It’s hard to see people for who they are on even the best of days. Generally we tend to gravitate towards an extreme. They are either mangy tongue twisting bitches or angelic being who perch on God’s shoulder for fun. This kind of attitude always lands us in trouble. Inevitably people can only be this: flawed, imperfect and very human.

Why is it so hard to look at someone’s actions and say, “This is who I am dealing with now and there is very little I can do to change that?” Yet even in that moment of utter disappointment we take on a burden that is not ours to carry. They aren’t the ones who are wrong. We are. There has to be something wrong with us.  I have girlfriends who stay with abusive men for years. They can’t look at their men or themselves in the mirror for too long….

There’s just so much to consider when you interact with people. There’s conditioning, projections and unfulfilled expectations from both sides. At times who the person is gets lost in between all that crap. At other times we prefer to only see the best in people – even when they act like assholes. “I know they’re better than this,” we say to ourselves. And usually we are right – just not at that particular moment.

The ability to see someone for who they are takes time and often comes with a great turmoil. You can’t really know someone when life is sweet and things are good. Most of us don’t want to think about  the bad times or people’s deeper issues. We are too concerned with ourselves and getting what we need from them. That doesn’t make us bad either – just very human…

There are a few things I know with 100% certainly. People will surprise you. Life will surprise you. Having family and friends that really see you and love you in spite of it all – can and will get you through nearly anything..

I watched the movie Tangled with my daughter and loved it! In fact the only reason why we considered watching it was because Zachery Levi was the lead and we are big Chuck fans. Still we we were very surprised at just how much fun the movie was! Anyway, I always reckoned that the best part about having kids is that you get to watch movies, read books and act like a lunatic around them. When my daughter was younger the “acting like a lunatic” bit usually happened on Friday nights at around 8pm. Then I would haul out all her imaginary friend and got to be a complete schizophrenic!

As you can guess I would never suggest anyone go without TV for any reason. There are good shows out there to watch if you dig a bit. When I was a kid The Little Mermaid was my movie.That was the first moment when the idea of being a singer really occurred to me. When she sang about wanting to be “part of their world” I nearly fell off my chair. Dammit-all, I thought, I feel the exactly same way! Even then I knew that there was something, some bit of myself that I was missing out on…that I was waiting to discover…

This is also why I get so damn angry when my daughter switches on Disney channel or Nickelodeon. All the shows have an entertainment angle and let’s be honest here. Not every one on this planet is meant to be a singer or dancer. These kids are being brain washed dammit! I give my daughter endless grief about this. Surely what makes this world work is that we have a diversity of talents?  We are all good at different things.

As the world becomes flatter people are loosing what makes them unique. Our music, TV, and even dreams are standardised and pre-packed. My daughter loves threatening me by saying, “I want to be a singer” and I always respond by saying, “Since when?” or when she is being very pesky “I love you my dear but you can’t sing!” Of course she can sing but I would never want her to want what I want. That’s just way too easy..

I often wonder where my life is going. Maybe I do this because I have way too much time on my hands or perhaps it’s just genetics (a critical character flaw on my part). Anyway after many years of thinking I have narrowed down my desire to one single thing. Above all else I want a life filled with music. Maybe I feel that way because I was a silent kid who hardly spoke and later still someone with so many piled up thoughts that left little time for music or anything else.

So when I picture my ideal life I see it littered with musicians and all kinds of creative people. I see myself being so happy…in that wonderful garden…. drums, guitars and voices filling the air…. boisterous family members arguing …friend’s kids playing in the pool …people huddled together smoking and laughing… and great food being eaten.

Life, I think, cannot be filled with great moments. You need nuances…crazy variations…heightened emotions…days filled with uncertainty and doubt.  At best I have experienced snippets of something wonderful. A perfect day at the zoo…a great night out with friends … hiking on the mountain with family …being shit scared during a horror movie… watching a storm while sipping on Sherry….and hearing a song sung with ease and unexpected beauty.

