Rumi once said  ” Someone who does not run towards the allure of love walks a road where nothing lives.” I am sharing this in honour of my First Love.

                  I carried his name within me for so long. In my back pocket, under the pillows of my bed and in between the lines of unfinished poems…
We sat a lot, on couches, the floor, the grass, in between my father’s school books. We walked even more – from my house to his, the longest route possible, from the kitchen to the backyard, around people cooking, screaming, arguing. And there was something about   his voice…how it twisted itself around consonants and vowels. Delicately he  anchored them  so I could listen, understand.   We were our own planet and he was my first step into the confusing world of love.

I don’t remember how it ended or why but being loved by him taught me something I kept forgetting as I got older. Love is fueled by sharing. You open your mouth, your world, and pour the big, inconsequential and banal things out of your heart and into theirs.

Mind blowing sex can do strange things to a woman. My best friend (a psychotic atheist) once said that it can even make you believe in God! I like that idea because sex (just like everything else) changes and evolves over time. So just because you like orgies and threesomes in your 20’s might not mean that you will when you are 60. When you change on some profound level it affects everything else. When you have the freedom to say what you need and are with someone who feels the same way or is willing to “check it out” then consider yourself lucky, my friend. And sure you can have awesome sex with someone you don’t like or someone who is just a pain in the ass… and mad ass porno sex with a stranger is always an option but soon even that will loose its charm…because sexuality is linked to self worth. Well, that is my understanding anyway.

My other best friend thinks that the sex you read about (what I like to call monkey sex, baby making sex and I-think-I hear-music- now sex) is just a myth. And if you feel the need to add more categories please do…lol! He feels that way because on a subconscious level he does not believe that he is worthy of any of it. So every time he finds himself with a woman he freezes up. My advice was to him was that he should go the tantric route or find someone who can help him understand himself through sexuality. Some learn through books and psychics while others prefer…something more pleasurable….lol! And I am not going to knock it either because anything that allows you to understand yourself better is worth looking at…

The other thing that really gets me is this idea (amongst some of the new age people) that all we should be having in this age is sacred sex. Man, every bit of sex I have is sacred …even the dirty, bad bits….lol! This has everything to do with my understanding of myself and my needs. At the end of the day you have to be real about who you are. I don’t think we were placed on this planet to be boring asses who never take risks or are too scared to speak up or shout out…lol!

I am one jaded person. This is true about most things I realized but about love especially. Chick flicks are the last thing I would watch. Now I won’t go into the why’s of it all, but I will admit to one dirty little secret. When I am feeling sorry for myself I watch shamelessly romantic movies in the dark by myself… with my cat. Sometimes (even though I watched the movie already) I even cry when that heart breaking scene comes! And just as I was about to reach for one of those damn addictive movies I stopped and asked myself, “Auriol, why are you doing this to yourself?”

One of my favorite writers said it best…it’s not that we are unhappy but for some the yearning for more is ever present. It’s that desire for something other, more wondrous…bigger…miraculous. It’s that ache in the pit of your stomach…that need for “it” that keeps you awake…. keeps you from settling down and just being well, satisfied.

Sure it would be great if… life had fewer shades of gray than it does…
If we could see past our own bullshit insecurities…..If… falling in love were harder…staying in love easier. But it doesn’t work that way. So when I settled down to watch that damn DVD it suddenly struck me. I watch those sloppy romantic movies because deep down….I want to recover my own sense of wonder not only about love but people…And when I can’t get it through my music or normal channels I watch a romantic movie, sob quietly and fall asleep with my cat Gandofini

Love …desire … sex…intimacy. We are all guilty of loving too much.. too little…or too late. Around every corner I hear whisperings of “the way things should be” when it comes to love and relationships. Lines are drawn in the sand…this is the way you should act here and that is what you should do over there. And those who do cross lines are considered bitches/whores or worst yet liars. “No, it is not possible to feel that.” “What you are feeling is wrong….inappropriate.” I have always thought that our ideas about love are at best limited and sometimes just down right silly.

People want their lives and relationships to be simple and easy. Hell, my life is littered with…“things that should not happen” and “how could I be so stupid”. I made peace with the idea that I would be pounced by the bizarre and unexpected a long time ago. Life on my side is never dull…So I do accept the idea that you could love two people with great intensity in two completely different ways….or the ability to love earnestly when it is never reciprocated…or the sheer joy that comes with loving recklessly. I embrace them and putting them to music is my final act..

