There was a time when I felt a keen affinity to her but this last year has taught me a great deal about who I am and what I am capable of. Some of it commendable and some of it (to be honest) not so good. I saw how anger can cloud one’s thinking and how important it is to not loose your s**t in the midst of it. Yes, yes…. People come into your life and through their actions you are taught all kinds of lessons. Again, some of it good and a lot of it bad, especially when you have to learn some greater truth about yourself.

My shaman always tells me, “Auriol, rise above your past and the hurts your have endured.” Then she gives me all kinds of exercises I can do to ease my way through it all. This is good advice and will keep you sane if you can adhere to it. But let’s be honest here – human beings, when they are deeply hurt seldom do that. We lash out, say things or become selectively blind. It is always “their fault”. It is easier thinking someone else is to blame than face the fact that you were wrong, lied, betrayed another or were a real bitch.

Still, who wants to admit to that? It is so much easier being thought of as a victim or blaming your behaviour on something or someone else. We’ve all heard the saying, “Karma is a bitch”. In short that is the belief, and sometime it is mistaken as some people never get it, that people will feel the consequences of their actions in due time…and with the necessary punishment. I have had my ass handed to be on numerous occasions by that lovely lady named Karma. In case you are wondering I learnt a great deal from it…and those mistakes will never be repeated.

Back to Felicity and her Ben. I was raised by a cold, aloof father and attracted similar men into my life. I always wanted to help them, encourage them, save them in some twisted way. As I watched the show I realized that I am tired of the Ben’s of the world. I have outgrown the need to coax people out of their shell…and honestly sometimes you have to be a bitch! Being honest about what you need was never going to be easy or even liked by all.

Most people are weak, fallible and fall prey to their baser natures. We have all experienced that. I learnt what I needed to when it happened to me and picked myself up. As  a result have high standards not only for myself but for everyone in my life. In short, I will not be pushed around. I do have a great amount of empathy….but empathy should only be stretched so far.

I don’t know if  Felicity ended up with Ben and frankly I don’t care. I have deleted the series and similarly will rid myself of those false notions. I told a friend recently (and perhaps this sounds cold), “Only see the best in people when it is shown to you.”  Felicity, if you are reading this – get a life and stop trying to please everyone. Ben, wherever you are – get a life, be a man and grow up!

I was transported back to our first home inWoodstock. There was something about that looming flat mountain, the swirling clouds rushing towards us and birds…the bladdy birds. The two of us would sit and watch in fascination as they navigated their way through the turbulent skies. We would do that for hours at a time. Just the two of us and those bladdy birds. While in the pool I was reminded of them and a thought struck me.  All of nature exists in a state of perfect grace. There is no struggle to be, no fighting again. It is perfect, without fault and everything is as it should be.

After sharing a perfect day with my daughter I looked into my own life and the chaos I created. There are days when I have no grace, I realized. When I allow anger and ego to rule. That’s when all the colorful swear words escape and phrases  such as revenge, payback and “kill that bitch” creep into my mind. It’s not always to escape my Scorpio energy…

I know that life will throw things at me, and that I won’t always be  graceful about it. There will be days when anger and grief gets the better of me, when I cannot get out of bed and have no faith in myself or those around me.  I also know, and this is especially important, that those days will pass. It has taken a long time for me to accept that I, just like everyone around me, am only human. People cannot give what they do not have. All I can do remain grounded and love as best and hard as I can….and write a song about all the times I failed!

My daughter, I realized, is a reminder of that grace. She isn’t perfect, trust me. She is volatile, opinionated and proud…but her heart is as big and open as the perfect blue sky. My day ended with the two of us lying on a couch, watching tv and talking crap. She shared all the Days-Of-Our-Lives drama at her school while I just laughed and offered my 34 cents, when asked. I then shared some insights in my life – about people and music. “Just stop talking about Ben Harper Mummy!” I wanted to point out that I only did that to annoy her – but opted not too. Teasing her is just way too much fun!

