Auriol Hays

Awareness through music

Archive for May, 2010

The Lucifer Effect

She was converted by a man! Yes, you heard me. One of my friends is now a vegetarian because of some dude. And no, I am not judging her. My dirty smoking habit had everything to do with a certain boyfriend. As I changed boyfriends I changed cigarette brands. Yes, I was young and stupid. It took me years to ditch the habit and the man and even longer to decide what it is I really needed.

I dig that my friend did her own “independent research” before she committed herself to being vegetarian. I was in the same boat too although my reasons were different. I thought that giving up meat would make me more “spiritual” somehow. Sure it took me years to figure out that only I can decide what being more spiritual would look and feel like…

I get that there are people out there who go years without finding what they need. And I am not only talking about poor, disenfranchised people here. I know plenty of people who can’t see a way out of their respective holes – jobs or relationships. Again, I am not judging. I know what it feels like to be at the mercy of one overpowering emotion. It can and does change you.

A psychiatrist once said (and to my complete surprise really) “There is nothing that you cannot heal from”. We all fook –up. Making mistakes are just part of being human. I have discovered it’s what you do with those mistakes that matter. If you can take your hurts, anger, shame and disappointments and flip them – they become a source of power.

Every time I am scared or uncertain on stage I think of a particular person who lives overseas. Just the idea makes me so very, very, very angry. I allow all the delicious swear words and evil thoughts to swirl magically around in my mind. Then I smile a dirty, wicked smile, open my mouth and sing….

The anger, I discovered, is more overpowering than the fear I feel. This is my strategy and I will use until I can guarantee the safety of all blunt obejcts around me…

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Time is Running Out

Many people don’t believe in past lives. “I’ve already got enough problems in this life. I don’t need to add to it by looking into the past.” Luckily I am not one of those – I believe. Yes, I was a singer in many other lives. I was also a German general killed by his double crossing soldiers and an introverted girl living in a Greek village.

I really am not here to convince anyone of anything. Make up your mind and get on with your life is what I say. But this is what got me thinking….When I first thought about singing I wondered why certain songs felt so familiar. I was not part of a musical family and hardly heard jazz music growing up. It was Jim Reeves and Roger Whittaker all the way baby! But the minute I heard those jazz melodies – something somewhere switched on. And that’s why I am a singer today. It all started with an itsy-bitsy feeling that I couldn’t shake.

The past life in Greece with my sister was amazing. When I asked why recalled that life now the answer given to me was,”So that you can remember what love it feels like to be loved. ” Damn, I sobbed like a baby! That past life recall came at a time when I felt utterly and completely unloved.

I listen to one particular radio show and shoo….the ideas and theories are really way out there. Sometimes I am a bit shocked! But I listen regardless – just in case I get that itsy- bitsy feeling that says, “Take a deeper look”. I think we all become a bit poorer in spirit when we stop being curious…

posted by auriol in on the wild side and have Comment (1)

Bad Horse

I have many nicknames for my daughter. “Jacket of muffins”, “Love Dragon”, “Grumplestilskin” but now I call her Bad Horse from Dr. Horrible’s Sing along Blog – one of my favourite musicals. “You are not like other mothers who are lovie dovie all the time. You are unique but you really should do something about your swearing!” This is the nicest thing my daughter has said to me this week.

My Bad Horse knows that she can’t try her luck with me. I will not fall for the tricks or settle easily when we are negotiating. So she runs to the Granny instead. Seriously, that is why Grandparents exist. To indulge, spoil and to witness their suffering…lol! This is something I understand completely – minus the constant complaining of course. I recall lying on my Ma’s big, juicy, fat tummy with the sole intention of making her laugh. I just loved the way it moved when she did…rollercoaster like lol!

There was a time when I was very sad about the fact that my Bad Horse is growing up but then I remembered that I do not find babies particularly interesting. I dig it when they can talk and argue. Honestly I miss the down right silly conversations, the bad singing (mostly on my part), the hours spent together in the bath, bad dance moves (again on my part) and watching Bear in the Big Blue House…

Yes, she will be an interesting adult. I can’t imagine her marrying in a church seeing that she is very opinionated about religion already (most of it bad – and trust me, I have tried giving her a balanced view). But when she does she marry she will be an interesting wife and give me interesting grand kids. Hopefully I would have learnt to not swear as much…but that is a far way off and well, let’s be realistic here. That might not happen…lol!

posted by auriol in life in general,Uncategorized and have Comment (1)

House of Cards

If someone broke into your house you would change your locks, get extra security and perhaps buy a dog. And dammit all you would triple check everything, but what do you do when your emotional space has been invaded? When you no longer feel sure of yourself, safe in your skin and unable to trust others? How and what does safe feel like then?

Some people build walls and hide behind them. I chose to do that with music. I dealt with a lot of my “stuff” through the songs I write and sing. Today in a radio interview the DJ remarked after looking at the song titles “Your life must have been filled with troubles” Well, my album is called Behind Closed Doors for a reason…lol!

Still when something happens that throws your life into full crisis, you have to find your feet so you can keep your head above water. Often that means unearthing new habits – along with therapy if you can afford it! Getting emotionally fit is a solo experience, in my opinion. I have learnt to handle my own business in my own way – without expecting anything from anyone. So I created a new morning ritual and have one angry thought that keeps me fired up and ready to go no matter what…lol!

