It’s hard to see people for who they are on even the best of days. Generally we tend to gravitate towards an extreme. They are either mangy tongue twisting bitches or angelic being who perch on God’s shoulder for fun. This kind of attitude always lands us in trouble. Inevitably people can only be this: flawed, imperfect and very human.

Why is it so hard to look at someone’s actions and say, “This is who I am dealing with now and there is very little I can do to change that?” Yet even in that moment of utter disappointment we take on a burden that is not ours to carry. They aren’t the ones who are wrong. We are. There has to be something wrong with us.  I have girlfriends who stay with abusive men for years. They can’t look at their men or themselves in the mirror for too long….

There’s just so much to consider when you interact with people. There’s conditioning, projections and unfulfilled expectations from both sides. At times who the person is gets lost in between all that crap. At other times we prefer to only see the best in people – even when they act like assholes. “I know they’re better than this,” we say to ourselves. And usually we are right – just not at that particular moment.

The ability to see someone for who they are takes time and often comes with a great turmoil. You can’t really know someone when life is sweet and things are good. Most of us don’t want to think about  the bad times or people’s deeper issues. We are too concerned with ourselves and getting what we need from them. That doesn’t make us bad either – just very human…

There are a few things I know with 100% certainly. People will surprise you. Life will surprise you. Having family and friends that really see you and love you in spite of it all – can and will get you through nearly anything..

Music is not for sissies. This is the one thing I got with absolute clarity while watching Earth, Wind and Fire. One of the members, Verdine White, stepped on stage in a pair of crazy yellow and black lacy pants and shook his 60 year old ass at the crowd. And dammit all – we loved it!! He rocked the fook out of those pants and everyone in that hall. I still have not recovered from that ass shaking or their brilliant performance…

So many questions tumbled through my mind as I watched them. I wondered if I could ever rock a crowd like that. I knew the answer the minute the question popped out of my mouth: not yet…As much as the entertainment industry, Idols and law of attraction would like us to believe…not everything can be achieve instantaneously.  There is no substitution for  experience, hard work and mad talent.

That’s why I don’t like it when people rattle off my supposed “achievements”. Heck, I don’t really think I should be called a jazz singer. I am not worthy of that title – yet. How can I be when I have Ella Fitzgerald, Sarah Vaughan, Nina Simone and Anita O Day at the back of my mind? The Earth, Wind and Fire concert left me asking important question: What do I have to do to be my best….

These days all musicians talk about is how to brand themselves, generate more hype and get more fans. Everyone has a strategy. Get seen here, wear this, get into that car and then post it online so people can admire you or at worst be envious.

I am tired of it all and tonight I was reminded of one pertinent fact. I have to remember to get on stage, have fun and not be worried about notes or my big boobs popping out of my dress. I have to trust myself enough and get comfortable in my own pair of yellow and black lacy pants.

Fringe is one of my favorite TV shows.  While I love the intriguing storyline  it did remind me of a distressing adage: truth is stranger than fiction. It all started with a strange link my husband sent me involving the reptilians, mind control and the Global Elite’s plans for world enslavement.  Being married to this man has always been a very interesting experience…

I decided to do a bit of digging on my own and I  read extensively about Project Paperclip (that allowed Nazi scientists to work for covert American intelligence agencies), the numerous human experiments sanctioned by the CIA and the MK ULTRA cults that exposed children to systematic ritualized sexual abuse so that they could gain an intimate understanding of the limits of the human mind.

I would like to think that the bad old days are behind us. That people with money are more ethical and enlightened. But greed and a need to remain in control does alter one’s perception of morality.  We have our very own Wouter Basson who the government for some reason could not only prosecute but also couldn’t get any information out of either.  Yes, he is probably parking off at home watching rugby and greeting his black neighbors who he would have experimented on a few years ago….

Aside from being appalled by all these articles, I was left wondering about my own moral ambiguity. I think that we are all tested in small and big ways  and we are meant to fail some of them. I am more empathic of others because of my shortcoming and failures.  I don’t excuse questionable choices made my friends or even raise my eyebrow in disapproval – I am more interested in the thought processes that lead to their actions.  Anyway, the sad truth is that morality has always in a state of flux. That state of flux being determined by people in power.

When my daughter was about 3 or 4 I created 10 imaginary people for her. Every Friday night I would become any of those characters she requested. Some were downright dodgy! Then I would create a scenario to see if she knew the difference between right and wrong and surprisingly she did – every time.  Now that she is older I pose different questions where the answers are not as clear cut as she would like. She rolls her eyes every time she feels a “lecture” coming on but she lets me sit on her bed and talk nevertheless.

