Auriol Hays

Awareness through music

Selling my soul…

When I small I really wanted this toy. Now I don’t even remember what kind of toy it was…all that I do remember is that aching, knowing feeling inside. I kept thinking that if I didn’t get this toy I was just gonna die! Now I thought that I was a grown ass adult. I thought that I had outgrown all my childish impulses….until a few days ago… when I came face to face with something I craved. And it was insane…I could literally think of nothing else beside this thing I wanted. I did nothing but sit and obsess for a few days

Naturally I did not get the thing I thought I wanted more than anything in the entire world….and seeing that I didn’t die… I did the next best thing…I cried for a while….

A few days have passed and I now have to ask myself just what the hell was going through my mind. Why was I so determined to get it? Why was I so obsessed that at times I literally felt sick? It actually only comes down to one thing…expectation. In the past I was so scared to ever really want anything (because honestly I never got it) that I stopped wanting anything that badly. I stopped begging my parents for things….Right now I won’t ask my husband for anything…even if I really need it….even if we have the money. I won’t ask. And when do I feel cheap….like I just sold my soul to Satan. I know what the “spiritual” people out there say… you should not expect… you should know. Knowing means having absolute faith that what you need will come to you. Expectation is another thing altogether….I would equate it to a wishing game. So, I didn’t get what I really wanted. I must believe that I didn’t get it for a reason. You know what they say about one door opening and another closing. This is what I hate about myself. I over think everything. A piece of chocolate is never just a piece of chocolate to me. And honestly that ruins everything….

posted by auriol in desire and have No Comments

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