Auriol Hays

We’ve all said, “I will only love you if…” or “I will only love you when” to someone we care about. The two lines I hear most in Cape Town are, “I will only have sex when I am married”  and “If we belong to the same church things will be easier…”

The only thing we all seem to know is how not to behave. Blame it on society, your parents…whatever makes you comfortable but I reckon at some point we have to face this inevitable fact: a lot of what we think is right or proper is just someone else’s bullshit that we decided to adopt.

Maybe it’s because I was a shy child or maybe my mother really is to blame. She never once told me how I should behave or urged me to be a good girl. I was left to figure it out on my own. Yet despite that I struggled. And every day I come across people who say, “I know I shouldn’t be feeling this but….” They just don’t know what to do with how they feel.

Every emotion is packaged in some polite and politically friendly wrapping. We rarely show that we are hurt. Are too scared to show any kind of anger or acknowledge resentment. I had to learn the hard way that sometimes you have to be rough and loud or even nasty to honor your emotions.

Letting go of your conditioning is never pleasant. I find it hard sharing how I feel. So I take the easy way out instead; I write a song. Now that sounds great on paper but it is really sad. I would rather spend hours writing a song than a few minutes being deadly vulnerable with people I love.

Why can’t we just be honest and say, “I love you despite the fact that you are a crazy agnostic bitch who doesn’t believe any of the things I do.” Just the other day I told my mister, “I don’t know whether to kill you or divorce you because of your terrible taste in music!” We have come to some serious blows because of this. Trust me it is a serious matter…

Respect is important. Giving people the space to be themselves vital. Some of my friends are really loopy but why, in heaven’s name, would I want to surround myself with people who are just like me? That is seriously mental if you think about it…lol!

Yes, yes it’s true – everyone needs love and chocolates. A good splotch of romance never killed anyone but those unrealistic movies and soppy love songs just might. Now I really get annoyed when terms like “unconditional love” get hurled around. A nice concept sure…but very hard to put into practise.

How can you love anyone unconditionally? We are all terribly flawed. Allowing yourself to be loved is not as easy as it sounds. We live in these cages where certain beliefs about love and life do hold us hostage. I grew up in a house where my father does all things domestic and was rather surprised and angry when I discovered that I had to do all of the household chores…LOL! It took time and a lot of negotiation to work through that one…

Love is never easy but it was always the small things that made me overlook the mountains of ironing and cleaning I had to do. For Christmas I got a lot of expensive recording equipment. Still it’s my fat lady statute that’s my favourite gift. Someone noticed how much I loved looking at it in the shop everyday…

Now it’s time for a confession. I have been a bit of a bitch lately. Yes, I do have very valid reasons (lol!) but my bitchiness has made it hard to see certain things. Don’t you just hate it when you are in such a bad mood that everything you hear sounds like an insult? I am glad I don’t have a death squad at my command because there would be a lot of dead bodies floating around…lol!

That’s why appreciate it when my sister says, “You are being a bitch Auriol. Lighten up!” So instead of wishing for love and chocolates and feeling miserable – I have decided to give it. I won’t aim for unconditional love but I will try harder to love the people in my life a lot better and as best I can…

You can’t always trust everything you feel. I think we have all been in that situation before. I remember being convinced I would get at least one SAMA nomination. Shit, I felt it in every bone in my body and when the SAMA people followed me on Twitter I though “fook, it’s just a matter of time”. Of course nothing happened and for at least 10 minutes on the 4^th of March I felt really shit.

Then I remembered something a good friend said. “Always ask yourself if what you are feeling is really true.” Don’t you just hate it when people say cool and very profound stuff – after the fact? What he wanted me to do was get some distance so I could understand why I felt what I felt so strongly. If only I did this before the SAMA debacle I would have spared myself a lot of drama…lol!

Emotions are like a bladdy drug – especially the negative ones. They can make you loose your footing and do the craziest things. This is why I have decided to always be more honest with myself. Seriously though many times we don’t even question the validity of what we feel. The biggest problem is those feeling feel so real to you

If I am angry about a thing I have to ask myself what I am really angry about and then try to dissect the how’s and the why’s. If I really don’t get it I call up a friend and ask for insight. That usually works. Sometimes I reckon you just have to stop  -  take your head out of your ass and question if whether what you feel is real because sometimes it can be the biggest load of bullshit…lol!

“Men and woman can’t be friends” said my therapist. This was the first time I honestly felt like smacking an old man. I know that to be a complete lie. A friend of mine once said that you know within the first 5 seconds of meeting someone if they are a potential mate. And we all know whether we want to admit it or not.

Now in my mind there is nothing wrong with being attracted to someone. We are not nuns and priests here people, but we are not animals either. Not all of us will jump the first attractive thing we see. I do see the danger that the therapist was talking about. Sometimes it is just easier to talk to someone who doesn’t have to deal with all that messy stuff that you have going on in your permanent relations. Those relationships then seem so much more attractive. So you run the risk of getting attached…

Still I like to think that all my friendships add something special to my life. I do think it comes down to balance and knowing what’s important. I like sitting at the bar in my house and drinking cheap red wine with my sister and friends while we bitch and perv about men and the general state of the world. Those moments make my day a hell of a lot brighter.

And the most important bit is knowing  and respecting what your partner needs because we are all different. I go completely batty if I am left on my own or without music for too long. I transform into a Grinch of epic proportions who wants to burn people’s wedding photos and stir fry their kid’s toys…lol!

