Sometimes I am convinced that most of us are ill prepared for what life throws at us. Scrap that! I am always ill prepared. Music is easy compared to everyday living. You practice your notes, rehearse in real time, in your sleep and you can pull of a decent performance. Life, on the other hand is more…complex.

The only way to get through it is by having something to look forward too. I still want to celebrate a birthday in the desert listening to Radiohead, Muse, Grand Funk Railroad while being surrounded by friends all huddled around a big fire. I want to lie on my back, gaze up at the open sky, hear music being played around me and forget everything for a while. Ah, it is a sweet dream…

I do wonder if I would have been better prepared for this life if my mother taught me how to be a proper lady. If I knew how to cook, clean like a pro, walk comfortably in heels and to dress better. Instead all I can sing a song reasonably well and write a good song if I am inspired. My world does feel rather small and at times I wonder if it is enough…

There are days when I am deliriously happy and manage to forget all my shortcomings. I put on some good music, cook and do a little impromptu dance with a wooden spoon in my hand. Or I sit in the sun and read a book while my cat naps on my lap. Then there’s my daughter who’s just an all round comedian-wannabe rapper-writer-painter. Mostly she lives to mock me and my taste in music.

Maybe I just need to write less depressing songs about death and revolutions and simply be more observant.  While on that note, I should also stop comparing my cooking to the dishes I see on MasterChef. After all I am not trying to win a competition! I just don’t want to poison anyone….

Some people are headed for a nervous breakdown. I can see it so clearly when scanning through rather questionable and oh so very flaky status updates on Facebook. Yes, yes…I know that everyone has their own process and ways of dealing with their lives and I should have more empathy… but sometimes, just sometimes I want to slap them and say, “Get real man! You can’t new age your way through everything!

Emotions are meant to be felt, painfully endured, and worked through so you can heal… Of course, I would only ever say that to people I know intimately…but forgive me for thinking badly of total strangers. I am not Buddha chilling under a tree. Enlightenment is far, far, far away I fear…

After just watching Planet of the Apes, I was struck by the following thought, “Life will always conspire to show you who you really are; your darkest fears and deepest desires”. This only means one thing my mind dear friend, the shit will hit the fan and when it does how you respond will determine if you are able expunge that funky stench from your skin and bones. Yes, yes…personal experience blah, blah, blah…

So instead of getting annoyed and making some snarky comment, I hide their status updates. The truth is I was once that oblivious. I once clung to a lot of – isms to get by. Simply reading a few books and jotting down carefully selected new age sentence can only get you so far. In order to really learn you have to feel it in every inch of your bones and that takes time.

It takes time for any truth to lodge itself within you. Very often it comes with lots of pain, drama and sometimes a little nervous breakdown or three. And if you’re a musician nervous breakdowns are great! They can fire your creativity for months on end!  At least this is what I tell myself…

A friend asked me what I was doing in 1998. After pausing for a few seconds it came back to me. I spent way too much time playing klaverjas, perving over men with my friends and reading books in the library that had nothing to do with what I was studying. Oh, I was also going out with a boy who regularly overdosed on rap music. I was spontaneously and deliriously happy…

Having just recovered from a serious bout of writer’s block – I feel a bit like my old 1998 self again. Sure, life isn’t perfect but I feel more evened out and polished at the edges. When I have writer’s block it generally means that I am not dealing with my life very well. It leaves me feeling hollowed out and empty….as though there is no more music left in me. Everything just feels muted and bland.

Every emotion, I have learnt, has its place. I am just tired of wallowing in one state of mind and writing a soundtrack to it. Now I actively seek out happiness – no matter what form it takes. I have cut down on my daily Ben Harper intake too. He leaves me feeling comforted but a bit too sad. So I might as well just chill out and enjoy the ride because things will go wrong till the day I die. I can’t afford to linger in depression or hurt. That would just make me a sad human being and a terrible musician.

Many things have changed since 1998…Granted I do not salaciously perv over men or drink cheap red wine anymore. Now I am more civilized…urbane. I like the odd glass of white wine (Boschendal please) and regularly play an invented game called man poker with a friend of mine. Currently I am in the lead after trumping him with a picture of Jason Mamoa. And yes, I will go and watch Conan just because Jason is the lead. Plot? Who cares about that…?

My sister can shock the hell out of me! Maybe it’s because she’s the middle child or a Virgo. Honestly Sandra Bullock doesn’t stand a chance of grabbing that Oscar if my sister’s around. Before I carry on I just want to state that I love my sister – with all my heart and soul. Even though she does not look the part my beloved sister can be a drama queen of note! And here’s the scary part – I love every second of it!

