on so that you don’t have to go home. I am sure you get my point….

Deep down no one wants to admit that they don’t know what’s going on in their lives or how they got there. No one wants to admit that they are lost or feel as though they are out of choices. I could say things like, “all you have to do is decide” but getting to that point is never easy and the more you delay your decision the more people get involved and the messier it becomes.

In the end all you can do is trust – not in others but in yourself and remember that the only way to get out of a situation is to go through it….So when my friends turn to me and ask for any kind of advice all I try to do is listen, give them something to eat, put on Muse and hope that they like the music.

posted by auriol in life in general and have Comment (1)

Shrinking universe

When you have just been through a shit patch, just when you think that there is nothing that can ever make you feel as good, when everyone in your life feels like cheaper, jaded version of themselves, when you are so down and out that you don’t even realize it – it takes something wondrous and extraordinary…something so surprising to snap you out of it. Today I discovered MUSE and I don’t think I am going to get any sleep anytime soon. Now aside from their obvious brilliance listening to them reminded me why there is nothing better than being able to create something and give it back to others.

I never understood musicians who get so caught up in their insecurities that it stops them dead in their tracks or the ones obsessed with fame….or the ones who write music and never share any of it. Surely the capacity to create something that affects others and makes them feel good is enough reasons to leave shitty insecurities and fears behind? But hey everyone moves at their own pace and yes, it just takes time to puzzle out your bigger picture.

And yes, I get nervous when I have to sing sometimes…but only when I forget. First off I call in every known and unknown deity out there (lol!) and let whatever’s gonna happen, happen. It takes a lot of the pressure off and reminds me why I am a musician. The idea that someone I out there will find some meaning in my music or words…like I do with my favorite bands….

So when I am in JHB I listen to Radiohead in the car. It reminds me just how far I’ve come.  I am no longer that sad depressed chick with issues. I have a record deal and a tattoo to remind me…lol! On a bright and breezy day in CT it’s jazz and blues music. In the new house it’s MUSE because despite everything I was and caught off guard and surprised….

posted by auriol in things to ponder about...hmmm and have No Comments

Black eyed angels…

Maybe, maybe, maybe…let’s just face it people life is littered with maybe’s. Yet I am always amazed by the sheer number of people who act as though they know their shit 24/7. People who are so certain of their actions….so certain of their “rightness”….people who are so mired in their philosophies, ideologies and conditioning. And after coming through a stressful situation the only thing I think I  know is that I can live my life with maybe’s and uncertainty…

A friend of mine once said that no one can live their lives by just looking at their feet. And even if you try to walk that straight line and never raise your head…you miss out on all the fantastic things that take place around you. But hell, no one really wants to hear that. Most of us demand that we walk from point A to point B and in a straight line. And as much as we like to blabber platitudes like, “people are complicated” …it will mean nothing until you stop looking at your feet and begin to really see people for who they are.

A while ago I would have said that I made many wrong choices in my life. Now that I am a bit older I know that those choices were never wrong….just more colorful and intriguing. Saying that by itself is a big thing. I am not merely rephrasing so that I can sleep easier at night. In my mind it means that I have seen something else at work here… I have greater empathy for people and myself. It’s the lack of certainty that made that possible. Somewhere along the way I shed a lot of the esoteric mumbo jumbo that once meant so much to me…that defined me. Life happened and forced me to let go of it so that I could have a realistic way of seeing myself and everyone else around me.

At the end of the day I don’t really care about rights and wrongs.  When the shit hits the fan and life goes haywire what matters to me most is that I could learn something valuable about myself or others….and the idea that I was enriched by the experience is enough…

posted by auriol in life in general and have Comment (1)