It was close to 11pm and I was walking, almost jogging alone. If I could have screamed at the top of my lungs I would have. It was one of those nights. Did I want to get killed? Was I looking for trouble? No, I just needed some air; a space to clear my mind.
I learnt a few big lessons that night. First, I live in a safe area. I should get my daughter a dog… and I can leash in my emotions. The problem, in my opinion, is that everyone wants to be seen as being good or doing the “right” thing. No one can live an incident free life. The shit will go down, in fine style and with all kinds of crazy ratings too! Indulgence seems to be the name of the game. We constantly barraged with the following idea; it’s okay to Indulge…in that beer, that drug, that man, that illusion, that dream, that fear, that emotion.
As I walked through my neighbourhood I came to a startling realization; I am more than all the thoughts, fears and dreams fermenting in my head and in my heart. People get into troubling situations when they think they are one emotion, or when they attach one emotion to one person or situation.
Everyone’s always searching for love or happiness. I dig Aristotle’s take on it. Reason has to be factored into your quest for happiness. Emotions are like fickle teenage bitches that will turn on you. So it makes no sense to be driven or lead astray by them. The idea of Truth resonates deeply with me, more than Love to be honest. Everyday through everything I do and say my idea of that Truth is refined. Some truths can be gained theoretically, some through divine intervention (yes that s**t does happen) but most truths are revealed in times of deep trouble, pain and distress.
A few months ago a few men confessed their love for me. I am not saying this to be vain or arrogant, so please continue reading. I do have some bigger point to make. I listened to what they said, had some tea and responded by saying the following. “You do not love me. You love what’s missing from your own life. You think because you can talk to me and I give you that space that I am the answer…I am not.” None of them really appreciated what I had to say mind you. How could they when they were possessed by that Emotion?
I have a morning ritual that I stick to diligently. I spend a few minutes thinking and thinking about what the hell I want from my life! Sometimes I make lists and jot down ideas but at the end I came to this conclusion. I am a being in flux. The things I desire or need will change. Sometimes from second to second or year to year. If I am honest with myself I can anticipate, plan and adjust so that I am enriched and empowered by them. I don’t think God or The Universe (or whatever you call her) ever leaves you clueless. If you just pay close enough attention to the people in your life, your own actions, fears, dreams you can always change the course of any path you are on. Or in my case inch closer towards my Truth.
I am nowhere near being okay to be honest. There were days I struggled to forgive myself for my own shortcomings and the impact my actions have on others. That’s life, I reckon, Shit Will Happen and you have to learn to deal with it. And when I can’t I can always walk and walk and walk. At least I live in a safe area…