Auriol Hays

Awareness through music

Archive for the 'on the wild side' Category

Wolves

Throughout my career I have been called many names. I didn’t bat an eyelid when a Russian cage fighter called me Princess, although I was flattered for a second or two. But when I was called “A woman of romance and mystery” I was taken aback. Me? Mysterious? How? I wouldn’t know how to be mysterious. Often my blatant honesty and candor lands me in serious trouble…

Lately I have been toying with the idea of the Mysterious femme fatale, luring her away from my music and into my bedroom, kitchen, hell even the supermarket! But where to start? Do I have to abandon my beloved blue beanie and rasta jacket and don a dress, black stockings and heels? Should I step away from my tv series and watch programs of a more elevated nature? Should I twist and tweak my sexual fantasies, feign interest in politics and become an overnight pundit …so I could run circles around men? So that with every breath I take I  become a Siren who whispers, so seductively, so alluringly “Here I am…take me if you dare..”

Goodness, that really does sound tempting! And I might incorporate that into some..uhm..fantasy..or song somewhere along the way. However, I am not interested in running circles around anyone. A shocking thing for a Scorpio female to confess, I know! Often it takes a big old smack from the Universe to get you to settle into your skin. But once  all the Oscar winning performances have been delivered and all the small battles waged – then and only then can you find a measure of peace .

I have learnt to appreciate all the guises and roles I have played over the years. There is great value to be had in being a femme fatale or a even a Florence Nightingale. Many years ago one of my mentors said, “Auriol, you will have to adopt a way of being to suit a particular circumstance…just as you would remove a coat when it is hot, you have to appreciate that there are many different facets to your personality that you will have to employ..”

I am a volatile musician I confess, but I have learnt to temper, tone down and tame that energy so I can reassure my daughter when she is anxious, deal with clients and not kill someone while in traffic. But that same volatility is  great on stage. Understanding the use of masks or personas is not new. The problem arises when an individual believes that the persona defines them. “I am a breadwinner and therefore should act like this…and you should behave that way…”  Being stuck in a role is limiting and eventually we all reach a point in our lives when games are no longer of any interest, where roles no longer define us.

This new found and hard earned peace is reflected in the music I am writing. It reeks of hope, redemption, peace and above all Love. The music is bolder, livelier - not anchored by sadness or regret. I no longer struggle to remove my coat on a hot day.I toy with all these personas, allow them to infuse and invigorate -and after they have served their purpose I gently place them back in my cupboard.

You might have seen me around….I am that lady in the traffic who bobs her head and sings badly, who cries ever so softly when reading a book on a plane, that mysterious femm fatale who leaves your mind reeling as you lie naked in her bed, that complicated woman who reads poetry and eats ice cream on a rainy day and laughs loudly when kids are around. I am all those… and dammit, I  am unafraid. Are you?

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White Lies for Dark Times

Fringe is one of my favorite TV shows.  While I love the intriguing storyline  it did remind me of a distressing adage: truth is stranger than fiction. It all started with a strange link my husband sent me involving the reptilians, mind control and the Global Elite’s plans for world enslavement.  Being married to this man has always been a very interesting experience…

I decided to do a bit of digging on my own and I  read extensively about Project Paperclip (that allowed Nazi scientists to work for covert American intelligence agencies), the numerous human experiments sanctioned by the CIA and the MK ULTRA cults that exposed children to systematic ritualized sexual abuse so that they could gain an intimate understanding of the limits of the human mind.

I would like to think that the bad old days are behind us. That people with money are more ethical and enlightened. But greed and a need to remain in control does alter one’s perception of morality.  We have our very own Wouter Basson who the government for some reason could not only prosecute but also couldn’t get any information out of either.  Yes, he is probably parking off at home watching rugby and greeting his black neighbors who he would have experimented on a few years ago….

Aside from being appalled by all these articles, I was left wondering about my own moral ambiguity. I think that we are all tested in small and big ways  and we are meant to fail some of them. I am more empathic of others because of my shortcoming and failures.  I don’t excuse questionable choices made my friends or even raise my eyebrow in disapproval – I am more interested in the thought processes that lead to their actions.  Anyway, the sad truth is that morality has always in a state of flux. That state of flux being determined by people in power.