Also I speak my mind more freely. I don’t hide from what I feel or try to squeeze those messy emotions into a song. I am more honest with myself because being in denial is devastating – especially when you are on the receiving end.

Above all I deal with everything as it comes…when it comes. And I don’t listen to Radiohead when I am sad. That would hurtle me into a mental institution for sure…lol!

posted by auriol in life in general and have No Comments

Joe’s Garage

Every race group has negative stereotypes – according to someone else. The French sleep around. Arabs want to kill everyone while Russians are perceived as racist vodka lovers. Colored people have their own long list and no one complains more about this than my sister.

Today we heard something my sister would think of as “typically Colored behaviour”. Someone we know hid her pregnancy from her mother until yesterday – when she gave birth. Mind you this is the second time it happened. So that makes three kids from three different Daddies’. In my head I am thinking, “Shit, just how stupid do you have to be to not pick up something like that?” Yet, this happens everyday all over the world…

My sister struggles with these stereotypes. She loves having an afro hairstyle but gets all kinds of strange looks from people at campus when she does – including my father. So to avoid all the stares and down right stupid comments she spends hours straightening her hair. Did I mention that I want to smack her sometimes?

“If you travel you get to expand your horizons and your perceptions about the world will change.” Bullshit – if you really want to expand your thinking you will – with or without getting in a plane. I got to experience that through books, meditation and by simply running into a lot of weirdos. Seriously, I have better things to worry about than how I am perceived by people I don’t know or even those I do.

So I steal a lot. Something from the Chinese culture, something from the Catholics, a lot from the Pagans,the South Americans… I just like messing around with different ideas and ways of being. It just seems like a lot more fun than being strapped down and locked into one stream of thinking.

And this is why I don’t care about stereotypes. What people do and how they do it is ultimately their choice. I might steal a little something here and there culturally but that is about it. Shit, I am going to do my own thing either way. So if I decide to have 7 kids from 5 men – that will be no one else’s business but my own.

posted by auriol in sanity's overrated and have Comment (1)

See- Line Woman

I always tell my daughter, “Do not go through my things. You might just come across my naked man pictures!” When she doesn’t want to sleep I say, “So you want to hear Daddy and me have sex?”  Trust me – this works!

My daughter likes telling me what her friends and foes get up to at school. Unlike normal mothers I give her tips on how best to insult and undermine her enemies. “But Auriol, that is just wrong,” I hear some saying and I would, respectfully, disagree. I am not here to teach my daughter how to be nice. She knows this already. I am interested in raising a daughter who knows how to stand up for herself and not take shit – even from me.

Growing up I had the best mother in the world. I spent every moment with her and today we speak regularly and she visits at least once a week. I can talk to her about anything. When she heard I purchased a new vibrator she wanted to see it. And as much as I love her I just had to draw the line somewhere!

I get that there are people who did not have a kick ass mother like mine. Their fathers were assholes and mother’s were real cold bitches. And sure it does leave you with big gaping emotional scars but shit….at some point in time you have to grow a set of balls learn to move past those hurtful issues. Be brave enough to not let those things run your life…and dammit-all – get some help!

Look my father is a bastard – even in his old age I will not mess with that man. I have learnt to accept that he won’t change but in order to be a better wife, mother, friend and musician – I have to change. When my daughter was born I really had to think about what he taught me – the good and the bad.  I am a better person for it…..or this is what I tell myself.

My daughter will tell you, with a straight face,  that I am just a “sick, sick, sick woman” …but she’s 11 – what does she know…lol!

posted by auriol in on the wild side and have Comment (1)

Sideways

We all have guilty pleasures. For me it’s watching 90210. Yes, you heard me 90210. A friend of mine once said that we all have strange, difficult,crazy,mad….moments in our lives. There are a few things that helped me get through those times. Family, friends and the odd guilty pleasure – yes…90210!

These days people demand instant delivery or easy access  to everything….love, money and even enlightenment. But shit…life is hard and things happen. My therapist said (yes I have one – my sister!) that one should forgive oneself and others a lot easier than we currently do. And sure she has a point but forgiveness, in my mind, means nothing if you lack understanding or fail to see some bigger picture and that usually that takes time.

When life gets a bit messy being able to switch off is a blessing. And that’s the reason why I do not appreciate being called on a Thursday at 19:30! I get super comfortable on the leather couch with my blanket and coffee because at that moment I need to be pulled into Dixon, Annie, Naomi, Adriana, Navid, Erin and that bitch Jen’s lives and out of my own for a while.

We can’t be serious all the time or spend hours contemplating issues such as world hunger or the looming energy crisis. Life is for the living and that to me means finding your balance… and laughing like a lunatic at other people every now and then…

Now trust me if my sister watched 90210 we would have conversations about those characters as though they are real. Just the other day she told me that Stefano DiMera, that mad villain, is back from the dead and up to his old evil ways on Days of our Lives. Seeing that I can only fit so many guilty pleasures into my life I am depending on her for regular updates…lol!

posted by auriol in human nature and have Comment (1)