Auriol Hays

Awareness through music

Archive for September, 2009

Street Spirit

We are all bound to fail at something somewhere along the line. Still what is it about failing your drivers’ test that is so damn upsetting? The first time I failed my test I cried for a few hours. “What is wrong with me? Why can’t I get this one thing right?” I would ask myself over and over again. It was only when one of my closest friend said “This is only a test. It is not an indication of anything else,” that I could laugh at just how silly and over dramatic I was being.

Andrew wrote his test before I did and when I saw that the examiner driving the car back into the traffic department instead of him – I knew he did not make it. He could barely look me in the eye. I knew that if he were alone he would break down and cry. This was his fifth attempt.

It would be awesome if we could do everything right at the first go. This is why so many of us spend hours reading self help books, push ourselves mercilessly  and go to endless workshops. We want more than anything to succeed and just move on to the next phase of our lives. Who knows why things happen? Maybe we are not ready to move on yet. Maybe there are things that we need to learn by failing…or maybe it is as simply as learning to be patient – with grace.

So I failed the test. Strangely enough I did not feel bad. I spoke to the examiner and she gave me pointers. We even shared a few laughs. She knew I was nervous as all hell. I then made another booking immediately went home.  The one thing I learnt today is that I am able to have a balanced attitude – in the midst of failure. Because failing at any one thing is never an indication of who we are and what we are capable of doing…

posted by auriol in sanity's overrated and have Comment (1)

You’ve been voted off the island

“You are all just characters in my head. None of you are really here!”  This is one of the many quirky things my husband says – while sober! Sure he can be down right weird on most days but he might just  have a point. Sometimes I get the feeling that our lives are just one big reality show and we are all being messed with. Crazy ex boyfriends, terrible in laws, shady people do make for great viewing when it’s someone else’s life and not your own going to hell. Dammit where is that bladdy tribal council when I need it? Some people need to get kicked off my show!  Right now I am still deciding what kind of show my life is. For a while it was a soap opera and I was the shady character getting up to all kinds of mischief!

There are so many things that I will never get to really understand. I have made peace with that. Anyhoo it would be terribly boring knowing everything. I rather like the mystery and intrigue. The fact that I am a musician means that I get to use it all to my advantage. Once while trying to explain a concept to a friend he got very angry and said, “Well, I just don’t understand that. It makes no sense! How can that be?” This was his way of saying that I was talking bullshit.  He expected me to argue with him and start some crazy shit. Honestly, I only do that with my immediate family or close friends  and always in jest.

I decided a long time ago that I was not going to convince anyone of anything.  It really is just a waste of my time. There are things, I have decided, that are worth fighting for but arguing for the sake of arguing and to be proved “right” is just insane! But waking up each day and enjoying what life throws at you – now that appeals to me.

I like the idea that there are aliens out there, all kinds of crazy supernatural stuff, secret organisations plotting and scheming. Every time I catch a glimpse of the seemingly fantastical and intriguing it always leaves me wanting more.  This is what makes life so exciting.

The esoteric folk out there say that we scripted our lives before we incarnated….made agreements with people to play out certain scenarios so that we can learn…that we can opt out and hit reset whenever we need to. In short this life is all just an intricate reality show starring me…scripted by me… directed by me for….my enjoyment!

So when the mister goes off on a crazy rant I always listen (even though it might appear that I am falling asleep) because every now and then he says the most profound things…

posted by auriol in insight and have Comment (1)

Climbing up the walls

We all have days when we want to crawl into a hole and cry. I don’t think I ever felt as alone as I did when all the things that made my life work fell away. I couldn’t write, had no desire to sing and being quiet enough to meditate wasn’t remotely possible. I didn’t know how to be… I wanted to cry, forget and disappear completely.

Sometimes I wonder about this being alive and human business. Honestly there are so many things wrong with it all. Sure in the larger metaphysical sense everything is perfect and as it should be… but when you are falling apart it feels like nothing will ever be “fine” again. My best friend once said that what hurt him the most was the thought that he did not matter enough to someone he loved. Some thoughts are just too overwhelming to deal with…

Sure we all know that when those feeling come we should call someone – but who really ever does? I am selfish that way…my pain is my own and dammit I won’t share it with anyone. I share once I understand but during…it’s me, my cats and Radiohead…

And always it’s the small things that bring me back. Eavesdropping on a taxi driver’s dirty jokes …sitting alone in the Gardens eating an apple….watching a crazy kid chase pigeons…. gazing at the colours of a tree as the sun sets. All I try to find is that one moment that will lead to another and another…

posted by auriol in sanity's overrated and have Comment (1)

High and Dry

There is nothing worse than living in the past. To always be looking at faded images of yourself and wishing that you could go back. To a body that was as fantastic…an outlook on life that was less cynical …a time that was simpler and made more sense. The irony is that when you were in that time you really didn’t think it was that fantastic. It just was what it was. Maybe that’s something we all have to learn – to create perspective so that we can view the events of our lives objectively. In short – living in the now without regret. I love how things sound so easy on paper…