When my daughter was about 3 or 4 I created 10 imaginary people for her. Every Friday night I would become any of those characters she requested. Some were downright dodgy! Then I would create a scenario to see if she knew the difference between right and wrong and surprisingly she did – every time.  Now that she is older I pose different questions where the answers are not as clear cut as she would like. She rolls her eyes every time she feels a “lecture” coming on but she lets me sit on her bed and talk nevertheless.

While I share what she can digest I am reminded of two things: the endurance of the human spirit and that sly little bitch known as Karma. Every action has a consequence that will find you no matter how hard you try to run. Even Wouter will get what’s coming to him…

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Mississippi Goddam

I need to laugh more. I spend way too much time thinking about music and worrying about people. I fear it has turned me into a killjoy and a bore. My daughter suffers from the same affliction but to a lesser degree. She only worries about her school work. “Chill out girlie. You can deal with this. When you get older there will be real things to worry about!” This does not help I have come to realize.

Maybe I should just hire a comedy or better yet go and see a comedy show. Just for a little balance and some fun. The fact that I am even debating how I should have fun is does not bode well. I wish I could just switch off the constant drone in my head….

I always end up doing the next best thing. I  stroll to my daughter’s room and hang out there. All it takes is a few minutes. Next thing you know she’s screaming, I’m screaming…we fall off the bed and inevitably she calls a halt to the merry procession with the following prophetic words, “Stop Mummy I’m going to pee!”

The only way to endure any troubling times is by having both feet firmly planted in the ground. Most of us live in our head. After all that is where Worry Central is located and we all visit her way too often. I have always been grounded by people. I love just hanging out with daughter, best friends or watching movies with the family. These small things create balance and keep me anchored. But I really should get to a comedy show and learn to bring more fun into my life. I fear my daughter is reaching that treacherous age and is getting sick of me. Maybe this is why she keeps insisting that we have another baby…or a dog..

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She’s Only Happy in the Sun

I have been a little obsessed with Ben Harper lately. Most of the time I do not listen to music. I prefer writing music or just singing badly when I am alone, but when I do listen it usually means that something is going down. Each  emotional cycle comes with its own soundtrack.  My undying love for Radiohead had a lot to do with unfulfilled expectations. Now some would argue that their music is depressing and I can’t say I really care. To each one his own, right? But this Ben Harper phase has nothing to do with the fact that he is that good looking. Promise. I listen to his music and it always leaves me feeling strangely comforted.

When I have really bad days and am without music, I listen to Ben and it reminds me that there is a time for everything. There’s a time to be on stage and a time to be aggravated by my daughter and driven insane by my husband. This has been a hard because on bad days it’s music that I crave more than anything. As you can see I am struggling with balance…

The one thing I have realized is that I don’t want a life filled with music. I want my life to feel like music. I remember a vivid dream I had a while back. I will spare you the esoteric mumbo jumbo – but will say this. In the dream I saw how music affects people.  It was beyond extra sensory. I got to touch it, feel it coursing through my very being. It was an ineffable experience and simply knowing that drives everything when it comes to music. Sure, I write the odd meaningless song  but then there are those songs that feel wonderful as you write it and even better when you sing it…

My mister gets upset with me because I forget basics like cooking at times. My head is filled with music and it can crowd out everything else. Thanks to the Food Network I have discovered that I can get excited and passionate about food as well. This has  made life a lot easier. Trust me, I would get a headache just thinking about what I needed to cook! I doubt that I will ever feel passionate about cleaning though! I am not that mental.
So I watch a Ben Harper clip when he is in rehearsals  and am reminded – I have time..
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Don’t Smoke in Bed

I always tell my single friends to wear good panties “because you just never know when something interesting might happen”. I am not advocating promiscuity by the way. If you are lonely and in need of a good ole rogering – good panties just make sense…lol!

