We all make terrible mistakes. The worse kinds are those that make sleeping impossible. The ones where you are left wondering, “Is that really who I am?” Look, we’ve all been there and in my mind there is nothing more annoying than hearing people mouth off platitudes like “There are no mistakes – only lessons”

For a long time I thought I could cheat the system and kick the Universe’s ass. “Hmm, if I can find the meaning in this mess then maybe I could get on with my life.” But it didn’t work like that at all. It was never the mistake that made looking in the mirror impossible. It was uncovering the deep rooted reasons that lead to it.

I had no choice but to sit with all those crap feeling for a long, long time. So much so that I could not bear to be near certain places. It was all too explosive; to close to the bone. Then yesterday something happened that I did not anticipate. I was granted a “get-out-of-jail” pass.

I stood in a place that I associated with being hurt, disregarded and forgotten. I stood there…opened my mouth and sang. While I sang I thought, “Damn you people for hurting me! I own this place now bitches!” And in a flash the place I once associated with pain was replaced by something a lot more pleasurable and satisfying….

It’s so easy to say “I forgive you” and not really mean it. Being able to forgive in all earnest has everything to do with reclaiming your power. I got to do with through something that has always made every experience more meaningful – music. And that’s when one the penny dropped – I finally learnt something…

Certain things just piss me off. Miss South Africa, Miss World and Miss Universe is right up there. Now if those chicks had super powers and could really solve poverty and world hunger by parading in a swimming costume – perhaps I would switch on my tv. It’s all so slick and smooth…and at the end of the day it’s just business honey. After a few years most of those ladies have their own businesses and are married to some rich dude who’s well connected….

Look, I have a daughter and we make fun of those competitions. In fact we do the same with IDOLS. What bothers me is that those “judges” are deciding what the “acceptable” standards are and everyone is just agreeing with them. Who the hell are they to tell anyone that they will never achieve their goals?

A friend of mine once said not all people develop the same way or through the same channels. I guess that’s what really bothers me about IDOLS and beauty competitions. Kids watch these things and think that those are the only ways that you can get to where you need to be. “I have to be this…and look like that….to get there….”

I mean what does it really mean to be beautiful or talented for that matter? I had a really crap father who made it his personal mission to make me feel terrible whenever he could.  And that taught me one valuable lesson. The only one that gets to decide how anything will turn out or what it means is ME.

I always thought that the thing that makes this world an interesting place to be at is its diversity. And sure you get some men, for example,  who will only look at thin, white, blonde Russian women – but so what? Even those idiots have to be tolerated….until they pick up a disease that kills them off…slowly and very painfully…

Most people feel bad about sex – whether they are getting laid or not. I know of people who had a threesome and felt terrible about it the minute it was over…lol! Or others who get lust and love confused. Some of cling to the notions of “the one” and vow to save themselves for that special person. I don’t really care either way. I have only one rule and that applies to everything, sex included. You have to make a choice that you can live with – a choice that works for you. And that may sound easy but it really isn’t…

Most of us, when we start having sex, are keen to try out everything! But as you get older, and if you are lucky to have a partner you trust, you can perfect your blend of Kink. I can hear some people saying, “I would never do that!” “That’s just dirty and wrong!” I have only one thing to say to those people. Sex is supposed to be FUN! Something so very ,very,very enjoyable…

Personally I think that sex is an evolving experience. Look, if you are still having the same sex as you did last year and not enjoying it – then clearly something needs to be done. My advice – get your girls and go to a sex shop. Have a laugh and get curious. Get the toys, buy the clothes and own your sexuality.

In my mind…making love…is like singing a really good, slow song. You savour each word….take the time to feel it out and let it reach every part of you before you let out a single sound. If done properly it can be transcendental. A friend of mine once complained to me, “Auriol, I need some freakiness and this guy is not doing it for me!” And we are all guilty of not saying what we want or need – more so when it comes to sex.

Now even this can be turned on its head if you just chill out. Demand, shout, hit, hurt, twist…there are so many endless choices..lol! But most people would just deny that they are the freakiest of freaks. They wait to be drunk before they confess their “dark” desires. What a waste of time!