“Like any other gift, the gift of grace can be yours only if you’ll reach out and take it. Maybe being able to reach out and take it is a gift too.”

As I listened to James Vincent McMorrow an unexpected thing happened. The anger was replaced by even scarier emotions: disappointment, pain and sadness. As I looked back into my past I saw how my own actions and thinking contributed to the mess I was in. Pointing fingers only helps for a little while.  And as James whispered into my ears…I cried. In fact the proper term would be howled. I never thought I would hear that sound emerge from so deep within me. Finally I got to say and feel what I needed too – if only to myself. I am so glad my daughter was asleep when that happened.

I know of so many people who let anger rule their lives. I grew up with an angry parent. In the end they hurt themselves more than anyone they happen to come into contact with. So even though I initially turned up my nose when Jen suggested all these exercise to deal with my anger, I am glad I didn’t ignore her. I just had to spend a good few hours crying and writing music after the anger left me to regain my balance.

Does that mean that my toaster isn’t in danger of being terribly sworn at in the near future? Probably not…

                  I carried his name within me for so long. In my back pocket, under the pillows of my bed and in between the lines of unfinished poems…
We sat a lot, on couches, the floor, the grass, in between my father’s school books. We walked even more – from my house to his, the longest route possible, from the kitchen to the backyard, around people cooking, screaming, arguing. And there was something about   his voice…how it twisted itself around consonants and vowels. Delicately he  anchored them  so I could listen, understand.   We were our own planet and he was my first step into the confusing world of love.

I don’t remember how it ended or why but being loved by him taught me something I kept forgetting as I got older. Love is fueled by sharing. You open your mouth, your world, and pour the big, inconsequential and banal things out of your heart and into theirs.

Instead of thinking of future albums I wondered about my life. If it had an overarching theme or concept and if I was living up to it or not.  For so long I lived my life by default. For the last three years I felt like I was living in purgatory of sorts. Weeks would go by in a blur and I could neither control nor understand why that was. So it is rather fitting that my new album is called Anima Sola…

Music changed all that and brought greater focus to my life. Even during those times when my life felt like it was going to hell, music always kept me sane. That’s another thing I learnt. When one is in a troubling spot it is best to remain focused on what gives strength. “You are so strong” a friend once said. Strong, me? I think not. At best I never show what I feel and somehow that gets interpreted as strength. If only she knew how many times I felt overwhelmed, lonely or scared. And that’s when it struck me. I have to learn to manage my emotions and communicate that in a balanced way to those nearest to me. And that is always an easy thing to do through music. Well, easier…take away the music and I am a mess.

In light of that epiphany I have decided to do something drastic.  I will audit myself so I know where and why failed.  And that means being brutally honest – not a pleasant experience. Then I will discuss my finding with my group of advisers (very good friends) and listen to their independent take on the matter. I don’t want to be burdened by sadness or nostalgia anymore. This purgatory business is boring me and it really is time for a change…

I always thought that every single person comes into this life equipped with everything they need to live a rewarding life. Granted some people struggle harder than most finding their talent…but once it is uncovered it changes the course of their lives and everyone they touch. Be it singing, cooking or flower decoration. We are all graced equally. In case you are wondering I am not drunk or under the influence of a religious cult. Well, I am not that drunk yet ….

Everyone knows how much I love Ben Harper’s music. I do get ripped off for it on a daily basis. Some call me a pervert…after all the man is not only a genius musician but delicious in so many unexpected ways. I will freely admit that I do get distracted by his beautiful face and tattoos (I am human after all). But if I put all of that aside what I value most is his ability to articulate, through music, what it means to be human. There have been days when I felt so unloved, so unworthy, ugly, ashamed…where I doubted the value of my very existence and was unable to get out of bed. Then I would listen to his music, his voice and feel the one thing I needed most – peace.

