When I was younger I was hooked on a tv show called Felicity. I never understood why until I re-watched the show. Felicity was this idealistic girl who was madly in love with her Ben. A handsome, oh so misunderstood and completely aloof man. After watching it again I understood just why I loved Ben so much. Most of the men in my life were aloof, cold and standoffish… and little Felicity was always trying her best to save them and perhaps, by doing, so herself .

There was a time when I felt a keen affinity to her but this last year has taught me a great deal about who I am and what I am capable of. Some of it commendable and some of it (to be honest) not so good. I saw how anger can cloud one’s thinking and how important it is to not loose your s**t in the midst of it. Yes, yes…. People come into your life and through their actions you are taught all kinds of lessons. Again, some of it good and a lot of it bad, especially when you have to learn some greater truth about yourself.

My shaman always tells me, “Auriol, rise above your past and the hurts your have endured.” Then she gives me all kinds of exercises I can do to ease my way through it all. This is good advice and will keep you sane if you can adhere to it. But let’s be honest here – human beings, when they are deeply hurt seldom do that. We lash out, say things or become selectively blind. It is always “their fault”. It is easier thinking someone else is to blame than face the fact that you were wrong, lied, betrayed another or were a real bitch.

Still, who wants to admit to that? It is so much easier being thought of as a victim or blaming your behaviour on something or someone else. We’ve all heard the saying, “Karma is a bitch”. In short that is the belief, and sometime it is mistaken as some people never get it, that people will feel the consequences of their actions in due time…and with the necessary punishment. I have had my ass handed to be on numerous occasions by that lovely lady named Karma. In case you are wondering I learnt a great deal from it…and those mistakes will never be repeated.

Back to Felicity and her Ben. I was raised by a cold, aloof father and attracted similar men into my life. I always wanted to help them, encourage them, save them in some twisted way. As I watched the show I realized that I am tired of the Ben’s of the world. I have outgrown the need to coax people out of their shell…and honestly sometimes you have to be a bitch! Being honest about what you need was never going to be easy or even liked by all.

Most people are weak, fallible and fall prey to their baser natures. We have all experienced that. I learnt what I needed to when it happened to me and picked myself up. As  a result have high standards not only for myself but for everyone in my life. In short, I will not be pushed around. I do have a great amount of empathy….but empathy should only be stretched so far.

I don’t know if  Felicity ended up with Ben and frankly I don’t care. I have deleted the series and similarly will rid myself of those false notions. I told a friend recently (and perhaps this sounds cold), “Only see the best in people when it is shown to you.”  Felicity, if you are reading this – get a life and stop trying to please everyone. Ben, wherever you are – get a life, be a man and grow up!

No one wants to be angry or angry for too long but I have to be honest. I love that initial flush of anger. You know the stage where you swear badly, inappropriately and at inanimate objects!  I have broken phones  and torched a few items in that phase. It left me feeling justified and for a second – powerful. I could almost hear my shaman Jen (yes, I have one, deal with it) saying, “Auriol, when you are  angry you are giving all your power away.” Again, I didn’t care about any of that as the flames roared…

As I listened to James Vincent McMorrow an unexpected thing happened. The anger was replaced by even scarier emotions: disappointment, pain and sadness. As I looked back into my past I saw how my own actions and thinking contributed to the mess I was in. Pointing fingers only helps for a little while.  And as James whispered into my ears…I cried. In fact the proper term would be howled. I never thought I would hear that sound emerge from so deep within me. Finally I got to say and feel what I needed too – if only to myself. I am so glad my daughter was asleep when that happened.

I know of so many people who let anger rule their lives. I grew up with an angry parent. In the end they hurt themselves more than anyone they happen to come into contact with. So even though I initially turned up my nose when Jen suggested all these exercise to deal with my anger, I am glad I didn’t ignore her. I just had to spend a good few hours crying and writing music after the anger left me to regain my balance.

Does that mean that my toaster isn’t in danger of being terribly sworn at in the near future? Probably not…

When I write a new song I always send it to people who understand and know me best. Later I send it to “fans” or people who are invested in my music. And always a wonderfully strange thing happens. Instead of simply saying “I like this song” or “It does nothing for me” I get intimate peaks into their lives. When I finally got the final mix for the song Over My Shoulders, I sent it to Christopher. “The new album is driven by a central theme, the unraveling of a relationship”, I casually remarked. “I like concept albums,” he said. “It tells a story. I hope all your future works will be the same.”