I always thought that the greatest risk you take happens when you are too sure of what you are doing…Anyway I was reading Before I forget on the plane ride back to CT and was struck by a few words on page 43. The characters spoke of the darkness of love…and how by delving into it we learn more about ourselves and our capacity to love. In fact our ability to really love is what ultimately determined whether we are free or not. As I look back on all the utterly stupid acts I committed all in the name of love…at least I am assured that I can still love… and that’s something I never want to forget.

After being on the planet for a while now, I am convinced that I know absolutely nothing about love. I can’t say that there have been any good role models around to demonstrate what love is either. Sometimes I think that I am who I am… as a result of who the people in my life weren’t. I think this is true for most people. It’s this disillusionment that’s the real reason why I hate stupid movies and songs about love. I ignore them all because there is only one thing I am sure of and that is that love is bladdy hard work.

I am no teenager…I don’t expect butterflies or roses…lol! In fact over the years my expectations have decreased significantly. Now I look at love the way I would any other thing….with a certain degree of logic. You work at it and it pays off or it doesn’t. You reassess…do the sums and then take action. There is no magic formula there at all. And when I write a song about love I try to give an honest account of what’s going on because anyone who has ever been in love will tell you that love is a dirty business. I, like many other people, have said and done terrible things…all in the name of love.

So now that I am older I wonder a lot about love a lot more. I ask myself whether I am teaching my daughter anything useful through my actions. I, personally, have always thought my parents were lunatics. They are the typical couple who should never have married in the first place. They bitch and moan all the time…and then drag us into their fights. Life, over there, was always a bit too exciting for my liking…lol! And the only valuable thing they taught me is what love isn’t…and for that I am grateful…

For me love is so many things, and different elements can be found within different people. They all bring separate elements of self love to you. That I think is the ultimate gift…and also the reason why love can at time be so overwhelming…Well, this is what I’ve heard…

I hate waking up late…..I am always reminded of something my father said about sleeping away my life and missing out on everything. Yes, I am a morning and a very late at night person. Afternoons suck…I prefer to sleep then. So when I wake up late it kinda throws my day off a bit…..but hey, you gotta work with what you have….I think I feel this way because I am not taking proper care of myself. So now I look and feel terrible. I think that we get so caught up in the everyday-ness of life that we forget the really important stuff….like showing people that you love them……I show my afection for my husband by writing songs for him. Yesterday I wrote him a song called “Good enough”. Here are some of the words…..

you’re so beautiful in all your imperfections

you’re so beautiful to me

I  love that you never do what’s expected of you yes it keeps me surprised

all I ever wanted was someone to see me not for who I am but for who I could be

Coz in your imperfections I see that you really love me only the way you could//and for me that’s good enough
That’s another thing I had to get over….my husband was never going to be anything but what he is. I had to learn to accept that.  Sometimes it really pisses me off….the idea that he won’t change or just refuses to…but what can I do but love the stupid man? I think I was conditioned to think that men should act a certain way….and my father most certainly did not help the situation. It is a relief seeing people for who they are….suddenly you notice things that really do set them apart from other people. And that I think is their gift to you….all you have to do is take the time to uncover it…..because some people hide who they are…. or are not aware of themselves…

I always wanted people to like me. So I would be real nice and help out wherever I could – even if I really didn’t want to. Needless to say I do not do that anymore. Hell, I don’t need anyone to like me….I am okay just as I am….a bit grumpy when I wake up late…..anxious when I have to cook…..relaxed when I sing…and down right terrible when I have to spring clean the house without good music…..lol!

I will admit that I have visited a hypnotist. Now let me be blunt….it works. Here’s the thing I visited a nice lady in Cape Town and after my session… like a fool, booked a session for my hubbie to see her. I wanted him to stop smoking. Only problem is that he loves to smoke. Yesterday we had an argument about smoking. He said, “I will not die or get sick from smoking. It’s all just a conspiracy!” I almost had a fit in that car, I tell you. But he had a point….what he was telling me in no uncertain terms is that he is creating his own reality….a reality that allows him to smoke and not get sick. Okay, I can hear some people saying, “Oh that is just crazy! Everyone knows that smoking causes cancer!” Still, if his belief is that it won’t…and it is not just a weird form of denial…then he won’t get sick from smoking. Still, it annoys us when he smokes in the car. He does not care about second hand smoking…Funnily enough he only stopped smoking in his car when he has it cleaned…lol!

I downloaded a hypnosis track from the net. Now I find that this helps me more. Imagine just how much cash I would have to spend to see a hynotherapist every time. I find that it relaxes me….as I work and before I got to sleep. And before I had that MP3, I listened to relaxing music so that I could think more clearly. But I think I will stop harassing that man of mine…well at least for now