I feed off those crazy emotions. I am a musician after all. At best I try to extract and distill negative emotions. Sometimes it’s as simple as saying: this is how it is, deal with it. Life isn’t always pretty and people aren’t always nice. On a good day I try to gain insight into my own condition and share it. A fellow artist and friend, Curtis Folts  remarked, “The purpose of an artist is to evoke the fullest range of emotions from people that their medium allows and to lend them the courage to see themselves in that light.”

Now that I am writing music for the Deep Hays album all the blood has been cleared and I find myself in a peculiar position. I am no longer the killer or the wounded. The polar opposite in fact – I am the lover and the beloved. And that is deeply satisfying from a songwriting point of view

I have a confession to make that will explain a great deal. I recently set up an altar in my home. Yes, I returned to my heathen ways. In it I have symbolic representations of what matters most in my life. The Gods Saraswati, Lakshmi and Ganesh are now part of my home. Before you ask I do house other religious iconography…

Part of my morning ritual involves simply sitting alone for a few minutes and focusing on those parts of my life I need help with. My mother does the same – only with her bible and lots of singing. Thanks to this ritual I am a bit more focused now. I do not allow my emotions to highjack me – that often…Once my head is cleared I start my day.

On a serious note giving into those emotions can lead to ruin. Okay, maybe I am being a bit dramatic but they definitely get you into trouble. I have to share what Curtis said to me this morning because it  resonates, “I believe that when we master our relationship with our emotions we will master our evolution.”

Back to my sister. She once convinced some people that she is a recovered heroin addict who sincerely wanted to start a daycare centre. She walked away with their phone numbers and their kids names! I love my sister but sometimes, just sometimes, she is gloriously, deliciously mad…and strangely enough that keeps me sane!

Elton John was right – sorry seems to be the hardest words. Now I am not a fan of his music but the man has a point. If we were actors or politicians life would be easier. We could say something completely rancid and get away with it – after making the necessary public apologies and shaking hands with the previously offended.

The philosopher Solon said “Put more trust in nobility of character than in an oath.” In other words don’t believe a damn thing people say! The biggest mistakes I ever made were when I ignored Solon’s advice. Now I pay attention to what people do or fail to do. Yes, I like to watch!

I am tired of people trying to be “good”. Hell, I have made good, bad and awful decisions. I have prejudices that I won’t apologize for. If I am to release myself of those prejudices I will do so on my own terms and when I am ready. There will be no handshaking going on anytime soon to appease others.

Call it Karma or the workings of the Universe, but we all get hurt and hurt others in turn.  Either way I don’t regret anything – especially not the “bad” decisions. They were my greatest teachers after all. The insights I gained I guard closely. They are “Tattooed across my heart….every letter bold and dark.”  Yes, Ben Harper sang that…in case you didn’t know

My daughter painted herself blue yesterday. When I asked her if she was inspired by the movie Avatar she replied, “Yes, but I fell asleep. It was a boring, long movie.” In other words it had nothing to do Avatar. She painted herself because she was bored. Man, I miss those days – when I did things for no good or bad reason but just for the experience!

I am only open to new experiences when it involves music, I realized. There is nothing better than working with a passionate musician and riding that energy…but that is where it stops! I hope, in time, to remedy that situation.  My daughter is a really cool kid and she reminds me (constantly) that I should have more fun. This is something I tend to forget. We all know there is nothing worse than someone who takes themselves too seriously.

Luckily the Universe/God/ (call her what you will) has other plans. She has no intention of allowing me to live in that little box. So she sends me people to ease me into new experiences. Through these friendships I have learnt to trust myself enough so I can be more spontaneous…to use the energy I reserve for my music and spread it out evenly in other parts of my life. I am convinced that I am here to master is the art of maintaining Balance. But dammit-all, it’s hard!

Yes, I need to have more fun but will do it in my own way. Hang out with friends, dance more and go back to Capoeira classes. I do not need to hang out in clubs or try to be seen. Dammit-all, I have a fantastic sister, a bar in my house and a cocktail book we need to work through!

The Greek philosopher Aeschylus once said “The reward of suffering is experience.” I could be fashionable and disagree with him but I won’t. I will simply add this – it’s what we do with our experiences that matters.

The last few months brought “suffering” of a different kind. Life slowed down so much I feared I would never set foot on another stage. Just as I was about to throw all my toys out of my proverbial cot and curse the gods I remembered something; humans being have cycles of their own and all I have to do is find the meaning behind mine.

When winter came for me I did what most people do. I resisted, argued or denied what was in front of me. I wasted all my time and energy on people and on my favorite pastime: watching tv series. In my case spending hours watching the tv show Community was a more pleasurable option. But after a while winter became so unbearable that I had to reach for more blankets and that required opening my eyes….

