Auriol Hays

Awareness through music

Archive for the 'Insanity' Category

Annie Wants a Baby

Even though we don’t mean too, claim we know better, evangelise the advances of technology and how it has propelled humanity into the galaxies and beyond, at the end of the day we are terribly, boringly human. Some of us never get past our conditioning.  We get up, live our day and at time don’t understand why we feel the way we do.

Yesterday was my sister’s birthday and she was miserable. “Why do I feel this way?” she asked.  A few years ago I realised that I unconsciously took on some of my father’s energy. The old man has a habit of hiding out from the world on his birthday. Doesn’t pick up calls, talk to anyone and generally is not a happy chappy.  As we grew older my sister and I started to mimic his behaviour.

When I made this connection, I decided to break the habit consciously. “The best birthday I had, “I explained “was when I was alone in my house. The sun was shining and I put on some good music and danced like a lunatic.” After all, if I am responsible for my own happiness, who will be?

Over the years I have questioned why I behave the way I do, where it stems from and tried to identify the triggers that set off certain behaviours. My friends say I over think and over analyse. I spent years not understanding why I feel the way I do. Some might call it mild depression. I prefer to think of it as a period of adjustment during which I gained insight into myself.  I made many life altering decisions then too – like being a musician.

Occasionally I worry about my sister. She can be rather fragile – even though she doesn’t appear to be so. I say occasionally because my sister can be fiercely protective and scary when she has too. She swore at a nurse and a judge in court once! All for perfectly good reasons, I assure you….She is stronger than she thinks. I just wish she could see that. I wish we could all see that when it matters.

posted by auriol in family,Insanity and have Comments Off

Mississippi Goddam

I need to laugh more. I spend way too much time thinking about music and worrying about people. I fear it has turned me into a killjoy and a bore. My daughter suffers from the same affliction but to a lesser degree. She only worries about her school work. “Chill out girlie. You can deal with this. When you get older there will be real things to worry about!” This does not help I have come to realize.

Maybe I should just hire a comedy or better yet go and see a comedy show. Just for a little balance and some fun. The fact that I am even debating how I should have fun is does not bode well. I wish I could just switch off the constant drone in my head….

I always end up doing the next best thing. I  stroll to my daughter’s room and hang out there. All it takes is a few minutes. Next thing you know she’s screaming, I’m screaming…we fall off the bed and inevitably she calls a halt to the merry procession with the following prophetic words, “Stop Mummy I’m going to pee!”

The only way to endure any troubling times is by having both feet firmly planted in the ground. Most of us live in our head. After all that is where Worry Central is located and we all visit her way too often. I have always been grounded by people. I love just hanging out with daughter, best friends or watching movies with the family. These small things create balance and keep me anchored. But I really should get to a comedy show and learn to bring more fun into my life. I fear my daughter is reaching that treacherous age and is getting sick of me. Maybe this is why she keeps insisting that we have another baby…or a dog..

posted by auriol in human nature,Insanity,on the wild side and have No Comments

Diamonds on the Inside

Sometimes I am convinced that my world is too small and that I am making it smaller by the day. I am full of crap when it comes to who I  spend my time with, the music I listen to, the food I eat and everything else in between.  My husbandis a big thinker. He loves  new ideas, gadgets, new music and anything and anyone who’s innovative and cutting edge. While I am simply trying to control what’s in front of me. In fact I will only expand myself when it involves creating music. This makes for every interesting conversation, monstrous arguments and great songwriting.

As I sat on the couch at 2 in the morning it hit me; music is my drug of choice. And if you think this is funny blog post you would be wrong. I am happiest when I am about to write music or perform. Virtually nothing comes close to it. So when I am not engaged in those things I tend to be very introspective, sullen and down right cranky. The husband  is constantly expanding his horizons. He wants to do this and try that. All I want to do is write music and sing. Do you see the problem?

I make no space for the possibility that happiness might exist outside of music. The only exception is my daughter but even  she notices that my head is littered with music. So I step back, delay or avoid music altogether and…become the most miserable person in the room! I do not laugh as easily or smile as much. I end up spending hours in my pajamas. There is no reason to wake up with a spring in my step…

I also wondered why I struggle to write happy songs. It’s not that I don’t feel it or that I am a sad person. There’s this switch in my brain, I realized. It says “you shouldn’t feel good for too long”. So I don’t revel in feeling good about myself anywhere except when I write music.  And because writing music is so intensive and laborious that feeling stays with me so much longer. All of the things that would make me a balanced person I sacrificed in the pursuit of music. My love of learning, Capoeira, writing, going out….all willingly offered to great gods of Music.

See the addiction and why I risk living in a small world?

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posted by auriol in Addiction,career,Insanity and have Comment (1)

Pandorum

A lof of people like to think they are crazy 24/7. Sadly, most of them are just not that interesting. But I do believe that every single person will experience a moment when real craziness sets in. I am talking about the no sleep, no dreams, lots of drama, no peace of mind coupled with crazy paranoia kinda crazy….

But first – a confession. After watching the movie Pandorum everything in my life finally makes sense. I am convinced that I have been suffering from Pandorum for the last month – just as those crew members did.

“Its symptoms and effects include severe paranoia, vivid hallucinations, and homicidal tendencies.” Okay, maybe I am being a bit dramatic here. My homicidal tendencies are firmly controlled – thank you very much. I am always killing off someone in a song somewhere. And I am glad to report that my body count has not increased that significantly…

So the last month of my life has been terrible. Let’s just say that the shit has hit the fan on a cosmic level. So much so that I can barely think of music or singing. I kept thinking “People have gone through worse things and lived”. “I must just get over this already.” These thoughts never help especially when your emotions are as crazy out of control as mine were.

The last month has taught me a great deal. It isn’t always possible to be nice or act dignified when your world is falling apart. Sometimes the crazy comes out no matter how much you want to keep it locked down and strapped in. Those are the times I wish I had someone who could shoot me in the damn neck with a sedative so I would be forced to sleep; forced to think straight and get some treatment for my Pandorum. But alas there are no doctors in town and we’ve run out of sedatives ages ago…

posted by auriol in Insanity and have No Comments