People can still surprise you too, I discovered. I use to think that humans are not that complex…that if you looked carefully enough you could determine their motivations and predict their next move. Such arrogance on my part! Iknow my life is makes more sense if I am able to appreciate those small exquisite moments that often pass unnoticed. Sure, if I am lucky enough those big moments will come and I will be elated!

But a life filled with music means being awake and aware of everything.  Maybe I can’t always be the one singing the song but I want, always, to be capable if hearing it.

Last night I decided to go back into my own personal history …. I decided to go through some old pictures. I found some pictures and compared them to the recent ones and was shocked at what I saw. Now I am not talking about weight gain here only. I recognized that I am not a very happy person….and that the light literally left my eyes. I could track my internal journey by just looking at my eyes. I had become one serious person. And I mean serious about everything in my life. It all stems back to that one moment when everything changed (birth of my daughter). I know that …that moment allowed me to grow so much, I know this….but I have not yet forgiven myself for it. I was a very different person before….carefree, the life and soul of the party. But after the birth of my daughter….that was gone….not a trace of it was left. I would think…and think… and greatly consider every action I was about to take. Now this is not awareness….but was all laced with fear. Fear of loosing control….fear of loving someone so recklessly – and then I just shut down altogether. The only times when I allow myself a bit of fun is when I am on stage (or singing) and when I play with my daughter. I realized that I need to break down all the walls I have constructed around me. I also got that I rarely share my feelings with anyone. If you really want to know how I feel, then look at the songs I have written. Still, even then you would have to look very carefully….I sprinkle bits of my own life in my songs very sparingly.

I need to stop thinking and just get on with the doing part of my life. It’s interesting you know, I have this fallacy I love. Well, it is my own little fallacy and I must love it because I keep thinking about it. This is how it goes… “If I can just make a success out of my music, I will be okay….everything else will fall into place.” Now this is a big emotional block….and it is has its roots in my childhood. I realized that as a child I was already living in my head. So much so that I only really opened up to people and started talking when I was in grade 7. My life before that was a strangely silent one. And I had to admit that it had everything to do with who my parents were. I don’t know how it all started…..but I decided at a young age that if I was silent enough they would stop arguing and life would be okay. And so I hid all my feeling and thoughts behind that wall of silence…and after a while I became it. Now in my family I am the mediator…..ever since I was small I played this role. I needed the people around me to be okay and so I would try my best to ensure that they were.

So after many years I finally discovered the one thing that brought me joy – singing. And admitting that to myself was very hard because it mean sharing my feelings. I remember sitting in the bath with the water running full blast (a few years ago) and singing….so that no one would hear me. Yes, singing allowed me to access my own feelings and share them with others. So every now and then I would climb over my wall and sing in front of it. Then I would let myself back in and hide. I realize that in my own head I am still that silent child hiding behind the curtain.

Now my daughter is fully expressed. Just as I taught her to air her feelings, she allowed me to do the same. I only started singing after she was born. That girl dances, sings, writes her own stories (with the terrible spelling…lol!) and is the funniest person I know. I love to sit and watch cartoons with her….or kiddies movies. And I know why I enjoy it…when I do these kinds of things…that scared child leaves the curtains behind and laughs.

And I don’t share these things with my husband…or anyone that close to me. I use to have a friend in Cape Town who knew me inside and out. And so we built a little fortress that we would hide behind whenever we were together. This is why my husband hates his guts…lol! So now I write music instead of confiding in anyone. I call up my family at least once a week just to know if everything is okay. My sister looks the way I feel….I have just become very good at hiding it. So when people meet me they will notice that I am reserved and cautious but overall (I think) a friendly person who is sincere. And why not…..it is easier to be sincere about other people’s feelings than my own….I have been doing this all my life….Now you know why I write so many songs….all the time…

If someone had to ask me just what I wish for…..the list would not be endless. Actually, the things I desire are rather few. Sure I could go on and on about all the cool things I’d like to own but I would get bored of it after a while. Wishing is such a waste of time in any case …let’s blame all the fairy god mothers and the reality shows out there.
The thing that really gets me though is my own expectations….they are rather high. In my mind it doesn’t matter if I am doing something for the first time, I want to be brilliant at it. And when I am not….I feel really kak (shit)…and I start having all these doubts about who I am and what I can achieve. When in fact there is nothing wrong with me….my expectations are just unrealistic.

