I get to meet lots of interesting people. It is one of the perks of my job. This past weekend in Eldo’s was no different. Whenever I meet exceptional people I wonder where they get their courage and balls from and why I, at times, feel like I have none.Let me explain. When I sing I feel the most free I ever get to be.
Yet, despite all the good fortune that has come way there is still this 6 year old wondering, “Are they really talking about me?” So when I ran into a compulsive attention seeker I was really taken aback. Everything about her screamed “look at me. This lady was the exact opposite of who I am. Was I jealous? Not even a little bit. But I knew why she was being shown to me.
She got me thinking about the fallacies and plain stupid thoughts I have about my own self worth. There’s all these “should be more of’s” in my head. I should be more organised, smarter, street wise, cook better, prettier, thinner, more exciting in bed, easier to approach, sociable, run a better house and dammit I should own a car by now! But because I suffer from all those “should be more of’s” I end up committing a very grave sin. I demand less from the people in my life.
Immediately my standards drop because I am less than I should be – in my head. I think everyone can relate to that. In my mind there is a link between your self worth and how capable you are of giving and receiving love. On stage I often say that love sucks. But if I had to be truthful I would admit to being an incurable romantic. I am just full of shit because I don’t feel I am worthy of any of it. Yeah, love is for other people….
At the gig Charles made an insightful comment. “Most of the music today celebrates the loss of love. They are all mourning it,” he said. Of course he had a point. My argument will always be, “You need to have a balanced view of love. Love is not always kind or easy or nice.”
Trust me I do write songs that speak of love and all it’s magnificence. I just don’t share them or even take them out of the closet that often. Most of the times I peek at them from behind a half opened door. Give me time. When my balls drop I might let others hear me sing that song…lol!