Auriol Hays

Awareness through music

Archive for March, 2010

Devil Woman

I swear too much when I am upset, excited or drunk. This is true for most people on the planet – I’m convinced of it! And if you ask my band members they will tell you that I do swear too much especially on stage. My one friend once remarked, “I don’t drink or smoke. I go to church and put up with my in-laws. Swearing is all I have left!” I packed out laughing when she said this because I knew she had one foul mouth …lol!

I get that have to behave ourselves at times. Judge a situation for what it is and act accordingly. Sometimes I just think we are all so reined in and tied down..and those little swear words give us a bit of breathing space. Personally I do get tired of always having to be nice to everyone. Granted I am nice but heck man -  it is not possible to be nice and diplomatic all the time. Honestly some people should just be told to fook off and die…

Of course I don’t do that! I don’t have to. Ask my band members about a certain tango song called By The Light of The Moon. I get to kill this one b***h over and over again every time I step on stage. I get to work out all my anger issues in a safe environment. It’s a thing of beauty really.

Everyone should find a way to channel those darker emotions. The world would most certainly be a safer place…but this does not mean I will stop swearing altogether. Hell no…I am just too good at it..lol!

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posted by auriol in silly thoughts and have No Comments

No Woman, No Cry

I freaked out the other day. I didn’t know how freaked out and distraught I was until I noticed that  there was nothing I could do to stop the big, nasty old tears from escaping. So I did the only thing I could do. I took a deep breath, put on my black sunglasses and stared at the walls. Falling apart was not an option.

That little freak out really made me think of the way I deal with my emotions. When something deeply upsetting happens I give into the drama of it all. I allow the worst thoughts and fears in and that only upset me more so I end up crying more. It really is a vicious circle.

The Stoics were a bunch of ancient Greeks who believed in restraining one’s emotions. You deal with what life throws at you in a calm and even tempered way. When you are happy do not become too happy and when you are sad do not let it consume you. It was a way of thinking that you practised until it became a habit. The down side is that the Stoics were considered to be a bit boring…

I must be honest. I loose my shit easily. Being calm and even tempered isn’t something I do very well. So maybe going the Stoic way has merit. If it can buy me some space to deal with my emotions then it is worth a try. And that was all I needed at the airport that day. Space to think…space to keep the crazy thoughts at a distance. If I can do that then I could find my footing and balance  …and then maybe, just maybe, I could make better decisions…

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posted by auriol in human nature and have No Comments

Shine Acoustic

Would you stay out of someone’s business if you knew they were up to shit? If you knew they were taking drugs or doing something illegal? I can already hear people saying, “Hell yes I would say something!” But having an answer in theory is always easy. It’s another matter when the situation is real and people who you know or care about are involved.

A while back I asked someone an important question. Saying I was distraught when I asked it would be an understatement. I was at the end of every nerve I had in my body and knew that this person could say something that would help….. and guess what? They did not get back to me at all. Perhaps it comes down to this.

Life forces you to make decisions based on half truths and bullshit…and those people who choose to be silent are all part of the test. Why a test? Because when someone is up to shit, there is always a part of you that knows it but refuses to look at it. Maybe you want to believe in their better nature or not face the fact that yours is that messed up.

I won’t lie I was annoyed and pissed off when I did not get an answer. Surely if I was in that position I would have given an answer. Then my mind started wondering. Who am I to judge another person for not doing what I thought was the proper thing? How could I possibly know what brought that person to that decision in any case?

Is it really as easy as treating another person the way you would want to be treated? And could you know how you would treat another if you were never placed in that position? Some would say it comes down to common sense. But allow me to let you in on a secret. Not everyone has common sense. I have been without it on many occasions.

posted by auriol in human nature and have Comment (1)

Dire Straits

People can only face things when they are ready to face them. I discovered this a few days ago. No matter how many times I hauled out my tarot cards or asked friends to haul out theirs…all I got were bullshit half truths. I have heard about this denial phenomenon many times but thought I was much smarter than the average Joe. There was no way I would fall into that obvious trap.

Strange things happen when you live in denial. I stopped remembering my dreams. And when I did recall a dream I was always lost in some dangerous part of town and guns were going off everywhere. Sometimes I would escape with only my lap top and cell phone. Many times I would wake up and wonder what the hell these dreams meant – but that is where it would end. I refused to look any deeper.

But once the truth is uncovered everything changes. It simply has to. You can’t afford to live in lala land anymore because living there made you do retarded shit. You start relationships with people who should be left alone, spend money you don’t have or take the wrong kind of drugs too often. Your life just spirals out of control and no matter where you go – disaster always follows.

