I watched the movie Tangled with my daughter and loved it! In fact the only reason why we considered watching it was because Zachery Levi was the lead and we are big Chuck fans. Still we we were very surprised at just how much fun the movie was! Anyway, I always reckoned that the best part about having kids is that you get to watch movies, read books and act like a lunatic around them. When my daughter was younger the “acting like a lunatic” bit usually happened on Friday nights at around 8pm. Then I would haul out all her imaginary friend and got to be a complete schizophrenic!

As you can guess I would never suggest anyone go without TV for any reason. There are good shows out there to watch if you dig a bit. When I was a kid The Little Mermaid was my movie.That was the first moment when the idea of being a singer really occurred to me. When she sang about wanting to be “part of their world” I nearly fell off my chair. Dammit-all, I thought, I feel the exactly same way! Even then I knew that there was something, some bit of myself that I was missing out on…that I was waiting to discover…

This is also why I get so damn angry when my daughter switches on Disney channel or Nickelodeon. All the shows have an entertainment angle and let’s be honest here. Not every one on this planet is meant to be a singer or dancer. These kids are being brain washed dammit! I give my daughter endless grief about this. Surely what makes this world work is that we have a diversity of talents?  We are all good at different things.

As the world becomes flatter people are loosing what makes them unique. Our music, TV, and even dreams are standardised and pre-packed. My daughter loves threatening me by saying, “I want to be a singer” and I always respond by saying, “Since when?” or when she is being very pesky “I love you my dear but you can’t sing!” Of course she can sing but I would never want her to want what I want. That’s just way too easy..

I once wrote a song called I Don’t Believe in Happiness. It’s a song that will most likely never get on to any CD.  I wrote it because sometimes I really don’t believe in happiness. We all have those moments where the possibility of ever being happy is gone. When you are so sad and broken that  you can’t  breath…

Life is littered with those painful moments. If you’re lucky you get to move past it…and if you hit the jack pot you won’t need to  relive them. Well, that’s my opinion. But human beings are seldom that smart. We turn on each other, turn on ourselves, withhold love and get scared too quickly.

One of the best gigs I had was at a place called Jonathan’s when I was singing with Keira Witherkay. There was nothing remarkable about that night except the fact that until then I never sang feeling that worn out and broken.  I could feel the weight and depth of each lyric and it transformed the notes I sang.  There’s something strangely magical about that…And capturing that feeling is what I need to do in my next album. I want to feel emotionally connected to all of the songs so I can live them out on stage. Make them my own and give them to whoever  will listen.

That reminds me of another important fact. I should never ask my daughter for help with lyrics. Just the other day she says, “Mummy, I have an idea for a great song.” It started out rather nice.She even had a good tune so I paid attention. “I was lost and now I am found…in the kitchen” Somehow she managed to involve pots and pans and all manner of utensils into that song. I burst out laughing. In fact I was beside myself with laughter and my poor child could not understand why! What a weirdo!

Anyhoo,she makes me happy. Real happy. Sometimes I look at her when she’s in the kitchen or busy watching tv. Beneath all that crappy attitude, dodgy clothing and even dodgier movie choices…she is still my girl. That is why I can’t really sing that song (I Don’t Believe in Happiness)  because painful moments always pass…somehow. The only thing any of us can do when we don’t believe in happiness is hang on…

Everyone wants to get noticed. Post your music on YOUTUBE, say something outrageous on Twitter, get thousands of fans on Facebook, create a website, do a reality show. Do something and do it now or die trying. That seems to the the trend and it really pisses me off. It is ironic considering that I am a musician and my livelihood is dependent on grabbing people’s attention. Still there’s something very sick about this narcissistic trend.  People want attention just for the sake of getting attention. That is especially true in music also…

Just the other day I spoke to the editor of  http://www.Africasgateway.com and this is what he had to say about the state of SA music.

” Some artists in SA will get nowhere because they sound like everyone else. They might do well here and earn a few bucks but that’s it. They will never get any further because people in the US and Europe don’t want to see people who sound like them. In Europe the biggest selling artists are the ones who sing in their own language. They are doing what’s unique to them. And that’s why groups like DIE ANTWOORD and even JACK PAROW are popular. Everyone knows that there are musicians who are better but it doesn’t matter they are different and that’s what people want.”

In truth I don’t care about about musical trends or what people want. I remember writing an apocalyptic song called THE END and being interrupted by my pesky husband. ”Why are you writing about this? It’s depressing” he said asked matter of factly.  So I did what most married women do. I ignored him and told him later that the song was written for him! The point is I could hear what the song could become. I hoped that Nathan Ro (from Lonehill Estate) he would hear that too and thank god all mighty he did.  The song is brilliant! That’s what happens if you stick to your guns.

Sometimes we all get distracted and doubt ourselves. That, I think is, what makes us human. All you can do is work your way through it. Or in my case sing my way through it. A while ago I doubted my ability to create music. That really put me in a depressive slump for a while. Then I realized that while I might not know a great deal about science or the inner workings of the financial world – I do know how to write a good song. I don’t need to prance around in a weird costume, have a off the wall video or release an Afrikaans album to get people’s attention. I am enough.

