When I tell people I was a silent kid, no one really believes me. They could never imagine loquacious me as anything but bubbly and well, loquacious. Sullen and withdrawn I can be and most certainly was when younger. That’s how I how become a voyeur and a voracious reader. Two necessary ingredients to becoming a songwriter I think. But when I was younger, it was my anything but. I hid in books..
I was stuck in what I termed my ” metaphysical phase” for many years. I even became a psychic junkie for a while, joined a Wiccan coven and refrained from eating meat for two or three years! It really was an eye-opening experience. Once I felt more assured of my place in this universe, I decided to become a musician. My every thought was bent towards it and the books reflected that. It was a long and exhaustive process, finding balance.
First, I must make a small confession. This confession has a huge impact on how I view matters of the heart, in music and …other places. Dawson’s Creek. Dang! I loved that show and Pacey (Joshua Jackson) especially. The writers of that show should be persecuted for crimes against humanity! They convinced me that men were more than capable of expressing their heart’s desire. I suffered for many years trying to prove them wrong! Tell me who wouldn’t want a boyfriends like Pacey? One who would say this..
“Actually, um, hold on. I’m not done yet. Because I also want for you to be happy. It’s really important for me that you be happy. So I want you to be with someone, whether it be Dawson or New York guy or some man that you haven’t even met yet. But I want you to be with someone who can be a part of the life that you want for yourself. I want you to be with someone who makes you feel like I feel when I’m with you. So, I guess the point to this long run-on sentence that’s been the last 10 years of our lives is just that the simple act of being in love with you is enough for me. “
Beautiful isn’t it? But what man in this universe or the many parallel multiverses says crap like that? Let me not get started on the tv show Felicity and that aloof Ben! Me? I live with my heart on my sleeve but many, I realized do live by the same code. Some have even forgotten they have a heart altogether! When I lose my way, I call my Mother, sometime rather teary-eyed too I might add. She would always say “Auriol, your heart is a bit too small. You need to believe in something, in someone. Don’t forget God has a plan for you. Have patience, write music.” But I can never wait for others to do and say things and I am dreadfully impatient..
“Art is not what you see, but what you make others see.” said Edgar Degas. I just decided to take my Mother’s advice and believe in something greater than myself or my own experience ..to have patience and trust that it will all add up to something one day. So I keep writing music. I try to refrain from watching soul destroying shows where words are crafted with great love. I try to stay jaded, to hope a little less… but never can manage it completely.
Pablo Picasso once said “Every child is an artist. The problem is how to remain an artist once he grows up.” Curiosity is my response Mr Pablo. I read to remain curious. I try to understand the workings of the mind and heart through books, music, art, crazy tv shows, the laughter of little kids…and finally when I am close to understanding something true – I sing