The spiritual people out there say that people should not be attached to the outcome of any situation. Well, that is kinda hard. But I think that what they are talking about is……wait for it….faith. See, there is nothing wrong with wanting or needing something. The problem is that in our minds we have a certain idea of what that thing should look like and sound like…..so when it comes in another form or shape we often don’t even know it’s in front of us. If we had more faith in our abilities….and are more aware of what’s going on around us….we would recognize IT when we see it.
It really is about living in the moment….if you are then you won’t really be concerned with what happened yesterday or tomorrow. All you see and appreciate is now. And it’s in that moment when you get to create what you desire…..and if you have the faith….you might just live to see it materialize. Instead of wishing for it….and secretly hoping that a camera crew is going to pitch up outside your house.

This business of creating the life you really want is hard.
At first it is rather exciting….just the thought of being able to be and have anything you want is very seductive – but after a while…you (and by that I mean me) can loose the plot. The fact is that in order to keeps the momentum going you have to find new ways of expressing what it is you want in your life. When I was in high school one of our English tests revolved around an article about the ill effects of smoking. Let me tell you something….every smoker was gathered during break discussing just how much that article made them want to smoke. Now isn’t that ironic? Our teacher was hoping to get us to change our evil ways and it has the opposite effect. This is what happens when you keep seeing the same message over and over again…..you forget it’s real importance and you become numb. This is why people can sit and watch the most violent movies…it has become so routine. So how does this tie in with keeping the energy going in the direction of your desires? In a way, I think, you have to find different ways of re-phrasing or repackaging what it is you desire. That way it stays fresh in your mind. This helps a lot because you will manifest what you want so much easier if you feel better about what’s going on in your life. Like I said…it is hard to do that. It is so easy to just let things go on the way they have been….you go on autopilot and life just…happens to you. I can’t live that anymore….

Lots of new age talk center around the idea of being present. When I think of being present I realize just how hard it really is. Most of the time the past, with all its regrets and failures, is very alive to me. My sister recently had a baby…and when I see her and the way she interacts with him I realize that I was never really present in my dealings with my daughter. At 21 I had dropped out of university was married with a kid on the way. Truthfully I felt ashamed of myself and the mess I was in. Aside from that I felt isolated and alone. This did not make me a very good mother, I think. In fact it did not make me a good anything. So for most of the last 10 years I have been everywhere else but present. I always thought I had to be somewhere else. That’s the thing I struggle with most. I cannot enjoy the moment I am in because in my mind I am not where I need to be. In one of my quieter moments I tried to think of the successes I had in the last year. I could not easily find anything because I had not achieved my goals as yet. Now you could say that I am being too hard on myself and perhaps there is some truth to that…but if I cannot achieve my goals then what is the point of it all? Now I am not being suicidal here….but in my darker moments I wonder if my life (as it is now) means anything to anyone…if it really means anything to me. Honestly the only thing that stopped me from committing suicide is my daughter. I would not want to dump that emotional mess on her. So I think of other things instead. I wonder about my life and whether I am really present to the good stuff. It is rather pointless thinking about death…after all it is inevitable. What I think of a lot is how I will live my life and the quality of that life. I think of how to forgive myself for having a child so young….I wonder how I will allow myself to trust others and to receive love from them. All this would require me letting go of my past and creating the space for something new to enter. This is very hard at times…..