This is my personal philosophy. Whatever mistake you make, if you learn from it – it is no longer a mistake. Look I have done things that made me want to stick myself in a deep, dark hole and never come out. This is not a very good thing to do, I realised. I knew that if I wanted to move on with my life I would have to do something drastic.

So I opted to do the following. I invited all my mistakes for tea. I talked intimately to them and only let them go once I learned all there was to know. Suddenly they stopped being these ugly things that I hid under my bed. I was no longer scared or afraid. I could breathe and move on….

posted by auriol in Uncategorized and have Comment (1)

Insane in the Membrane

I have been loosing my mind for the last three weeks. I have been acting and thinking crazy. We all know of that lady who will cut you and your mother (in your sleep and with a blunt knife) if you crossed her. I discovered recently that I am that crazy lady. I have not been able to sleep, eat or think rationally and was loosing any grip I had on reality.

Look, I get it. The craziness comes from a place of fear and uncertainty. Sure it’s not a good idea calling up people at 4 in the morning or becoming the living incarnation of Sherlock Holmes and going through every bit of trash you can get your hands on and calling it evidence. But as I come down from my crazy high I realise that there are some things worth loosing your shit about. You can’t always be all calm when you house is on fire and your daughter is inside can you?

Here’s the important bit…I do not regret my insanity. Usually I am a very calm and collected individual. I use to think that nothing and no one could rile me out of that state, that my esoteric and new world thinking would see me through virtually anything. In the light of the last few weeks I have decided to embrace my insanity instead and show Zen the damn door. I am nowhere near being enlightened man.

I am just going to have to live with the fact that I am not the sanest person on the block. I loose my shit and won’t always say or do the right thing. Previously, I admitted to many of my weaknesses and flaws. Now finally I have to admit to being insane too.

I don’t regret it because I got to see what I valued most. I do think some people got a bit scared of me here and there but I am just fine now…lol! Yes, just like there is a season and a reason for everything I believe there should season for insanity and that everyone should have one – just to keep you and everyone around you on their toes of course….

posted by auriol in human nature and have Comment (1)

Skeleton Key

I tend to get very introspective when watching horror movies. I don’t think about the special effects or the quality of the scares on screen. As I get older I realise that I am not as good or nice as I would like to think I am – and horrors remind me of that little fact.

A few days ago I asked my daughter if she would ever torture and kill someone. “No way, Mummy!” I then told her about the prisoners held at the Baghdad Correctional Facility and how normal, good people tortured and killed those supposed “bad guys”. “What is it that made them do that?” I asked. They didn’t just pop out of their mother’s wombs evil. Being a funny 10 years old she came up with a bunch of crazy ideas – none of which I found amusing at the time.

Then I brought Lucifer into the mix. I actually felt bad that she knew so little…lol! I explained how Lucifer transformed from an angel to a demon. That if you look at that idea a bit closer…we all have the capacity to be transformed into something we don’t want to be – if we are not careful.

This is why I think vampires, werewolves and all the supernatural beings in books and movies captivate people. We all have our own demons to fight…and seeing others kill theirs off in fun and creative ways can’t be all bad, can it? lol!

In this world there are so many people who would have her believe their story and live accordingly. I don’t want my daughter to be a good girl who follows rules blindly. I encourage her to throw things at boys who cheese her off…to hurl a few nasty words at girls who are bitchy and to always , always make up her own mind.

All I can do is hope that a bit of the stuff I talk about sticks in that funny brain…and that by teaching it I remember it myself.

posted by auriol in on the wild side and have Comment (1)

Funhouse

Fact – everyone has issues. Fact two – everyone wants to move past them. Fact three (and this is the most vital bit) you can only move past them when you are ready to move past them. No amount of running will ever work. And people run in different ways. Some work their asses off, others drink…while the rest of us are completely functional. We get up, go to work, love who we love….and then one day….for no apparent reason we just can’t get out of bed.

When I look around all I see are people who are unable to move out of their “stuff. I revisit that place every now and then, trust me. It was only when I spoke to George, who works at the bank, that the light bulb went off. I asked him if he was happy. He looked at me and then said, very thoughtfully, “I am thankful for what I have.” Dammit-all, I thought, why didn’t someone tell me this years ago?

Man, I spent years, on and off, being miserable. I would wake up feeling antsy and anxious –convinced that I should be somewhere else. After years of reflection this is what I know with great certainty. No matter how smart you think you are…the universe will find a way for you to face your issues. You can only run for so long.

Yet why is it that people with issues ,and some of them very serious, seldom get help? Hell man, I think we owe it to ourselves to just admit that we have problems! Someone once said, “”We are perishing for want of wonder, not want of wonders“. I think this is very true.