“Real men don’t say things like that!” This is something my sister and I say all the time when watching a chick flick. Most of the times I am convinced that those movies create unrealistic expectations and marital problems. Granted I am not the most optimistic person when it comes to love or human emotions but I often get rather upset when seeing such blatant displays of emotions.

You see it’s been my experience that people are seldom that generous. Sometimes I question the validity of my thinking. Surely all those movies and great love songs are based on facts and experiences of someone out there? Or maybe, just maybe it’s all just cheap sugar coating toconvince people will get off their asses, married and into the system so that the Global Elite can keep us enslaved?  Just a thought…

Life is messy and hard most of the time. Scrap that. My life is messy and mostly it’s littered with clumsy, awkward moments. Not the bullshit, photo shopped moments of pure magic and wonderment that you see on the silver screen…. where people spend hours talking shit to each other. In my experience men only say or make those grand gestures when it’s too late or to the “wrong” person. So when I do write love songs they are messy with jaggered edges. Maybe that says a greater deal about who I am than love itself. Everyone has the capacity to give and receive love. Some people, I realized, just choose not to show it.

So, to conclude this little rant I don’t believe in THE ONE, or happiness ever after or half of the bullshit you see in these chick flicks. That reminds me of a movie where the lady dramatically declared that she does not have the capacity to love. Then a while later she pisses off to another country to “find herself” and falls in love with someone else. Oh, she had the capacity to love all right  - just not with you guy! Love is messy. People seldom say what they feel, life gets in the way  and we all get lazy. I guess it’s easier to rent out a movie….

I will be honest  and say that I thought EAT, LOVE, PRAY was a crap movie. People were ranting and raving about the movie. From the outrageous “It changed my life” to the demure “I found things that I could relate to”. I was getting rather annoyed by all the hype.  And that is rather ironic coming from someone who finds meaning in horror movies! The sad truth is that I was having a narcissistic moment. You see I forgot people find meaning wherever and however they can.

Every now and then my friends and I call each other when we have a particularly disturbing dream. Sometimes, because we know each other so well, the meaning of that dream is rather obvious. Heck, you can even say “You better watch out. I think that dream means you need to be careful of….”  Dreams, in my mind, try to give form to all the jumbled thoughts you’ve been carrying around. Yet, people being people seldom take the time to decipher their dreams. I am including myself in that equation!  Yes, meaning only comes when you are ready for it.

I remember my first visit to a psychic. I think I complained about the people I was working with. She looked at me and said ,”Auriol, it’s not your job to wake people up.” Basically she was telling me to get out of other people’s business. I know so many women are not only raising their kids but their husbands also. If you think those men aren’t educated you would be very wrong. These men earn good money but on are clueless on so many levels. I have also observed that many men are better husbands and fathers after their first marriage. Why is that? Why can’t we all just make sense of our lives when it happens?

A while back someone looked at me and said, “Auriol, why don’t you believe people? Who lied to you?” If I had the energy I would have answered him. Sometimes I think I have given up on expecting better from people. Luckily, I haven’t come across many scaly people in the music industry. Most of the time I trust my gut. The dodgy ones I avoid. I don’t waste my time on people I don’t trust and I try not to make an issue out of it either. All I can and will do is ensure that I am true to my word. Not because I want to be morally superior but because I know what it feels like when I don’t.

So when those bad days come instead of marinating in my doubt or letting it all hang out in my music, I clip my earphones on and listen to Mahalia Jackson. I love that her voice  carries me far, far away to a place where I can find meaning….

“People don’t have time to listen,” says the Husband. “They people get into their cars on their way from work and they blank out. They will accept whatever’s playing on the radio because some of them don’t want to think. They want escape” Our conversations about music always get heated.

A while back I got a mail from someone who bought my album. “I thought every song would be like Take it Slow and Turn up the Volume. I didn’t like it that much.” That has always been a problem for me. In fact I spoke to my record boss about this when they wanted to release another single off my album. I did not want to be classed as a pop artist just because it would be more acceptable. Anyway, that is not what I am…

Just the other day my daughter wrote a little article about the evils of the Disney channel. Even she can see how young children’s tastes in music are being molded and crafted so that they can squeeze more money out of their parents.

“Disney is just a big scam. They take people and make them famous  and then slap there big faces all over the web, the shops and the TV. They play there songs over and over again until you are a robot underneath Disney’s spell .They make terrible TV shows like Jake and Blake and play it over and over again until you get use to it. They then release a song and because you   heard it so many times you just give in and your subconscious says ‘Hey I have heard this song so many times so I will buy the CD’ It is sick”

And while I am glad my daughter can think for herself, I refuse to believe the worste of people. This is my philosophy. No matter what you do, you have to bring what’s important to you  - to it. There has to be real sincerity. If you do – it will resonate with people. These days  it’s the spectacle that getting people’s attention.”People have been amazed to learn that a homeless man might have an unusual ability, just as they were dumbfounded that an unattractive woman, Susan Boyle, did” said Andy Borowits from the Huffington Post.