When I first became a mother all I could do was live in the past. As far as I was concerned there was nothing good about where I was currently. My friends were completing their degrees, traveling and out there having a good time while life, it seems, stopped for me. I was 21 then and had no life experience to speak of. Sure I got over it and in time learned to appreciate the value of where I was but that took time. Music and the space given to me by my husband to figure it all out helped. I once wrote a song called Manic Depressive Wife where I stated all the ways I would kill myself! LOL! Music was an outlet and very cathartic because even though I talked a lot I seldom shared …

Maybe it’s just age…I am more relaxed about my flaws and shortcoming. Finally I can say, “Dammit- all…sometimes I am just an idiot who does stupid things!” This makes everything so much easier. I am no longer trying to be right …invested in appearing to be “good” ( because lord knows I am far from it)…and all this makes appreciating where I am so much easier. Now it’s easier to let go of those faded images….of mistakes I made… of people and things that left me high an dry.

posted by auriol in sanity's overrated and have Comment (1)

Unintended

For a while there I was convinced that nothing in my life would change. I was sick of myself, my husband and a career that felt like it was going nowhere. So I resigned myself to it all, sat back and said, “Whatever. I really don’t give a damn anymore.” Little did I know that other factors where at work…other forces gearing up to teach me the lesson of a life time…

How do you deal with the fact that sometimes you are just wrong about people and things? About assumptions that were made…and actions based on those assumptions? Is it your emotions that lead you astray? Your desire? And what about all the other people that got dragged into this mess?

When I have my 8 year old moments and I think, “Shit this is so unfair. Why did this happen? How could I have been so stupid? Why did I no see that?” I suppose that is the point….if I was really supposed to learn something valuable about myself then it would hit me this hard and in places where it really hurts. It’s like having someone you love say, “I don’t love you. I never have. Shit happens. Deal with it.” Just how do you deal with shit like that?

And when all those things that I feared showed up on my door and said,”Hi there, you silly cow!” I bolted. I ran, lied to myself and hid behind promises I made. While all this drama is great for my music and does make for interesting conversations – it has taken me to unintended places. It has lead me to greater realizations about myself….restored my faith in those I really love and strangely enough given me peace…

posted by auriol in human nature and have Comment (1)

Can’t we be friends?

We can all be shallow and vain at time. I say and think stupid things all the time! It’s not easy to turn off that “I will judge you now” button in my head.  There are some people I connect with instantly while the rest tend to fade into the background. So imagine my surprise when I saw the extraordinary in someone I thought of as ordinary…someone I usually greet in passing….someone who sits quietly behind his pc and seems so unassuming .In one single moment, on a very ordinary Saturday evening, I got a glimpse of all those things that render him graceful….fascinating….ultimately someone worth knowing.

When my daughter was very small I learnt to appreciate the value of those small moments. I just knew that I should grab on to any morsel of happiness or peace that came my way. In between all the crying and tantrums – those moments kept me sane. A great glass of port at night….the silence of a cathedral at 7am….and the peace that comes when falling asleep to an old vinyl record. But what I enjoyed most was that split second when I got to really know someone.

Over the years I have met people who I knew I could spend hours taking to; people who are captivating, alluring and filled with mystique. And let’s not forget the entirely mad ones also!  I have come across those people in the strangest places. Some have remained my friends while others were just passing through. Yes, I am selective about who I love – because more than anything I want my life to be filled with music and people who are worth getting to know and love.

posted by auriol in human nature and have Comment (1)

Map of your head

I like to think I am not crazy. Still every now and then I find myself having conversations with people who are not there. I am not talking about dead people.  Everyone knows it’s perfectly natural to talk to dead people…lol! A friend of mine still has mental conversations with his ex girlfriend who he hasn’t seen in 7 years. What makes the situation hilarious is that she hates his guts. While another friend carries around the ghost of his very dead ex girlfriend. He hasn’t been happy since then because she is alive and kicking in his mind. This really got me to wondering just why we carry people around with us and what the implications are

I once asked a trusted friend how one can get rid of those ghosts or voices. It is especially hard if you didn’t get to resolve a situation in a satisfactory way.  Being a proactive kind of girl I thought that it would entail some form of action. Perhaps tracking that person down and saying what needed to be said or sending a snotty email…lol! He looked at me and simply said, “Auriol, being resolved about something is never about what you do but rather about how you think.” Finally the light bulb went off. I don’t have to serve an eviction notice to those voices; I just have to relocate them to a smaller apartment in my head…

