I like to think I am not crazy. Still every now and then I find myself having conversations with people who are not there. I am not talking about dead people.  Everyone knows it’s perfectly natural to talk to dead people…lol! A friend of mine still has mental conversations with his ex girlfriend who he hasn’t seen in 7 years. What makes the situation hilarious is that she hates his guts. While another friend carries around the ghost of his very dead ex girlfriend. He hasn’t been happy since then because she is alive and kicking in his mind. This really got me to wondering just why we carry people around with us and what the implications are

I once asked a trusted friend how one can get rid of those ghosts or voices. It is especially hard if you didn’t get to resolve a situation in a satisfactory way.  Being a proactive kind of girl I thought that it would entail some form of action. Perhaps tracking that person down and saying what needed to be said or sending a snotty email…lol! He looked at me and simply said, “Auriol, being resolved about something is never about what you do but rather about how you think.” Finally the light bulb went off. I don’t have to serve an eviction notice to those voices; I just have to relocate them to a smaller apartment in my head…

I always thought I was a very balanced normal individual but then I took a very close look at my friends. The one thing I noticed is that they are all rather extreme. Why, I wondered, did I choose to be surrounded by such lunatics? Then I wondered just why my songs are always a bit darker. Love suck and life is kak seems to be the message I was spreading. Then it hit me – I have these mad friends because I am just as extreme. I just hide it a bit better. In fact these friends (just by being themselves) have saved me from doing some pretty stupid things…

More than anything I desire balance. I search for it through my music and by observing my band of lunatics I get to decide just what that balance would feel like. It is so easy to point and blame, to be bitter, jaded and lie to yourself. It really takes no amount of skill – but learning to be measured in your thinking and actions is another story altogether…

Today I feel like the Grinch and instead of driving my neighbors crazy and stealing their stuff I think I will stay in my house until it wears off. I am having one of those days where I doubt just about everything. And just to let you know how out of sorts I am feeling…I can’t even decide what food to give my cats…lol! A while back someone once told me that doubt stops you from becoming complacent; it keeps you on your toes. On days like today I wonder if there is any truth to that…

I will be honest and say that bright and breezy people annoy me. I look at them and the following questions comes to mind….Are they on something? Do they know something I don’t? Are they in denial about the super kakness of their lives and can only cope by putting on a smiley face? Or are they just plain stupid? And what is really sad is that all those questions tell me is how I really feel about myself. They are clues that tell me how I perceive things and people. What I can say without any doubt is that lately my perception has been off. That has been the bane of my existence so far… if my perception is off…how I view events and people will be off…and what I consider truth could be wrong…and all the actions I took as a result of that truth are…off. And that, my friends, leads to more doubt and is the reason why I will be staying in my bed with a book today.

I need to find clarity …so Muse, Radiohead or any blues music is out of the question. No weed, alcohol or chocolates either. I think I will call up my sister instead, put on my serious depressing voice and listen to all her crazy drama until this passes.

Today I was wondering about this….just how do we reward ourselves for good behavior. Sure everyone gets up and goes to work (no matter if they hate it, they still do it), comes home and watches TV. This is the way I look at it….life is short…..if you have to do something you hate (as a job for now) you might as well reward yourself every now and then….that way you don’t get burnt out or feel like strangling someone every two seconds.

Yes, sometimes I think we all are way too serious…..we take our jobs so seriously; we take on other people’s issues as though they are our own and our love lives are filled with one crisis after the other. Where’s the joy? When’s the last time you just ha some fun? Went out to see a comedian……tried being a comedian….saw a really good show…went to a park and tried all the rides? And I don’t always get it right either. My fun tends to be my music……..and that’s why my daughter is so amazing…..she reminds me (all kids do) that you gotta have FUN while you’re still alive.

I think I would be seriously depressed if I spent most of my life obsessing and worrying…..being consumed with my insecurities and perceived inadequacies. It is a fact that worrying gets you nowhere and just makes you feel worst about any situation. I prefer to be aware of a situation and not allow it to take over every bit of my time….although that is not always easy. And appreciation for the present time and place I’m in helps me to focus on what’s good in my life instead of letting the worry overwhelm me. And when I can….I buy make up….

SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT

“When you worry, you set off a negative energy pattern. What is worse is that you do not realize that when you worry about another, about their welfare that you also stop the flow of energy for them. Yes you do! You create a block which if not removed can stop another person from experiencing their life lessons. If a person that you know, say your son or daughter, friend or whomever it may be, has good karma and is on the Earth plane, to experience wonderful things in life. By worrying about them, you can actually stop that from happening. Think about that, think of the times each day you worry about other people. What is worse, is that all that energy spent on worrying about others, takes energy away from yourself. You not only can stop others from using their energy, but you also stop your own flow. Every soul is meant to have abundance in their life. Yet so many of you stop the flow of that abundance on all levels, by worrying about things which often never happen. It is difficult to stop worrying. It takes discipline to stop the flow of negative thought, but it can be done. It can be done by affirmation, and it can be done by being aware of your thought pattern.