Girly, two years from now we are adopting a boy” I announced. “No Mummy, wait for that man who will give you babies.” I love my daughter but clearly she does not know me. “But what of your music?” I was asked. Being married and divorced taught me a valuable lesson around balance. Dammit-all, I cannot and will not lie about what I need. A friend once remarked. “Auriol there is no perfect time for anything. All you have to do is decide and when you do it will be right; perfect” and finally I have.
I loved every second of being a mother to a young kid. Granted, I was not a “traditional mother”. Fairy tales would be transformed into horror musicals, menacing imaginary friends would be allowed to roam free on Friday nights, hours were spent in the bath where we would broadcast our tv show and on really hot days there was always the Chair of Doom…
Fun and jokes aside, being a single mother has been challenging. I won’t lie. Every second of everyday I feel as though I have failed her. I question every action, every thought where she is concerned. I am relieved I no longer have to answer her when she asks “Why can’t things go back to the way they were?” Still, it eats at me. “I must do more” I keep telling myself but then the recognition hits; I cannot be anymore than I am right now. And I will not apologize for it.
I envy people who have kids on their own terms. Home sorted, car paid, nice green lawn and a dog to boot! I was barely a fully functioning adult when my daughter was born. I did not know what to do or where to turn. All I had was this one person who, truth be told, I needed. Every so often she creeps into my bed. Before I violently expel her (by making dirty sex sounds), I take a few seconds and marvel at the person she has become. A self proclaimed confabulator, comedic writer, painter, lover of all things odd and gory, all round good kid and the love of my life. Why would I not want to share all of that madness with another child?