We are all looking for something or someone who will take us out of our misery and remind us that we matter…that we are remarkable. Looking outside of yourself for that wonder is always going to get you into trouble, I reckon…

posted by auriol in life in general and have No Comments

Get Lifted

We all make mistakes. Everyone knows that no one is perfect. That is however, not my issue and trust me; I have made my share of big and small mistakes. What really worries me is when I make a mistake and don’t know why I did it.

I remember reading the bible, accidentally, when I was a teenager. I came to the bit about forgiveness. Even then the question that went through my mind was , “So does that mean I can do anything and just ask God for forgiveness and move on?” Now that I am older the concept of forgiveness is something I grapple with. Forgiving others – that’s the easy bit but forgiving myself for those times when I acted blindly is much harder.

Everyday I hear people say things like, “I don’t know why that crazy bitch did that to John. I mean, what was going through her mind?” Hmmm, I have realised that if you just take the time to really think about it, you could come up with a number of reasons why Sally did what she did to John. The reasons are not always pretty or sophisticated either. What is comes down to is easy – fear.

Look, I am not brave or noble. I get scared and freak out. I panic when my husband does not answer his phone quickly enough. I feel guilty about feeding my cats the same food everyday. I worry if my daughter is coping at school. On top of all that I have very little faith in people or my ability to understand them. All this does is create uncertainty and that leads to fear.

Thucydides had it right when he said, The bravest are surely those who have the clearest vision of what is before them, glory and danger alike, and yet notwithstanding, go out to meet it.”

Everyday I am confronted with the same question. Will I give in to my fears (loose my shit  and do crazy things) or can I try to be brave despite all my fears and misgivings….

posted by auriol in sanity's overrated and have Comment (1)

Everyday Hurts a Little More

I often tell my daughter that this world is filled with strange and mysterious things. Once I told her that there are people who think the Little Gray Men are the mercenaries of the galaxy (they harvest genetic material for other alien races). I got a very skewered are-you-out-of-your-mind- kinda look! I don’t expect her to believe it but I want her to know that there are strange and seemingly mysterious things out there;things that fall outside the limits of our understanding.

While I love my esoteric and extraterrestrial, I know that we all will all face greater puzzling dilemmas right here on planet earth. They come in the shape of people who challenge the way we live – just by being who they are. See, this is the bit I am trying to not only understand myself but teach my daughter. Like I said it’s easy being morally righteous. The government advocates it. Religion is based on it…in fact the very structures that keep things ticking on and over depends on it. Yet the reality of who we are as people is anything but.

Epictetus, a Greek Stoic philosopher, once said that “People are not disturbed by things, but by the view they take on them.” It’s all about the stories and details we add. The stories we tell ourselves help put the people and events into context. The problem is that after a while you start believing those stories. Often the only way you can put a stop to them is by running into other people who make you stop and ask yourself, “What the hell is going on here?” or “Who have I been for the last few years of my life?”

And those questions are the ones that keep me awake at night. Most people are neophobic – they just don’t like new things. Some don’t even want to make new friends. So imagine asking someone to expand their moral horizons? To make place for the seemingly “incomprehensible” events or situations that life will present them with….

I have always tried to find meaning for those mind shattering personal events in my life. So when I loose my shit and scream and shout bloodly murder at 9 on a Saturday morning, the only person I have to answer to is myself. And all it takes is a little bit of nerve – to be honest enough and move a step beyond the lies and stories I have told myself for so long….

posted by auriol in insight and have No Comments

True Blood

Someone once told me that Scorpios don’t know how to be happy. We’re always brooding about some thing or the other. Perhaps there is some truth to that – but trust me when I mope it’s for very good reasons. The story is the same – I got ahead of myself….wanted something a bit too much and was arrogant enough to think I could get it. Then, inevitably, the worse happens….

And in those dark moment two questions circle incessantly in my mind , “What the hell is wrong with me?” and “Does this mean that I am not good enough?” Now, rationally I know the answer to those questions but when the desire and expectation is so overwhelming – all those rational, seemingly logical explanations just mean nothing.

I have known that feeling many times in my life. Sushi and hand holding just won’t cut it then. I don’t want to be around people, smile and chit chat. All I need then is the time to think it through, feel it out and listen to MUSE and John Lee Hooker. Luckily those moments do not stay with me for that long anymore. Then all it takes is one silly joke from my daughter and I am right as rain.

I can’t afford to let any hurt or disappointment swallow me whole. So when these moments come along I do what I have always done. I say “fook you bitches” and do my own damn thing like I always have. If people catch up with me cool – if not….dammit all I will live…lol!

posted by auriol in human nature and have No Comments