There is so much choice when it comes to music. Music can be copied and downloaded. So to a certaine extent I understand the need for spectacle. But fans require and demand more from the people they spend money on.  They don’t only  buy into your music but who you are an an individual. And if you give back recycled and regurgitated music based on what makes other people popular and successful then you might as well be a puppet. But hey…that’s my opinion.

I remember being awoken at 3 in the morning and seeing my mother smash every plate we had when I was a kid.  She wasn’t crying but she was mad as all hell. I never understood that  until I too  got married! Lol!  Relationships, the real ones, are hard and loosing your footing happens easier than most people would like to admit.

Everything has a flip side, I also realized. Being told you are ugly and useless everyday of your life and getting the occasional slap or kick made me a determined musician. My mother was the only person who had my back and I never really believed her either!  So I always felt lonely and music, when I discovered it, was a revelations. I don’t think I have a great voice but I do know that I will work my ass off because it’s my own…because it’s something no one can take away from me and dammit all, it makes me feel good.

When I think of all the women who have not discovered that thing that gives them joy and peace of mind it reminds me of the tale of The Girl with the Red Shoes from the book Women who Run with the Wolves. In a nutshell a orphaned girl makes her own red shoes and when an old rich lady comes along and offers her a better life she takes it eagerly. Of course the first thing the old bitch does is destroy her shoes.  The girl then searches obsessively and  eventually finds a pair of shoes. They make her dance uncontrollably. So much so that she eventually begs the woodsman to chop her legs off. I know so many women who are seduced and ensnared by fake red shoes; bad men, drugs and into really bad situations. They latch on to anything that looks good…that has the whiff of those original red shoes…

A friend of mine once said, “Shit, we all have problems but you have to put them behind you.” She has a valid point but somethings, I discovered you can’t run from. You have to understand and come to terms with it first. There’s an American spiritual song called Sometimes I Feel Like a Motherless child. There’s a bit that goes “Sometimes I feel like my life’s not worthwhile and I’m a long way from home” That’s my I’m-feeling-sorry-for-myself-song.

The last two years have been so, so  hard but I was lucky I had a pair of red shoes to cling to…

Sometimes all it takes is one thing, one event, one  person to wake you up. It doesn’t matter if you know what’s right or good for you, until something happens to kick your ass wide awake – nothing will change. “The biggest lessons come from the biggest messes”. I tend to agree with the self help guru on this one. It really depends on what you do with what you learn, how you make sense of it and the actions you take. These things have  been percolating because it’s a new year. I won’t even lie the last two years have been the hardest I have ever gone through. Still here I am…

Most of the time I think in terms of music. I wonder what I could be doing to improve my prospects, what areas I should be working on. I learnt that there is no point bitching about other musicians – why they get more work and opportunities while I don’t. Still I don’t envy anyone or try copy them. That is just a waste of my time. After all I am not them. So I do things that make me happy instead. If I get to watch a good movie, have a great conversation or read a good book I am happy. These days cooking or baking  has been added to the list.

When I was looking after my daughter all those years ago, the small things kept me sane. Music had a lot to do with that. I would rummage through my husband’s jazz records and listen to them over and over until I knew the melody and the words. Later on I would hi-jack his beats and write songs to them while the family slept. I never wanted or expected big things. So when I am at home and get into a bit of a funk, it’s always the small things that help…

Very often I will go to our bedroom, close the door and belt out all the jazz standards and spirituals that I love. It really is freeing…just allowing my voice to go and observing the results. Sometimes I hit super dodgy notes! “Just try to fit it in with the song” Tina Schouw once told me when she was my teacher. Yeah, I should try to fit the dodgy things that happened or the ones I caused into the natural rhythm of my life. Doesn’t that just sound easy? Of course it really isn’t..

Back to the jazz … I realized that I need to reconnect with that freedom in the music that gets on to  my album.  Honestly, I have not felt that as yet. I love singing my album and there are good songs on there but…and that “but” I feel is my own doing.  I was watching Confessions of  a Teen Idol (shoot me) and the one guy remarked, “This industry depends on what you do with who you are.” And that is very true. This festive season break made me realize that I need to bring more of who I am not only to my music but also to my life.

“You have been in a bad mood since the new year started!”  The way my sister said it you would swear we were heading towards  August! And even though I denied it vehemently I knew she had a point. I never go into a new year the way I want to – with Radiohead, friends and family in a desert. Yes you read that right. In a desert….I always find excuses to not do something exciting and then fall into a dirty mental funk.

And then something miraculous happened. I happened to catch Quincy Jones’ tribute show to Ella Fitzgerald.  I watched the show and marveled at what Ella achieved. I really did wonder if  she ever saw any of it coming. Consider the political and social climate in which she sang. Hell! I don’t think that I could do that. Look at how bitter it made Nina!  I watched the show, made notes and even forgot to be full of crap. Sometimes a bit of inspiration comes at just the right time.