Auriol Hays

Awareness through music

Archive for January, 2012

Like A King

You’re trying to kill me!” I screamed. “No, Mummy, what if there is a flood or a Tsunami? You need to learn  to swim! Now let go!” At first we both laughed so much. She was teaching and I was resisting. Eventually things snapped into place and when it did …a remembrance, an epiphany, washed over me.

I was transported back to our first home inWoodstock. There was something about that looming flat mountain, the swirling clouds rushing towards us and birds…the bladdy birds. The two of us would sit and watch in fascination as they navigated their way through the turbulent skies. We would do that for hours at a time. Just the two of us and those bladdy birds. While in the pool I was reminded of them and a thought struck me.  All of nature exists in a state of perfect grace. There is no struggle to be, no fighting again. It is perfect, without fault and everything is as it should be.

After sharing a perfect day with my daughter I looked into my own life and the chaos I created. There are days when I have no grace, I realized. When I allow anger and ego to rule. That’s when all the colorful swear words escape and phrases  such as revenge, payback and “kill that bitch” creep into my mind. It’s not always to escape my Scorpio energy…

I know that life will throw things at me, and that I won’t always be  graceful about it. There will be days when anger and grief gets the better of me, when I cannot get out of bed and have no faith in myself or those around me.  I also know, and this is especially important, that those days will pass. It has taken a long time for me to accept that I, just like everyone around me, am only human. People cannot give what they do not have. All I can do remain grounded and love as best and hard as I can….and write a song about all the times I failed!

My daughter, I realized, is a reminder of that grace. She isn’t perfect, trust me. She is volatile, opinionated and proud…but her heart is as big and open as the perfect blue sky. My day ended with the two of us lying on a couch, watching tv and talking crap. She shared all the Days-Of-Our-Lives drama at her school while I just laughed and offered my 34 cents, when asked. I then shared some insights in my life – about people and music. “Just stop talking about Ben Harper Mummy!” I wanted to point out that I only did that to annoy her – but opted not too. Teasing her is just way too much fun!

“Like any other gift, the gift of grace can be yours only if you’ll reach out and take it. Maybe being able to reach out and take it is a gift too.”

posted by auriol in Uncategorized and have Comments Off

If I Had a Boat

No one wants to be angry or angry for too long but I have to be honest. I love that initial flush of anger. You know the stage where you swear badly, inappropriately and at inanimate objects!  I have broken phones  and torched a few items in that phase. It left me feeling justified and for a second – powerful. I could almost hear my shaman Jen (yes, I have one, deal with it) saying, “Auriol, when you are  angry you are giving all your power away.” Again, I didn’t care about any of that as the flames roared…

As I listened to James Vincent McMorrow an unexpected thing happened. The anger was replaced by even scarier emotions: disappointment, pain and sadness. As I looked back into my past I saw how my own actions and thinking contributed to the mess I was in. Pointing fingers only helps for a little while.  And as James whispered into my ears…I cried. In fact the proper term would be howled. I never thought I would hear that sound emerge from so deep within me. Finally I got to say and feel what I needed too – if only to myself. I am so glad my daughter was asleep when that happened.

I know of so many people who let anger rule their lives. I grew up with an angry parent. In the end they hurt themselves more than anyone they happen to come into contact with. So even though I initially turned up my nose when Jen suggested all these exercise to deal with my anger, I am glad I didn’t ignore her. I just had to spend a good few hours crying and writing music after the anger left me to regain my balance.

Does that mean that my toaster isn’t in danger of being terribly sworn at in the near future? Probably not…

posted by auriol in human nature and have Comments Off

Bumble Bee Blues

Rumi once said  ” Someone who does not run towards the allure of love walks a road where nothing lives.” I am sharing this in honour of my First Love.

                  I carried his name within me for so long. In my back pocket, under the pillows of my bed and in between the lines of unfinished poems…
We sat a lot, on couches, the floor, the grass, in between my father’s school books. We walked even more – from my house to his, the longest route possible, from the kitchen to the backyard, around people cooking, screaming, arguing. And there was something about   his voice…how it twisted itself around consonants and vowels. Delicately he  anchored them  so I could listen, understand.   We were our own planet and he was my first step into the confusing world of love.

I don’t remember how it ended or why but being loved by him taught me something I kept forgetting as I got older. Love is fueled by sharing. You open your mouth, your world, and pour the big, inconsequential and banal things out of your heart and into theirs.

posted by auriol in love and have Comments Off