“I want to seduce this man and you must help me! There’s nothing in this shop!” I exclaimed a few days ago. Yes, I was exaggerating but was keen to hear her response. “I know just what you need” said Roshaana, the shop assistant. For the next thirty minutes she took me under her wings. “Oh, I think you should try this…” she said as she handed me some lingerie. “And this will look great with that!” I won’t lie – I was very resistant but I tried them anyway. Needless to say I spent more money than I anticipated. I wanted to purchase a scarf initially but at least I left with a smile and a great deal to think about.
Being single is a very jarring experience. Most of the time I am out of my depth and (I realized in the shop) out of touch. Mother, wife, friend, and musician – those were epithets I was comfortable with. But being a single woman….with um… needs… has blind-sided me. I am not interested in meaningless relationships or casual flirtations. So finding some kind of balance has been…trying.
“Darling you don’t need a boy, you need a Tarzan!” exclaimed Ierephaan as I sat in his salon. I chuckled as he uttered those words but in truth I have no idea what I need. Very often it’s the things one needs that causes big shifts – not what one wants.
And this is why I never fall asleep easily. I have to be sure. I must question. I am not looking for certainty. I just want to understand how I got to this place. Honestly, I would rather be in lust than in love. Lust you can quantify and eventually satiate. It’s fun and it’s entertaining – so I hear. But Love? Part of me wonders whether I could ever love a man as ardently again. Kiss his lips, trace the outlines of his face and not only whisper, “I love you…” but express that love with my every thought and action. Could I really stand in the midst of It without loosing myself?
My sister says I need to get laid. My mother suggested some homeopathic remedies. My daughter wants me to stop listening to Ben Harper (or “The Harp”as she calls him)…but me? I don’t know what I need and that’s about as honest as I can be right now. That’s all I can afford anyone. However, my uncertainty is not about to stop me from purchasing certain items that any full blooded woman should have in her boudoir! In fact getting laid is not the issue – embracing my femininity is. Still being prepared never killed anyone. You just never know what could happen…