While I share what she can digest I am reminded of two things: the endurance of the human spirit and that sly little bitch known as Karma. Every action has a consequence that will find you no matter how hard you try to run. Even Wouter will get what’s coming to him…

I need to laugh more. I spend way too much time thinking about music and worrying about people. I fear it has turned me into a killjoy and a bore. My daughter suffers from the same affliction but to a lesser degree. She only worries about her school work. “Chill out girlie. You can deal with this. When you get older there will be real things to worry about!” This does not help I have come to realize.

Maybe I should just hire a comedy or better yet go and see a comedy show. Just for a little balance and some fun. The fact that I am even debating how I should have fun is does not bode well. I wish I could just switch off the constant drone in my head….

I always end up doing the next best thing. I  stroll to my daughter’s room and hang out there. All it takes is a few minutes. Next thing you know she’s screaming, I’m screaming…we fall off the bed and inevitably she calls a halt to the merry procession with the following prophetic words, “Stop Mummy I’m going to pee!”

The only way to endure any troubling times is by having both feet firmly planted in the ground. Most of us live in our head. After all that is where Worry Central is located and we all visit her way too often. I have always been grounded by people. I love just hanging out with daughter, best friends or watching movies with the family. These small things create balance and keep me anchored. But I really should get to a comedy show and learn to bring more fun into my life. I fear my daughter is reaching that treacherous age and is getting sick of me. Maybe this is why she keeps insisting that we have another baby…or a dog..

“There I was, baby, addicted to saying things that matter to someone.” That line come from the movie Waitress. How can anyone argue with that? In my darker moments that lines crashes into my mind and  bounces off any surface it can find. Do I really matter to anyone? Take away the band, the clothes that don’t belong to me, the lights and photographers who can make anyone look uber cool….when all that’s left is me…would anyone really care? This is why Phil Collin’s interview struck a chord. I could relate.

Everyone wants to know they matter to someone. The “you-complete-me”, soul mate idea holds no water with me. I am a realist. I expect little. The rest of the planet cannot be counted on to always act in accordance with their better natures. Maybe I adopted that attitude after having front row seats to my parent’s terrible marriage, who knows…

It’s perplexing the way the past casts a spell on everything. It creeps up on you and bites you in the ass in the moments you least expect it. Like last night while listening to excruciatingly boring classical music. I know it will take a long time for me to be free of my own prejudices and hurts. Being human means being honest with myself about who I am and what I am capable of.

I know that I can’t always be the bigger, better person. Sometimes I will be completely unreasonable and loose my shit. And yes, I need to grow up, build a bridge and get over or go see a therapist but is anything ever as easy as it sounds?  What helps is knowing  you matter to someone. Someone who can see past their own agendas and just be there for you….

I can’t say that I am a Phil Collins fan but a recent interview I came across disturbed me. Phil lives in Switzerland and had a fantastic music career by all accounts. In my mind no one should be that damn sad if they are parking off in Geneva and have a few Grammy’s in their basement, excuse me. Maybe I am being too harsh on the guy. I don’t know what he’s been through or how his illness is affecting him. He just seems a bit too eager to step out and take his final bow…

Phil says that he won’t miss banging on the drums due to his health constrains. Personally I think he’s lying.  Being in the presence of a talented drummer is an amazing experience. I freak out at every band rehearsal. Poor Keith is getting sick of me by now!  So the idea that he won’t miss it is inconceivable. Maybe he finds it easier to say he won’t miss it…Yes, I could be projecting but music, to me, is the one thing that does transform me into a functioning human being.

Phil’s honest ranting frightened the bejesus out of me. The emotions and the fears he harbor are all very real to him.  But strange things happen when you allow fetid thoughts to fester and swell. Honestly I want to smack Phil and say, “Shit man there is nothing wrong with who you are! Forget that twat Noel Gallagher and all the anti-Phil websites.” When I think of Phil Collins the music video for You Can’t Hurry Love comes to mind. Love for music, passion and fun was written all over him…

Yes, yes, I am projecting. If I were faced with such negativity would I survive it? Who knows? All I can do is keep those I love close, give no energy to the negative and try to  remain deeply rooted to the mystery and wonderment that is music.  Above all that… I want to always have empathy for others even if I disagree with their choices. That would not only makes me a better musician but a better person. Good luck Philip. I hope you make it to the other side in one piece…