“Happiness is a choice that requires effort at times”. Aeschylus was right. It’s easy to be happy when all’s right in your world. “Stop this or I will come to Cape Town and smack you” said one of my friends. It took a while for me to stop feeling sorry for myself, to be honest, but when I did winter had stopped being something I feared. Yes! I finally found meaning in my “suffering” and in time was rewarded. During those cold months I found everything I needed: a new band, new producers and arrangers and two confidants.

What matters most is “what you do with what you feel.” My future husband Ben Harper said that…in case you were wondering…

I don’t like playing games or showing off. It might seem like fun but ego tripping, inevitably, bites you in the ass. Once, a silly boy told me he thought I had no personality because I did not respond to jokes or conversation the way he was accustomed too. Reciting names and facts do nothing for me. I guess I am just not interested in appearing smart.

Self worth is a tricky thing and when you have little of it your ego takes you on all kinds of unexpected detours. Most of my life I have always waited on others to step in because thought I wasn’t good enough. When I started off in music I felt that most keenly but had people to guide me. I always knew that my musical career was about more than simply singing a tune – it enabled me to find my own voice so I could say “Dammit-all I am good enough and can do this on my own terms.”

There is greater value in being honest with yourself  first – especially when you are scared and don’t know which way to turn. That is something I learnt a few years back. I cannot afford to play games with myself or be in denial. Luckily I have family and friends who won’t put up with my crap when I can’t find that honesty! So I don’t have to be piss drunk or falling to pieces before I can own up to my feelings or what needs to change in my life.

These people keep me grounded but even they get it wrong at times. I have a friend who is one of my most trusted advisers. But something tragic happened just the other day. I came to realize that I have outgrown the need for his advice. That was an epiphany I never thought I would have. Sometimes this dude has no idea what he is talking about and it’s time I said, “Hold up mister. You are wrong …”

Aristotle was right when he said “the ultimate value of life depends upon awareness and the power of contemplation….” I just have to learn to do something valuable with all that awareness and contemplation…

I don’t understand why porn movies have these bad movie titles. Like this one: Sharing is Caring at Camp Starfish or Monsters of Cock. I suppose the producers want you to know what you are getting yourself in for – no mess no fuss. Now forgive me for being prissy here but someone needs to have a chat with whoever’s in charge of naming these movies.

I like to think that most women like being eased into things…or maybe that’s just me.  Sexuality, the toe curling, it’s- so- bad-that’s-why-it-feels-good stuff, is a complex business. Most of the time women don’t know why they like what they like or what the real meaning behind their particular fetishes are. And society’s general lack of honesty, moralizing and double standards do not make it any easier either…

I am so tired of sex being viewed as something dirty and disgusting. On some level I do think that this disgust is reflected in those very same movie titles or the bad erotic stories you find in porn magazines. Have you ever read (or skimmed for those who won’t admit to anything) these works of “literature”? It’s sad and rather hilarious! Why can’t they hire talented writers or am I being unreasonable here? And you have to give credit where credit’s due. The porn industry can be very creative too. I laughed when I saw the porn version of Avatar!

Still why do we have to feel “dirty” and “bad” or dose ourselves with alcohol or even worse drugs to admit to our dark carnal cravings? Sex (to my thinking) is linked to emotions- repressed or not. To own your sexuality is a life time commitment and requires a great deal of honesty about who you are and what you need. And I would rather spend time getting to grips with that than sifting through dodgy porn and getting off on other people’s fantasies. Does this mean I will get rid of certain….toys? Well….I will get back to you on that one….

It’s hard to see people for who they are on even the best of days. Generally we tend to gravitate towards an extreme. They are either mangy tongue twisting bitches or angelic being who perch on God’s shoulder for fun. This kind of attitude always lands us in trouble. Inevitably people can only be this: flawed, imperfect and very human.

Why is it so hard to look at someone’s actions and say, “This is who I am dealing with now and there is very little I can do to change that?” Yet even in that moment of utter disappointment we take on a burden that is not ours to carry. They aren’t the ones who are wrong. We are. There has to be something wrong with us.  I have girlfriends who stay with abusive men for years. They can’t look at their men or themselves in the mirror for too long….

There’s just so much to consider when you interact with people. There’s conditioning, projections and unfulfilled expectations from both sides. At times who the person is gets lost in between all that crap. At other times we prefer to only see the best in people – even when they act like assholes. “I know they’re better than this,” we say to ourselves. And usually we are right – just not at that particular moment.

The ability to see someone for who they are takes time and often comes with a great turmoil. You can’t really know someone when life is sweet and things are good. Most of us don’t want to think about  the bad times or people’s deeper issues. We are too concerned with ourselves and getting what we need from them. That doesn’t make us bad either – just very human…

There are a few things I know with 100% certainly. People will surprise you. Life will surprise you. Having family and friends that really see you and love you in spite of it all – can and will get you through nearly anything..