Last night I decided to go back into my own personal history …. I decided to go through some old pictures. I found some pictures and compared them to the recent ones and was shocked at what I saw. Now I am not talking about weight gain here only. I recognized that I am not a very happy person….and that the light literally left my eyes. I could track my internal journey by just looking at my eyes. I had become one serious person. And I mean serious about everything in my life. It all stems back to that one moment when everything changed (birth of my daughter). I know that …that moment allowed me to grow so much, I know this….but I have not yet forgiven myself for it. I was a very different person before….carefree, the life and soul of the party. But after the birth of my daughter….that was gone….not a trace of it was left. I would think…and think… and greatly consider every action I was about to take. Now this is not awareness….but was all laced with fear. Fear of loosing control….fear of loving someone so recklessly – and then I just shut down altogether. The only times when I allow myself a bit of fun is when I am on stage (or singing) and when I play with my daughter. I realized that I need to break down all the walls I have constructed around me. I also got that I rarely share my feelings with anyone. If you really want to know how I feel, then look at the songs I have written. Still, even then you would have to look very carefully….I sprinkle bits of my own life in my songs very sparingly.
I need to stop thinking and just get on with the doing part of my life. It’s interesting you know, I have this fallacy I love. Well, it is my own little fallacy and I must love it because I keep thinking about it. This is how it goes… “If I can just make a success out of my music, I will be okay….everything else will fall into place.” Now this is a big emotional block….and it is has its roots in my childhood. I realized that as a child I was already living in my head. So much so that I only really opened up to people and started talking when I was in grade 7. My life before that was a strangely silent one. And I had to admit that it had everything to do with who my parents were. I don’t know how it all started…..but I decided at a young age that if I was silent enough they would stop arguing and life would be okay. And so I hid all my feeling and thoughts behind that wall of silence…and after a while I became it. Now in my family I am the mediator…..ever since I was small I played this role. I needed the people around me to be okay and so I would try my best to ensure that they were.
So after many years I finally discovered the one thing that brought me joy – singing. And admitting that to myself was very hard because it mean sharing my feelings. I remember sitting in the bath with the water running full blast (a few years ago) and singing….so that no one would hear me. Yes, singing allowed me to access my own feelings and share them with others. So every now and then I would climb over my wall and sing in front of it. Then I would let myself back in and hide. I realize that in my own head I am still that silent child hiding behind the curtain.
Now my daughter is fully expressed. Just as I taught her to air her feelings, she allowed me to do the same. I only started singing after she was born. That girl dances, sings, writes her own stories (with the terrible spelling…lol!) and is the funniest person I know. I love to sit and watch cartoons with her….or kiddies movies. And I know why I enjoy it…when I do these kinds of things…that scared child leaves the curtains behind and laughs.
And I don’t share these things with my husband…or anyone that close to me. I use to have a friend in Cape Town who knew me inside and out. And so we built a little fortress that we would hide behind whenever we were together. This is why my husband hates his guts…lol! So now I write music instead of confiding in anyone. I call up my family at least once a week just to know if everything is okay. My sister looks the way I feel….I have just become very good at hiding it. So when people meet me they will notice that I am reserved and cautious but overall (I think) a friendly person who is sincere. And why not…..it is easier to be sincere about other people’s feelings than my own….I have been doing this all my life….Now you know why I write so many songs….all the time…