I always thought I was a very balanced normal individual but then I took a very close look at my friends. The one thing I noticed is that they are all rather extreme. Why, I wondered, did I choose to be surrounded by such lunatics? Then I wondered just why my songs are always a bit darker. Love suck and life is kak seems to be the message I was spreading. Then it hit me – I have these mad friends because I am just as extreme. I just hide it a bit better. In fact these friends (just by being themselves) have saved me from doing some pretty stupid things…

More than anything I desire balance. I search for it through my music and by observing my band of lunatics I get to decide just what that balance would feel like. It is so easy to point and blame, to be bitter, jaded and lie to yourself. It really takes no amount of skill – but learning to be measured in your thinking and actions is another story altogether…

posted by auriol in My music,the pit and have No Comments

Knives out

An addict stole my phone yesterday. What surprised me most was just how angry I became. One part of my brain said, “It’s only a phone and can be replaced.” while the other part demanded vengeance. For a second there I felt like Stefano DeMera… Yes, someone had to die or be mortally injured or go without a few fingers and toes. Now that would make me feel better….Only when I saw how upset my best friend was did I stop. It was his birthday.

Over the last few months I have been fucked around enough by people. I use to think that was careful about who I allowed in my space or shared anything personal with but lately I have been way off the mark. Sometimes I meet people and I know that there is something remarkable about them. More than anything I wish they could see what I see in them….but the sad fact is that people can surprise you in the nastiest ways. Some are just bitches…others are confused…while others just cowards who don’t give a fuck. Yesterday I really wanted to shout at some higher power and say, “Damn you I get it!” I have to find a balanced way of looking at people” My problem is I always tend to focus on their potential future self…and who they can become.

Sometimes I get it right like I did with my husband. When I met him he packed boxes as a side job to get cash. He was such a bladdy broke ass who hated studying! Still I knew that he was much more than he seemed. Now he has achieved more than even the smartest person in his class or those who studied at university. We’ve gone from sleeping on the floor in our first flat and not having a fridge for two years to where we are now. I knew the minute I met him that there was something rather special about him and I was right.

The one thing I am certain of is this – you can have all the love in the world for someone but if they can’t see beyond their demons – they can’t. Now when I think of my beloved lost phone with so many great MUSE songs on them I don’t get upset – I just have to be more cautious around people and vigilant about who I trust. The last thing I want is to become cynical…

posted by auriol in human nature and have Comment (1)

Karma Police

Being alone can drive anyone mad. If the picture of a sad old 40 year old women with 34 cats comes to mind – dismiss it. I have discovered that living alone with your thoughts is just as damaging. Now some would say that it depends on the quality of your thoughts and to a certain extent that is true…But when your thoughts are just circling and doing nothing else…then you run the real risk of loosing your freaking marbles.

For a while there I thought I was one tablet away from the psychiatric ward. Only when I learned to find and maintain balance did things start to make sense. Now that sounds easy does it not…find and maintain balance.Well, it’s damn hard and can shift the way everything and everyone is viewed in your life. Seriously – we all run the risk of being seduced by the idea of something or someone. I know a lady who stayed with a man for decades…the beating landed her in the hospital so many times. She stayed because she was so seduced by the idea that she could save him from himself….

The thing about living on this jolly planet is that it asks only one question in all different forms and shapes.So some really strange people come into your life and weird things happen all the time. “Why is this happening to me now?,” you demand.”When will my life make sense?” you ask angrily. I look at it this way…the universe is simply offering numerous options.Maybe person A with topping foolishness? Or Situation 1 with a sprinkle of chaos. All we are ever being shown is how things would look at another certain angle.The circling thoughts and crazy people are all part of the process of deciding….

posted by auriol in things to ponder about...hmmm and have No Comments

Sing for Absolution

If only life were perfect and everything made sense. Well, I suppose if it did there would be no reason to be alive. Everything would be ideal. There would be nothing to get excited or angry about. No reason to fight or love as passionately. Life would be inexpressibly boring and we wouldn’t get anywhere. Still no matter how hard you try to be “good” or live a “decent” life Drama eventually finds everyone….

I recently asked my best friend to answer some questions truthfully. He looked at me and said, “Auriol, being honest doesn’t always help. The answers to those questions are not pretty and they are far from right.” Does the right or wrongness of “it”‘ (whatever “it” may be) ever quell the desire? We all know what we should and should not do…but emotions are a funny thing. As much as you wish you could shut them off – you can only run for so long.

Sometimes you just want to shake people violently and shout, “Wake up, damn you!” because we can see that the Drama has consumed them. They have no more fight in them – their balls have been psychically removed. So all they are left with is maybe’s, what if’s and if-I-only-did-that and- took- a- chance.  Those lurking questions are torture yet it is surprising how normal torment can become once dreams and desires are buried  –   and eventually with time -  forgotten altogether.

So when all else fails I find a quiet space…close my eyes….allow the images to surface ….and say yes to those consuming emotions and desires. When I am ready I release them. With every note I sing for absolution…

posted by auriol in My music and have Comment (1)