All they have to do is own it, work it and have fun…

Today someone asked me what my life’s highlights have been so far.  If I had to die today the fact that I did not step foot outside of this country would not be a regret. My highlights are not big I-finally-did-it stuff. Mostly the all revolved around friends and family. I am not interested in objects or places. It’s people and getting to know them that allows me to expand my view of the world.

I remember reading Margaret Atwood’s Cat’s Eyes in university and looking at my sister who was 9 at the time. Reading that book made me wonder if she struggled the way the characters in that book did. So I talked to her about what was going on in her life – despite the 11 year age gap. And that was the start of our best- friendship…

Then little things about my daughter stand out….how she pesters me for food on a Saturday morning…  A perfect day at the park… Singing to her on a swing when she was a baby… Spending hours in the bath telling stories and talking crap. Stupid arguments…

I think of Glenne, with whom I share my life…pasta, movies and sangria with. Mo, who gets my love of DUNE and could always see me as the musician I am today when I couldn’t even imagine it. Adam, Zuleigha, Stephen, Ronnie, Nini, Ross…And every now and then I meet new people who surprise me..

And this is what I know with great certainty; the highlights in my life have nothing to do with achievements – although those should be celebrated. It’s about  people – the good and the absolutely terrible experiences that forced me to grow a pair of hairy balls!

The best bits of my life revolve around people and how I well or badly I loved them. And I think I am doing okay so far….

If I had to be a man I would be Hugh Jackman. And it’s not only because he is super hot or that he can sing and dance very well. I would want to be Hugh Jackman because of the work he did The Fountain. It is one of those movies I watch when I am very depressed and it always makes me feel that redemption is somehow possible….

In the movie Hugh Jackman deals with the same theme over and over again in his intimate relationships. The people get shifted around but the base emotions are always the same  And just the idea that you could love someone so much that you would want to come back time and time again to work through your issues is either entirely insane or extremely profound  – I haven’t decided yet.

According to one medium I have incarnated with my unfortunate husband way too many times to remember and somehow we keep getting it wrong. Now that explains a lot really..lol! And I have always had the sneaking suspicion that my daughter was my sister in another life.

Every now and then I get a glimpse of something…other. I have dreams about people who will enter my life and get given the reasons why they would do so. I tend to dismiss those dreams most of the time. And I reckon my “people upstairs” know this that because they have stopped giving those dreams to me. Sometimes knowing is just too upsetting and the implications just too big to deal with. Well, that has been my experience so far…

I rather like being surprised by what life will throw at me. I don’t care for words like “soul mates” or even the idea of “the one”. If I am supposed to have dealings with someone ( to love or hate them) in this life – let’s just get on with it already. I am tired of over-thinking and over- feeling…And switching off that button is not easy for a Scorpio like myself….

A lof of people like to think they are crazy 24/7. Sadly, most of them are just not that interesting. But I do believe that every single person will experience a moment when real craziness sets in. I am talking about the no sleep, no dreams, lots of drama, no peace of mind coupled with crazy paranoia kinda crazy….

But first – a confession. After watching the movie Pandorum everything in my life finally makes sense. I am convinced that I have been suffering from Pandorum for the last month – just as those crew members did.

“Its symptoms and effects include severe paranoia, vivid hallucinations, and homicidal tendencies.” Okay, maybe I am being a bit dramatic here. My homicidal tendencies are firmly controlled – thank you very much. I am always killing off someone in a song somewhere. And I am glad to report that my body count has not increased that significantly…

So the last month of my life has been terrible. Let’s just say that the shit has hit the fan on a cosmic level. So much so that I can barely think of music or singing. I kept thinking “People have gone through worse things and lived”. “I must just get over this already.” These thoughts never help especially when your emotions are as crazy out of control as mine were.