Everyone gets drunk and stomps around to really bad tunes. I most certainly did…and lordy lord, it was a country song! Did I enjoy myself? – hell yeah. Did I wake up feeling as drunk as I was the night before? – you better believe it! All in all it was a fantastic night out with great friends and by the end of it…I had no ball hairs or stress left! LOL

Why am I talking about this? Hell, I had one busy week. It was a week of firsts. I sang on live radio with my guitarist, Shaun. I did my first corporate gig. Nerve wracking as all hell. And the live tv performance went down okay. Now do you get why a night out on the town was needed?

I guess I am lucky that way. The friends I have are all amazing. There is no pretence, no bullshit. I don’t have to be on my best behaviour or watch what I say. I had this one friend who would speak about herself for hours on end. And the one day I called her because I was feeling seriously depressed, she rocks up and talks about herself for a full hour and a bit. Needless so say she is no longer a friend or acquaintance.

Yes, I will pick up the phone at 3 in the morning for my “people”. I will sit and listen for hours on end to their problems. In short I will indulge in the bullshit also because they do the same for me. And that, I reckon is what matters most. Giving out what you want to get back.

And that is never an easy task. Seeing the person’s flaws and shortcomings is. Knowing when they will fuck up and let you down is. And when those relationships are difficult you don’t always remember the good stuff that easily either. This is why having friends matters. Friends who have been through rough patches, fell on their asses and got back up again. They give you balance and perspective when you need it most. And getting motherlessly drunk in Mellville, dancing and singing to country songs also counts for a great deal…lol! Surely, that’s what friends are for….

There are a few things I know about myself. No matter how nice I might seem, at my core I am a cynic. Oh, and I get annoyed easily by Disney movies, Jane Austin and bad Afrikaans music.  And if my daughter is to be believed I am also rude and swear too much. Of course I do not believe one bladdy word she says ….

Anyway, a good and fabulous friend popped in for a visit today. This guy is so full of life that I just felt dirty and ashamed (and not the good kind either) sitting next to him. As he talked I had to ask myself just what the hell happened to me. Where did all my spark and lust for life go? These days all I am is one ball of seriousness….

Sure there are many reasons why I have been in a bad mood for the last few years. Don’t worry I won’t bore you with all the details. I will say that I do think I am in trouble. My sister, looking for a pick-me-up on a really bad day, went through my DVD collection while back. In the end she opted for one of my daughter’s DVD’s. “Lord, Auriol, you have no happy or funny stuff to watch.”  

People tend to die in the movies I like. It’s either that or there’s a lot of blood involved. And my music is just as dark. In the last few months I wrote only one really happy song.  Either way I think I have lost the bladdy plot. And in an attempt to get my shit together I have decided to shake things up….

With the help of my best friend I made a list of things I would dare myself to do. Yes, they are uncomfortable things like…trying to cook a new dish every week. Dammit-all I hate cooking! So to get over my troubles I planned my meals for the next two weeks and littered them with new dishes.

It is a long list and I hope to come out of the process a sunnier person. Perhaps I might even smile a bit more and crack a joke or two. I will do my best to forget that saying about the road to hell being paved with good intentions…..wish me luck…

People like pretending they know the answers.  We love telling our kids or anyone who will listen “Don’t do this!” “Stay away from that!” I have accepted that life is littered with arbitrary rules and bullshit.  With people who refuse to understand. People who act righteous but aren’t and those who are blinded selfish desires. I can understand because I have been on the giving and receiving end many times….

To say that this world is filled with damaged people is an understatement.  People are damaged and damage others. We all have reasons to feel justified…. chip that we shoulder and resentments that we cling to. It’s easy.  You just sit there and stew in your own crap year in and year out. Recently I came out of a trying ordeal and honestly I was 100% responsible. It was all my own doing or (if you like) undoing.  And sure I fell to pieces many times and in fact still do – but there have been many unexpected silver linings and pots of gold along the way…

When going through a rough time many things are forgotten along with common sense and reason.  I was lucky because I had friends who did not preach at me while I was being a complete idiot. They did not point fingers and judge or give stupid advice. Instead they showed me how to deal with my failures…. to understand my weakness…and how to move away from my justifications, bullshit and anger.

And when you are going through your own little apocalypse there is no greater gift  than being surrounded by  people who can remind you what it means to be human…

We can all be shallow and vain at time. I say and think stupid things all the time! It’s not easy to turn off that “I will judge you now” button in my head.  There are some people I connect with instantly while the rest tend to fade into the background. So imagine my surprise when I saw the extraordinary in someone I thought of as ordinary…someone I usually greet in passing….someone who sits quietly behind his pc and seems so unassuming .In one single moment, on a very ordinary Saturday evening, I got a glimpse of all those things that render him graceful….fascinating….ultimately someone worth knowing.

When my daughter was very small I learnt to appreciate the value of those small moments. I just knew that I should grab on to any morsel of happiness or peace that came my way. In between all the crying and tantrums – those moments kept me sane. A great glass of port at night….the silence of a cathedral at 7am….and the peace that comes when falling asleep to an old vinyl record. But what I enjoyed most was that split second when I got to really know someone.

Over the years I have met people who I knew I could spend hours taking to; people who are captivating, alluring and filled with mystique. And let’s not forget the entirely mad ones also!  I have come across those people in the strangest places. Some have remained my friends while others were just passing through. Yes, I am selective about who I love – because more than anything I want my life to be filled with music and people who are worth getting to know and love.