There are certain things you can logically anticipate. Other things will catch you unaware no matter what! I think it’s vital that we accept that for our own sanity. Here’s another thing to consider. No one can be aware 24/7. It is just not possible. Desirable – sure. Possible – not always…

Honestly, I can’t be nice or take the high road all the time. No one can unless they are prepared to visit a psych ward.  Someone once told me, “You are an entertainer. People don’t want to see someone who is moping or anti-social.” My first reaction was, “You have no idea of what it means to be human. There’s a time for everything.”

I get that people loose interest easily.Musicians are being packaged and produced every second. Fans want access to “their” musicians and real contact if possible. But what happened to accepting people’s humanity in between all this mess?

There is just so much pressure to “live the life of your dreams”. Sometimes we forget that there is something bigger at work than ourselves.  When you forget that  – the “should do this” or “must act like that” comes into play.

Crap (kak) man – just be yourself and wear good panties. After all, you just never know what could happen!

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Inception

“Stop pestering me for new episodes of True Blood! There are more important things to worry about” says the husband. It’s at moments like this that I wonder, “Does this man truly understand me?” LOL! Of course there are better things to worry about. Poverty, war,  the looming oil crisis, our bills that need to get paid – yes, all the really good stuff. Now don’t get me wrong I do worry about those things – but just not in my free time! And if you know me you would know that I love a good movie or tv series…

Last week I finally got the chance to watch INCEPTION. My sister’s mind was buzzing all over the place as we stepped out of the cinema.  There are many theories going around about the meaning of the movie.  I prefer the theory put forward by Devin Faracio on Chud.com . The idea that the movie itself is one collective dream that we are all sharing.

Now, I love my dreams! Most of the time I don’t remember them but every now and then I have a dream that changes the way I think about everything. It changes everything because the idea itself seems so crazy. Like the one I had about being a musician years ago. I reckon that’s why I am going to buy this movie as soon as it’s out on DVD, because DeCaprio’s character was right when he said, “A single idea from the human mind can build cities. An idea can transform the world and rewrite all the rules.” It has for me…

Just this morning I woke up from a dream and said, “Shit, I hate visiting that place” Yes, I need to think about that dream or if all else fails call up my best friend who seems to know my mind better than I do at times…lol!

I could also relate when DeCaprio’s character said,” I can access your mind through your dreams.” Like I said I am going with the theory that he is dreaming throughout the entire movie. Each character is a projection of his mind. And so he learns the nature of his mind through his dreams…That movie, like this life, is the ultimate dream within a dream, within a dream…

Years ago after watching THE MATRIX, some guy ahead of me said, “What if this life we are living is not real?” I just shook my head and thought, “Of course it’s not real you fool! We are just dreaming it up as we go along” Yes, I was very tolerant all those years ago…lol!

This is why I love movies. Simply because the things we watch, just like our dreams, can give us clues to what’s going on in our mind…

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Remembering

Crazy thoughts pop into my head a lot. I have learnt to deal with it in two ways; by talking to people I trust – dead and alive. It all started when I joined a coven and decided to give paganism a go. If you must know I had an alter, a white robe, lit incense and invoked deities. Still, I only really learnt the value of rituals and how to connect so some higher power when I left those crazy weed smoking pagans…lol!

Years later I ditched the alter, gave away my robe and donated many of the books to a library but my love for rituals stayed. Every morning I walk around my garden and have conference calls with my “people upstairs”. Some might call this crazy and I really don’t care. All I know is that by the time I am done all the craziness I felt is gone and I can think clearly.

I don’t call myself a pagan or attach any kind of label to my spiritually. This caused great confusion for my daughter when she was asked to prepare an oral on religion few years ago. I was honest and gave her my take. This was her response, “Mummy that’s real interesting and makes sense but no one will get it. And I will get a bad mark.” She went to my mother-in-law instead…

Every now and then (especially when I am very stressed out) I will light some candles and incense. Hey, a bit of atmosphere never killed anyone! When I was still a pagan my cats would enter my circle and purr as I did my thing. They have also decided to join me on my early morning walks. Perhaps they have discovered the correlation between the walks and better tasting cat food. lol!