Instead of thinking of future albums I wondered about my life. If it had an overarching theme or concept and if I was living up to it or not.  For so long I lived my life by default. For the last three years I felt like I was living in purgatory of sorts. Weeks would go by in a blur and I could neither control nor understand why that was. So it is rather fitting that my new album is called Anima Sola…

Music changed all that and brought greater focus to my life. Even during those times when my life felt like it was going to hell, music always kept me sane. That’s another thing I learnt. When one is in a troubling spot it is best to remain focused on what gives strength. “You are so strong” a friend once said. Strong, me? I think not. At best I never show what I feel and somehow that gets interpreted as strength. If only she knew how many times I felt overwhelmed, lonely or scared. And that’s when it struck me. I have to learn to manage my emotions and communicate that in a balanced way to those nearest to me. And that is always an easy thing to do through music. Well, easier…take away the music and I am a mess.

In light of that epiphany I have decided to do something drastic.  I will audit myself so I know where and why failed.  And that means being brutally honest – not a pleasant experience. Then I will discuss my finding with my group of advisers (very good friends) and listen to their independent take on the matter. I don’t want to be burdened by sadness or nostalgia anymore. This purgatory business is boring me and it really is time for a change…

I love Star Trek and Dr Who not only because of the aliens, hot men and interesting story lines. I know what you’re thinking, “She is just full of s**t. Watch something educational please! The world is filled with enough problems and you are wasting your time on tv shows!” Do allow me to explain…

I am very emotional and only learnt the extent of that energy when my daughter was born. I would go wherever the wind lured me. Often neglecting my studies and friends for boys – well, one boy in particular. Then my daughter was born and I had to re-evaluate everything. The end result being that I almost became a hermit and way too introspective. “Why did that happen to me and what was I suppose to learn from it?” In fact I would ask that about every encounter or person in my life -often driving my friends and myself crazy in the process.

I would then switch on the television at night and be confronted in a completely unexpected way. By  a character like Spok in Star Trek for example. He who was my polar opposite, seemingly devoid of emotions and reliant only on logic. “Could I do that?” I wondered? I quickly discovered that I could not, but that is the first time I learnt the value of emotions and how they can overwhelm and cloud my thinking.

The irony is my life was littered with Spocks. People who either refused to show emotions or simply did not know how too….and it drove me crazy. How can you argue with someone like that, tell me? I would be in tears unable to string a sentence together and they would stand there unaffected. As the years went by I did the only logical thing I knew too. I learnt to control, take in and withdraw what I felt.

Then music came along and all those barriers and defenses were blown to smithereens. How can I be a musician if I do not share honestly, sincerely? Music won’t allow me to lie…because, as cliché as it sounds, I am at my best and most sincere when I sing or write music. I no longer have to control, take in or withdraw. I also don’t need anyone to make me feel safe in that space…I do that for myself.

I could go on and on about how Star Trek and Dr Who do so much more than entertain. They tackle troubling issues such as cultural relativism, religious morality…in short we are confronted with our own human condition. Yes, it can be rather depressing (all those moral dilemmas) but always there’s a glimmer of hope at the end of each episode – and that was enough for me. Those two shows remind me that I should never give up or abandon my lust for adventure…even if my lust is confined only to music – for now.

A friend of mine once said that happiness is selfish. You have to claim what you want and need. Most of us don’t though. We lie about who we are, what we are capable of giving and hope that no one catches us out.

The universe has a funny way of letting you know what’s up when you are too busy to pay attention. Strange things happen. Accidents, bad mojo and, in my case, a lot of confusing dreams. Once I was uncertain of a choice I had to make. I remember being in the car and silently asked for guidance. The answer came in a very unexpected way. Every light for at least 10 minutes was red. The answer could not have been clearer.

Sometimes I gain clarity through music. I have been accused of writing too many sad songs. I do this, I think, to confront and rid myself of my fears. By writing music I take what’s in my head and heart and …somehow am able to see myself clearly. The results are often a revelation “Damn! I didn’t know I felt that way!”