Being deeply rooted to that reverence changed the way I view music. I no longer pull up my nose in disdain when asked to sing a silly pop song. I know that for that second it allows people to feel something real, gives relief…a way through and out. I understand that it is never about me but what moves through me when I sing. That in itself is reward enough. Yes, I need to make money to get by…but that reverence has always given me more than enough when I needed it most. Brand endorsements will come if they need too but they are not necessary – neither is fame.

So I try to do my best, be as sincere as I am able to and give my all in every way I can. Whether it means singing Brenda Fassie’s Weekend Special, answering pointless emails on Facebook or wearing heels for more hours than is humanley possible. Above all I trust.. I revere… and if that comes with a cocktail or two – so much better!

If I had to be really honest I would state (hand on the bible) that I knew he was on to something at the first meeting. “While we work together I will pretend you are 28,” I said flippantly. A part of my brain refused to believe that one so young could be so…gifted. I am not just going on and on about this movie because my material was used or because people I know wrote and acted in it. I do have some larger point I would like to get across, so bare with me…

Over the last 2 years I have heard the strangest things. “You should try your best not to rely on people” someone in the entertainment industry once said. Now I can firmly say, “Bullocks to that!” I am a cautious, cynical Scorpio but somehow, when I wasn’t paying attention and probably while writing a song, a completely outlandish, totally unexpected thing happened. I learnt to trust myself…

“Everyone is your mirror” a teacher once told me. I hate that saying because I know it to be true. If I am distrustful of others it is not because they are inherently untrustworthy. More than anything it reflects how little faith and trust I have in myself. People like to think that the music industry is governed by the law “It’s not what you do but who you know” Again I have only one word to say “Bullocks!” At every blind corner in my career, when I had no idea what to do or where to turn to, serendipity stepped in and gifted me with something extraordinary. People. Not only were they willing to help me, they believed in my voice, my vision. It was always a perfect fit.

Strange as this may sound (or cocky depending on where you stand) I do believe that I will keep ‘running’ into people. Not because I am that talented or connected or rich or even pretty…but because I trust myself to know that music is my calling. And last night I was lucky enough to be surrounded by like minded people who, young as they seemed, trusted themselves as much as I learnt too…

I am very emotional and only learnt the extent of that energy when my daughter was born. I would go wherever the wind lured me. Often neglecting my studies and friends for boys – well, one boy in particular. Then my daughter was born and I had to re-evaluate everything. The end result being that I almost became a hermit and way too introspective. “Why did that happen to me and what was I suppose to learn from it?” In fact I would ask that about every encounter or person in my life -often driving my friends and myself crazy in the process.

I would then switch on the television at night and be confronted in a completely unexpected way. By  a character like Spok in Star Trek for example. He who was my polar opposite, seemingly devoid of emotions and reliant only on logic. “Could I do that?” I wondered? I quickly discovered that I could not, but that is the first time I learnt the value of emotions and how they can overwhelm and cloud my thinking.

The irony is my life was littered with Spocks. People who either refused to show emotions or simply did not know how too….and it drove me crazy. How can you argue with someone like that, tell me? I would be in tears unable to string a sentence together and they would stand there unaffected. As the years went by I did the only logical thing I knew too. I learnt to control, take in and withdraw what I felt.

Then music came along and all those barriers and defenses were blown to smithereens. How can I be a musician if I do not share honestly, sincerely? Music won’t allow me to lie…because, as cliché as it sounds, I am at my best and most sincere when I sing or write music. I no longer have to control, take in or withdraw. I also don’t need anyone to make me feel safe in that space…I do that for myself.

I could go on and on about how Star Trek and Dr Who do so much more than entertain. They tackle troubling issues such as cultural relativism, religious morality…in short we are confronted with our own human condition. Yes, it can be rather depressing (all those moral dilemmas) but always there’s a glimmer of hope at the end of each episode – and that was enough for me. Those two shows remind me that I should never give up or abandon my lust for adventure…even if my lust is confined only to music – for now.

