Auriol Hays

Awareness through music

Imperial Blaze

Now that I am no longer married I don’t take love or lust too seriously. I really am not interested in having anyone’s babies or playing girlfriend. For the first time I am able to see things as they are and simply Observe. Did I lose my faith in people or some higher power? No, I lost faith in only one person. My divorce and all the mess leading up to it taught me a valuable lesson: how to keep my pain in perspective.

Very often I hear  “You are so strong Auriol.” They have no idea….No one has any idea how close I came to losing my mind, how often I would scream myself awake from troubling dreams, not move from my bed or would collapse in tears after a show. Very often what you want and what you need are two different things. Did I want to be lied and betrayed at every corner? No. But it was what I needed to move on…

If I had to be truthful I would say that I knew, at that very second two years ago when I hurled my wedding ring across the room, that I would never put it on again. That somewhere, something had broken and no amount of promises or kind words could fix. I knew. We always know…but who wants to deal with that painful realization?

So I don’t take love or lust seriously and urge everyone else to do the same. “But he’s leaving in a few months time. I don’t want to get attached.” I hate it when woman say that! Sometimes I just want to smack them and say, “Every man you meet will not be your Baby-Daddy or the Love of Your Life dammit-all!”! This is, sadly something no one single woman wants to hear. We are either too invested in the fairy tale, the happily ever after, or the Rules and Regulations. I am sure that happily ever after exists somewhere out there. However, I am more invested in the Here and Now.

Keeping my pain in perspective was a damn hard thing. I had to remind myself every morning that I have so much to be grateful for. That this failed relationship was merely one small thing. One small thing…even writing that is hard.

I have no idea what will become of me… and for the first time I am okay with that. All I want to do is hang out with my pesky daughter, dance to Sean Paul with my sister, get on stage and sing, eat good food with friends, listen to good music and hang out at the beach. Anything or anyone else is just going to have to fit in with that…

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