With each song I write and experience I have I come to understand what happiness could be and every morning ask for three things. That I am able to love myself and others sincerely. I got a wake up call when my daughter casually remarked, “Why do you always look so disgusted when you look in the mirror?” Dang kids…some of them are too observant and should be shot.

Then I ask for awareness. If I am not aware of my own shortcoming and why I sabotage myself it will be pointed out to me by others time and time again. That is not a pleasant experience. I link my flaws and blind spots to childhood conditioning.  As I grow older I discovered that a great deal of what I was taught is no longer relevant. I need to adjust and reassess and find new ways of being. Love, happiness and abundance have many different forms and all I need to do is spot them in time.

The last thing I ask for is music. Not only the ability to make music but to hear it in others. In the way they speak, the things they share, the food they make…their laughter, the things they can’t say. That, to me, is an act of love.

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”  Rumi, was one smart dude.

Sometimes I am convinced that most of us are ill prepared for what life throws at us. Scrap that! I am always ill prepared. Music is easy compared to everyday living. You practice your notes, rehearse in real time, in your sleep and you can pull of a decent performance. Life, on the other hand is more…complex.

The only way to get through it is by having something to look forward too. I still want to celebrate a birthday in the desert listening to Radiohead, Muse, Grand Funk Railroad while being surrounded by friends all huddled around a big fire. I want to lie on my back, gaze up at the open sky, hear music being played around me and forget everything for a while. Ah, it is a sweet dream…

I do wonder if I would have been better prepared for this life if my mother taught me how to be a proper lady. If I knew how to cook, clean like a pro, walk comfortably in heels and to dress better. Instead all I can sing a song reasonably well and write a good song if I am inspired. My world does feel rather small and at times I wonder if it is enough…

There are days when I am deliriously happy and manage to forget all my shortcomings. I put on some good music, cook and do a little impromptu dance with a wooden spoon in my hand. Or I sit in the sun and read a book while my cat naps on my lap. Then there’s my daughter who’s just an all round comedian-wannabe rapper-writer-painter. Mostly she lives to mock me and my taste in music.

Maybe I just need to write less depressing songs about death and revolutions and simply be more observant.  While on that note, I should also stop comparing my cooking to the dishes I see on MasterChef. After all I am not trying to win a competition! I just don’t want to poison anyone….

Some people are headed for a nervous breakdown. I can see it so clearly when scanning through rather questionable and oh so very flaky status updates on Facebook. Yes, yes…I know that everyone has their own process and ways of dealing with their lives and I should have more empathy… but sometimes, just sometimes I want to slap them and say, “Get real man! You can’t new age your way through everything!

Emotions are meant to be felt, painfully endured, and worked through so you can heal… Of course, I would only ever say that to people I know intimately…but forgive me for thinking badly of total strangers. I am not Buddha chilling under a tree. Enlightenment is far, far, far away I fear…

After just watching Planet of the Apes, I was struck by the following thought, “Life will always conspire to show you who you really are; your darkest fears and deepest desires”. This only means one thing my mind dear friend, the shit will hit the fan and when it does how you respond will determine if you are able expunge that funky stench from your skin and bones. Yes, yes…personal experience blah, blah, blah…

So instead of getting annoyed and making some snarky comment, I hide their status updates. The truth is I was once that oblivious. I once clung to a lot of – isms to get by. Simply reading a few books and jotting down carefully selected new age sentence can only get you so far. In order to really learn you have to feel it in every inch of your bones and that takes time.

It takes time for any truth to lodge itself within you. Very often it comes with lots of pain, drama and sometimes a little nervous breakdown or three. And if you’re a musician nervous breakdowns are great! They can fire your creativity for months on end!  At least this is what I tell myself…

A friend asked me what I was doing in 1998. After pausing for a few seconds it came back to me. I spent way too much time playing klaverjas, perving over men with my friends and reading books in the library that had nothing to do with what I was studying. Oh, I was also going out with a boy who regularly overdosed on rap music. I was spontaneously and deliriously happy…

Having just recovered from a serious bout of writer’s block – I feel a bit like my old 1998 self again. Sure, life isn’t perfect but I feel more evened out and polished at the edges. When I have writer’s block it generally means that I am not dealing with my life very well. It leaves me feeling hollowed out and empty….as though there is no more music left in me. Everything just feels muted and bland.