Nothing makes me happier than a call from Morgan or Tabitha informing me that I have work.  I love getting in a plane and being alone in a hotel room. It feels like a mini holiday. Along the way I have learnt a few about myself and my band. First things first: I should always have an extra dress and stocking on hand. At the last job my stockings ripped 20 minutes ahead of call time. If it weren’t for two very good friends who lived close by, some audience members would have been scarred for life or blinded at the very least.

This might sound outrageous and very anti – new age but here goes. Judge me later if you must. I have learnt to stop feeling grateful at every turn. Allow me to explain. When I first stepped into the music industry I was grateful for everything that came my way – even mediocre musicians and crappy gigs. I would always smile and say, “Thanks that sounds great!” I said that because I didn’t know any better. I am, for the most part, more selective and discerning now. As a musician I cannot afford not to be. After all no one knows my music better than I do…

Honestly, there is nothing better than playing a show on your own terms. In front of people who actually paid to be there….where I get so nervous and excited I can’t sleep or eat or think straight. I could never only play corporate gigs. It would kill me. So prevent my untimely death my band and I play corporate not for the client (shoo don’t tell them) – but for ourselves. As long as we can leave saying, “We played well” that’s good enough.

In the next few months I will have to fake pose for another photo shoot (arrg) when we launch the new album, Devil Woman.  I won’t make the same mistakes I did the first time round.  I have learnt to not swear on live radio, say crap seven times on Sunday morning tv or pull my face into a contorted expression when I sing the wrong note. See? You live, you learn…

I can trace this unhealthy habit back to the birth of my daughter. I was so bored back then I even got addicted to cricket. The Five Day matches were particularly thrilling and for a while I even fantasized about sitting on that patchy lawn in Newlands under an umbrella and with a beer (and I hate beer!) I can’t really remember my first dealer or what concoction hooked me. It is all a bit hazy right now to be honest, but that first hit was all it took.

A while back my daughter burst through the doors and declared “Teacher gave us an assignment. We can’t watch tv for a week and that includes you Mummy!” Phah! Pish! Posh! “I can do that easily!” I said. The teacher did not mention anything about computers or phones or other people’s houses, so I was in the clear – technically. Did I mention all that to my lovely daughter? I watched everything when I was certain she was asleep and after the week was done smiled oh so triumphantly and said, “See? I told you I could do it!”

I loved reading books with a supernatural twist when I was a kid. I recall sitting in Kuils River library for hours on end after the bell rang. This does explain why I enjoy writing the odd murder song. I even managed to guide my daughter’s reading to the fantasy/horror side. All I need to do is get her hooked on a good science fiction book then my work is done.

Honestly, after writing music or singing extensively, there is nothing better than chilling in front of my pc and zoning out on series. I have been known to overdose every so often – but luckily it has not landed me in any serious danger as yet. On a serious note though…behind all the drama, blood and gore – the storylines are deeply moving. My daughter has found me in tears at my computer many a times…

If you enter my home you will be met with silence unless I am writing music, cleaning, cooking or have people around. But my pc will always be humming away ever so serenely, assuring me that all is well in the world. On it you might find marauding zombies, people on an island trying to find their way home, a respectable teacher who cooks meth, two brothers on a righteous mission, a daring Time Lord or a house haunted with way too many ghosts and creepy side characters. I am talking about The Walking Dead, LOST, Breaking Bad, Supernatural, Dr Who and American Horror Story in case you were wondering…

But I want you to know…I need you to know that I am not ready yet. In fact I don’t think I ever will be ready to give them all up and go cold turkey. I am just not strong enough! And that bladdy BBC always airs innovative shows that lure me to my back ally dealers with their shifty eyes and fast fingers. Have you taken a look at Misfits, Being Human, or The Fades? Seriously, what chance does a girl really stand these days? What chance….?