The last month has taught me a great deal. It isn’t always possible to be nice or act dignified when your world is falling apart. Sometimes the crazy comes out no matter how much you want to keep it locked down and strapped in. Those are the times I wish I had someone who could shoot me in the damn neck with a sedative so I would be forced to sleep; forced to think straight and get some treatment for my Pandorum. But alas there are no doctors in town and we’ve run out of sedatives ages ago…

The best thing about singing is not the actual performance but the events that lead to it. Performing at the festival was fun but the highlight was the conversation I had with my mother while driving. She talked for three hours….

It all started when she was 19. “Auriol, I knew when I saw him that he would be the father of my child.” Did I mention that he was married back then? Yes, that conversation was better than every episode of Brothers and Sisters and Grey’s Anatomy (minus the blood and weird patients) combined.

“Auriol, I knew I wanted a daughter. I did not want to get married to anyone.” Yes, my mother has always lived life on her terms. But when she told me what she did to make that a reality I was astounded. I got to hear about every bit of family drama…

She told me how she just rocked up at home with a baby and told my father point blank that she is adopting him. My father bitched but when my mother’s mind is made up – it’s made up. I discovered that my Granny wasn’t always so nice and sweet. That my father wasn’t always an abusive bitter old man. She shared how she devastated she was when she miscarriaged. How she dealt with her insane mother who hardly showed affection to her and what she did to get my father to stop hitting me.  It was one intense conversation.

It is no secret that I am my mother’s child. Just like my daughter is mine. If you look at old family pictures you will see me hiding or trailing behind her. This woman would and has dropped everything for me when I needed her and it took a road trip for me to realise just how much she loves me.

And this is why I look past the crazy bible talk and insane health regimes she wants to put me on because I know that I would do the same for my daughter….just with more swearing though…

I experienced something terrible a few weeks ago.  My world was turned upside down and inside out. I won’t bore you with the messy details but I will say this. Someone made me doubt myself and all the very sane, audible voices that I usually listen to. I’m talking about my gut instincts of course. “No!” they said. “That’s not what happened. Don’t you trust me?” Of course  I knew (deep down) that bodies were being buried, bloody walls washed down and witnesses silenced.

At one point I started laughing like a lunatic. I just had to admire the intricate workings of the universe. I was so righteous once upon a time, and then the universe kicked my ass and brought me to my knees. One day you are the victim of an event and the next day you perpetrate it. “Open your eyes girlie!” is what the universe seemed to be saying. “There are so many things that you don’t understand just yet.”

All I had back then were my instincts. I would pray and meditate to keep sane. Consult my tarot deck or get my sister to double triple check hers. Pace up and down….all the while the voices kept getting louder and louder. I must say that if I did not meditate and listen to guidance I would have been locked up in a mental facility by now!

It would be so easy to descend into name calling….“she is bitch” or “how could that happen?” or “I deserve some vengeance” but I know that it would be my ego talking. Actually I am okay with hating someone for 10 minutes every now and then. I am not Buddha you know…

So yes, I learnt a great deal. About myself and how I treat others…and that is all fine and dandy. After having everything I value most almost ripped out from under me – how could I not understand more…not be more empathic? However, I will never, ever let anyone mess with my head and what I feel and know in my gut to be true.

I never understood why people took substance to numb themselves. What , I use to wonder, could possibly be so bad? And when something happened that made me understand why…..all I did was hide behind closed doors. Ask Andre. How could I explain to him or anyone how overwhelmed I felt? That I could not turn off that switch in my head. By the time I rocked up in JHB I was at the end of my rope.

Perhaps it was just pride. I actually thought that I could handle anything on my own. Sure music gives me the chance to let it all out but what happens when I can’t sing? When all I am stuck with are a series of thoughts that make breathing almost impossible?

It took a little breakdown in Johannesburg for me to see that I can’t hide all the time. I have to let other people help me. Let them see how scared and vulnerable I am. That, dammit all, I do need them in my life.

So when I felt like having some Whisky the other night I stopped myself. I knew that what I wanted was to feel nothing. It would be so easy, so convenient to shut all those voices off with a few glasses of something-something. But I didn’t. Instead I called up a friend and later I cried just a little bit. Anyway, drowning my sorrows in alcohol would be such a waste of Whisky