Every emotion, I have learnt, has its place. I am just tired of wallowing in one state of mind and writing a soundtrack to it. Now I actively seek out happiness – no matter what form it takes. I have cut down on my daily Ben Harper intake too. He leaves me feeling comforted but a bit too sad. So I might as well just chill out and enjoy the ride because things will go wrong till the day I die. I can’t afford to linger in depression or hurt. That would just make me a sad human being and a terrible musician.

Many things have changed since 1998…Granted I do not salaciously perv over men or drink cheap red wine anymore. Now I am more civilized…urbane. I like the odd glass of white wine (Boschendal please) and regularly play an invented game called man poker with a friend of mine. Currently I am in the lead after trumping him with a picture of Jason Mamoa. And yes, I will go and watch Conan just because Jason is the lead. Plot? Who cares about that…?

My sister can shock the hell out of me! Maybe it’s because she’s the middle child or a Virgo. Honestly Sandra Bullock doesn’t stand a chance of grabbing that Oscar if my sister’s around. Before I carry on I just want to state that I love my sister – with all my heart and soul. Even though she does not look the part my beloved sister can be a drama queen of note! And here’s the scary part – I love every second of it!

I feed off those crazy emotions. I am a musician after all. At best I try to extract and distill negative emotions. Sometimes it’s as simple as saying: this is how it is, deal with it. Life isn’t always pretty and people aren’t always nice. On a good day I try to gain insight into my own condition and share it. A fellow artist and friend, Curtis Folts  remarked, “The purpose of an artist is to evoke the fullest range of emotions from people that their medium allows and to lend them the courage to see themselves in that light.”

Now that I am writing music for the Deep Hays album all the blood has been cleared and I find myself in a peculiar position. I am no longer the killer or the wounded. The polar opposite in fact – I am the lover and the beloved. And that is deeply satisfying from a songwriting point of view

I have a confession to make that will explain a great deal. I recently set up an altar in my home. Yes, I returned to my heathen ways. In it I have symbolic representations of what matters most in my life. The Gods Saraswati, Lakshmi and Ganesh are now part of my home. Before you ask I do house other religious iconography…

Part of my morning ritual involves simply sitting alone for a few minutes and focusing on those parts of my life I need help with. My mother does the same – only with her bible and lots of singing. Thanks to this ritual I am a bit more focused now. I do not allow my emotions to highjack me – that often…Once my head is cleared I start my day.

On a serious note giving into those emotions can lead to ruin. Okay, maybe I am being a bit dramatic but they definitely get you into trouble. I have to share what Curtis said to me this morning because it  resonates, “I believe that when we master our relationship with our emotions we will master our evolution.”

Back to my sister. She once convinced some people that she is a recovered heroin addict who sincerely wanted to start a daycare centre. She walked away with their phone numbers and their kids names! I love my sister but sometimes, just sometimes, she is gloriously, deliciously mad…and strangely enough that keeps me sane!

Elton John was right – sorry seems to be the hardest words. Now I am not a fan of his music but the man has a point. If we were actors or politicians life would be easier. We could say something completely rancid and get away with it – after making the necessary public apologies and shaking hands with the previously offended.

The philosopher Solon said “Put more trust in nobility of character than in an oath.” In other words don’t believe a damn thing people say! The biggest mistakes I ever made were when I ignored Solon’s advice. Now I pay attention to what people do or fail to do. Yes, I like to watch!

I am tired of people trying to be “good”. Hell, I have made good, bad and awful decisions. I have prejudices that I won’t apologize for. If I am to release myself of those prejudices I will do so on my own terms and when I am ready. There will be no handshaking going on anytime soon to appease others.

Call it Karma or the workings of the Universe, but we all get hurt and hurt others in turn.  Either way I don’t regret anything – especially not the “bad” decisions. They were my greatest teachers after all. The insights I gained I guard closely. They are “Tattooed across my heart….every letter bold and dark.”  Yes, Ben Harper sang that…in case you didn’t know