When I small I really wanted this toy. Now I don’t even remember what kind of toy it was…all that I do remember is that aching, knowing feeling inside. I kept thinking that if I didn’t get this toy I was just gonna die! Now I thought that I was a grown ass adult. I thought that I had outgrown all my childish impulses….until a few days ago… when I came face to face with something I craved. And it was insane…I could literally think of nothing else beside this thing I wanted. I did nothing but sit and obsess for a few days

Naturally I did not get the thing I thought I wanted more than anything in the entire world….and seeing that I didn’t die… I did the next best thing…I cried for a while….

A few days have passed and I now have to ask myself just what the hell was going through my mind. Why was I so determined to get it? Why was I so obsessed that at times I literally felt sick? It actually only comes down to one thing…expectation. In the past I was so scared to ever really want anything (because honestly I never got it) that I stopped wanting anything that badly. I stopped begging my parents for things….Right now I won’t ask my husband for anything…even if I really need it….even if we have the money. I won’t ask. And when do I feel cheap….like I just sold my soul to Satan. I know what the “spiritual” people out there say… you should not expect… you should know. Knowing means having absolute faith that what you need will come to you. Expectation is another thing altogether….I would equate it to a wishing game. So, I didn’t get what I really wanted. I must believe that I didn’t get it for a reason. You know what they say about one door opening and another closing. This is what I hate about myself. I over think everything. A piece of chocolate is never just a piece of chocolate to me. And honestly that ruins everything….

I like the idea of getting tempted. Let’s say you have made major changes in your life and things are going rather well. Then you come across something or someone who has the potential to sway you back to your bad old ways. I know that it sounds a bit dramatic and all, but I will make my point soon enough. Making any kind of change in your life is hard and requires a great deal of courage and that would mean nothing if you didn’t get tempted every now and again. I got tempted to get a job that I probably would have hated just because I really missed having money in my pocket. I knew that it was never going to be what I wanted….but the idea was overpowering. Luckily I have lived long enough to know what a compromised life feels like.

Here’s another “truth” of mine. I feel that I have wasted so much of my life trying to please other people. Trying to be the perfect mother/wife….because I thought (for a while) that it’s all I could ever be. Now that I know different….I am not interested in being a perfect anything – just a decent person. Someone who won’t be compromised anymore. This is why I spend hours everyday working on what I love and somehow fitting the rest in. For me it comes down to priorities. I can only really be of service to anyone if I am independent and living my life to the fullest….. and the fact is that those wasted years were very valuable…they showed me just what I don’t want in my life. Anyway I found it rather interesting when a reader told me a year ago that I have chosen the path of temptation…..my reaction was “oh yes!” That will make my life….very intriguing!

The idea of temptation also reminds me of my brother. He was sent on a simple shopping errand and got high instead…went missing for 2 days. Yeah, sometimes temptation doesn’t always work out….but there’s something to be learnt from even that. I think that everyone should be aware of their weaknesses…..accept responsibility (he blamed my mother for sending him to the shop in the first place!) and move on….

One of my friends had a very simple request…all she wanted was someone to love her – so she put it out o the universe. Then this guy rocks up in her life and he is not the kind of man she would even look at. Her first response is to tell him to fook off. Here’s the thing…..if she had just looked past his appearance she would have seen what we all saw….a wonderful person. And by the time she did…..it was too late.

I think that we all have expectations about the things we want and how they should appear in our lives. I remember asking a question in a meditation and getting the following answer…..things appear when and how they are suppose to….not how you would like it to. I think it’s you desire that propel you into this world…….it’s the fuel of creation…..but the expectation is what kills off most of that desire. What you need to do is not be expectant but appreciative….of the things you would like and what you have in your life currently.
I have had to learn to live on the desire of something while trying not to expect too much. And what I discovered was this….if I think of something I would love to happen…..just that thought is enough to get me so excited and propel me into action……and so I hang on to the feeling that the specific thought brings……while working towards that outcome. This is what I do with my music specifically. I made certain requests…..work towards it constantly…..and now all I have to do is wait to be surprised…..