My life is a relatively peaceful one and I have a lot to be grateful for. Every now and then I pop into a plane and sing somewhere. But it’s the family (cats included) and friends that makes everything slot into place perfectly. I think we all need people (dead and alive!) who give great advice, allow you to be yourself and tell you when you are being a bitch. The rest of the planet can go to hell…

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Jungle Boogie

A girl came in for a make-over. She looked fantastic! The only thing I wanted to know was, “Is that her real hair?” And yes, the tv producer shot me a strange look when I asked. See, most Colored people (especially those from CT) are very “particular” when it comes to their hair…

I once sat in the hairdresser for 6 hours! Yes, I looked fantastic when I strutted out – eventually – but I vowed to never do that again. In JHB people have no qualms with wearing weaves but if you are wearing one in CT you are most certainly not going to admit it publicly…lol!

It has a lot to do with Apartheid. If you were lighter and your hair straighter –you were more sought after – even if you were a skank with no class! This, years after democracy, is still true all over CT. Now I don’t have an issue with ladies wearing weaves. If it makes you happy then just do it! I do worry when I see a two year old screaming her head off because she is getting braids implanted or when their scalps are being burned with relaxer.

Sure, in a perfect world we would all be okay with the way we look, but this is not a perfect world and we all have issues. The media does not make it easier either. Just think of the ladies and men in porn movies, for heaven’s sake! Most of us don’t look or act like that! LOL!

There is no point spouting things like, “love yourself as you are” – again nice concept but let’s get real here. Most of us can’t do that. It’s just too damn hard. So I opt for the next best thing; we should find a balance wherever and however we can. Wear a weave or go to bed with your GHD…whatever works for you, works for you. Look, I thought I knew a thing or two about the world yet it took me years to finally accept and embrace my big boobs… lol!

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The Fourth Kind

I remember watching The Exorcist with my mother (during the afternoon) and being scared shitless. Of course she did not explain a single thing to me after watching the movie. I also don’t think I slept very well that night either. And so it started…my deeply passionate love affair with the supernatural. Many years later and a brief stint in a witch’s coven only intensified that feeling of excited curiosity.

There are questions that I still don’t have answers to… For example how do the Muslim community deal with things that go bump in the night? What rituals are involved? Don’t even get me started on the Tokoloshe stories I heard from some of my friends….

Having just watched The Fourth Kind I am left with a “hmm” feeling. I remember a friend in high school once telling me that there are no aliens. It’s just the devil messing with you! I taught my daughter that there is no devil – just the power of collective belief. And that collective belief houses all our fears that gets mirrored back to us.

I love teasing her by saying, “Come – watch a horror movie with me.” I know she will run to her bed immediately…but I knew she was ready to watch The Craft a few days ago. Sure she a little scared but I turned down the music just a bit. The next day we talked about paganism and spells. And she got what I was talking about. Although she is getting sick of my “lectures” she says…lol!

The movie The Fourth Kind ends with the words “In the end what you believe is up to you.” I think I will tell my daughter that but I am certain she will find a way to turn that against me somehow…

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Time is Running Out

Many people don’t believe in past lives. “I’ve already got enough problems in this life. I don’t need to add to it by looking into the past.” Luckily I am not one of those – I believe. Yes, I was a singer in many other lives. I was also a German general killed by his double crossing soldiers and an introverted girl living in a Greek village.

I really am not here to convince anyone of anything. Make up your mind and get on with your life is what I say. But this is what got me thinking….When I first thought about singing I wondered why certain songs felt so familiar. I was not part of a musical family and hardly heard jazz music growing up. It was Jim Reeves and Roger Whittaker all the way baby! But the minute I heard those jazz melodies – something somewhere switched on. And that’s why I am a singer today. It all started with an itsy-bitsy feeling that I couldn’t shake.

The past life in Greece with my sister was amazing. When I asked why recalled that life now the answer given to me was,”So that you can remember what love it feels like to be loved. ” Damn, I sobbed like a baby! That past life recall came at a time when I felt utterly and completely unloved.

I listen to one particular radio show and shoo….the ideas and theories are really way out there. Sometimes I am a bit shocked! But I listen regardless – just in case I get that itsy- bitsy feeling that says, “Take a deeper look”. I think we all become a bit poorer in spirit when we stop being curious…

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