It was close to 11pm  and I was walking, almost jogging alone. If I could have screamed at the top of my lungs  I would have. It was one of those nights. Did I want to get killed? Was I looking for trouble? No, I just needed some air; a space to clear my mind.

I learnt a few big lessons that night. First, I live in a safe area. I should get my daughter a dog… and I can leash in my emotions. The problem, in my opinion, is that everyone wants to be seen as being good or doing the “right” thing. No one can live an incident free life. The shit will go down, in fine style and with all kinds of crazy ratings too! Indulgence seems to be the name of the game. We constantly barraged with the following idea; it’s okay to Indulge…in that beer, that drug, that man, that illusion, that dream, that fear, that emotion.

As I walked through my neighbourhood I came to a startling realization; I am more than all the thoughts, fears and dreams fermenting in my head and in my heart. People get into troubling situations when they think they are one emotion, or when they attach one emotion to one person or situation.

Everyone’s always searching for love or happiness. I dig Aristotle’s take on it. Reason has to be factored into your quest for happiness. Emotions are like fickle teenage bitches that will turn on you.  So it makes no sense to be driven or lead astray by them. The idea of Truth resonates deeply with me, more than Love to be honest. Everyday through everything I do and say my idea of that Truth is refined. Some truths can be gained theoretically, some through divine intervention (yes that s**t does happen) but most truths are revealed in times of deep trouble, pain and distress.

A few months ago a few men confessed their love for me. I am not saying this to be vain or arrogant, so please continue reading. I do have some bigger point to make. I listened to what they said, had some tea and responded by saying the following. “You do not love me. You love what’s missing from your own life. You think because you can talk to me and I give you that space that I am the answer…I am not.” None of them really appreciated what I had to say mind you. How could they when they were possessed by that Emotion?

I have a morning ritual that I stick to diligently. I spend a few minutes  thinking and thinking about what the hell I want from my life! Sometimes I make lists and jot down ideas but at the end I came to this conclusion. I am a being in flux.  The things I desire or need will change. Sometimes from second to second or year to year. If I am honest with myself I can anticipate, plan and adjust so that I am enriched and empowered by them.  I don’t think God or The Universe (or whatever you call her) ever leaves you clueless. If you just pay close enough attention to the people in your life, your own actions, fears, dreams you can always change the course of any path you are on. Or in my case inch closer towards my Truth.

I am nowhere near being okay to be honest. There were days I struggled to forgive myself for my own shortcomings and the impact my actions have on others. That’s life, I reckon, Shit Will Happen and you have to learn to deal with it. And when I can’t I can always walk and walk and walk. At least I live in a safe area…

When I was younger I was hooked on a tv show called Felicity. I never understood why until I re-watched the show. Felicity was this idealistic girl who was madly in love with her Ben. A handsome, oh so misunderstood and completely aloof man. After watching it again I understood just why I loved Ben so much. Most of the men in my life were aloof, cold and standoffish… and little Felicity was always trying her best to save them and perhaps, by doing, so herself .

There was a time when I felt a keen affinity to her but this last year has taught me a great deal about who I am and what I am capable of. Some of it commendable and some of it (to be honest) not so good. I saw how anger can cloud one’s thinking and how important it is to not loose your s**t in the midst of it. Yes, yes…. People come into your life and through their actions you are taught all kinds of lessons. Again, some of it good and a lot of it bad, especially when you have to learn some greater truth about yourself.

My shaman always tells me, “Auriol, rise above your past and the hurts your have endured.” Then she gives me all kinds of exercises I can do to ease my way through it all. This is good advice and will keep you sane if you can adhere to it. But let’s be honest here – human beings, when they are deeply hurt seldom do that. We lash out, say things or become selectively blind. It is always “their fault”. It is easier thinking someone else is to blame than face the fact that you were wrong, lied, betrayed another or were a real bitch.

Still, who wants to admit to that? It is so much easier being thought of as a victim or blaming your behaviour on something or someone else. We’ve all heard the saying, “Karma is a bitch”. In short that is the belief, and sometime it is mistaken as some people never get it, that people will feel the consequences of their actions in due time…and with the necessary punishment. I have had my ass handed to be on numerous occasions by that lovely lady named Karma. In case you are wondering I learnt a great deal from it…and those mistakes will never be repeated.

Back to Felicity and her Ben. I was raised by a cold, aloof father and attracted similar men into my life. I always wanted to help them, encourage them, save them in some twisted way. As I watched the show I realized that I am tired of the Ben’s of the world. I have outgrown the need to coax people out of their shell…and honestly sometimes you have to be a bitch! Being honest about what you need was never going to be easy or even liked by all.

Most people are weak, fallible and fall prey to their baser natures. We have all experienced that. I learnt what I needed to when it happened to me and picked myself up. As  a result have high standards not only for myself but for everyone in my life. In short, I will not be pushed around. I do have a great amount of empathy….but empathy should only be stretched so far.

I don’t know if  Felicity ended up with Ben and frankly I don’t care. I have deleted the series and similarly will rid myself of those false notions. I told a friend recently (and perhaps this sounds cold), “Only see the best in people when it is shown to you.”  Felicity, if you are reading this – get a life and stop trying to please everyone. Ben, wherever you are – get a life, be a man and grow up!