We’ve all said, “I will only love you if…” or “I will only love you when” to someone we care about. The two lines I hear most in Cape Town are, “I will only have sex when I am married” and “If we belong to the same church things will be easier…”
The only thing we all seem to know is how not to behave. Blame it on society, your parents…whatever makes you comfortable but I reckon at some point we have to face this inevitable fact: a lot of what we think is right or proper is just someone else’s bullshit that we decided to adopt.
Maybe it’s because I was a shy child or maybe my mother really is to blame. She never once told me how I should behave or urged me to be a good girl. I was left to figure it out on my own. Yet despite that I struggled. And every day I come across people who say, “I know I shouldn’t be feeling this but….” They just don’t know what to do with how they feel.
Every emotion is packaged in some polite and politically friendly wrapping. We rarely show that we are hurt. Are too scared to show any kind of anger or acknowledge resentment. I had to learn the hard way that sometimes you have to be rough and loud or even nasty to honor your emotions.
Letting go of your conditioning is never pleasant. I find it hard sharing how I feel. So I take the easy way out instead; I write a song. Now that sounds great on paper but it is really sad. I would rather spend hours writing a song than a few minutes being deadly vulnerable with people I love.
Why can’t we just be honest and say, “I love you despite the fact that you are a crazy agnostic bitch who doesn’t believe any of the things I do.” Just the other day I told my mister, “I don’t know whether to kill you or divorce you because of your terrible taste in music!” We have come to some serious blows because of this. Trust me it is a serious matter…
Respect is important. Giving people the space to be themselves vital. Some of my friends are really loopy but why, in heaven’s name, would I want to surround myself with people who are just like me? That is seriously mental if you think about it…lol!