Auriol Hays

You’re trying to kill me!” I screamed. “No, Mummy, what if there is a flood or a Tsunami? You need to learn  to swim! Now let go!” At first we both laughed so much. She was teaching and I was resisting. Eventually things snapped into place and when it did …a remembrance, an epiphany, washed over me.

I was transported back to our first home inWoodstock. There was something about that looming flat mountain, the swirling clouds rushing towards us and birds…the bladdy birds. The two of us would sit and watch in fascination as they navigated their way through the turbulent skies. We would do that for hours at a time. Just the two of us and those bladdy birds. While in the pool I was reminded of them and a thought struck me.  All of nature exists in a state of perfect grace. There is no struggle to be, no fighting again. It is perfect, without fault and everything is as it should be.

After sharing a perfect day with my daughter I looked into my own life and the chaos I created. There are days when I have no grace, I realized. When I allow anger and ego to rule. That’s when all the colorful swear words escape and phrases  such as revenge, payback and “kill that bitch” creep into my mind. It’s not always to escape my Scorpio energy…

I know that life will throw things at me, and that I won’t always be  graceful about it. There will be days when anger and grief gets the better of me, when I cannot get out of bed and have no faith in myself or those around me.  I also know, and this is especially important, that those days will pass. It has taken a long time for me to accept that I, just like everyone around me, am only human. People cannot give what they do not have. All I can do remain grounded and love as best and hard as I can….and write a song about all the times I failed!

My daughter, I realized, is a reminder of that grace. She isn’t perfect, trust me. She is volatile, opinionated and proud…but her heart is as big and open as the perfect blue sky. My day ended with the two of us lying on a couch, watching tv and talking crap. She shared all the Days-Of-Our-Lives drama at her school while I just laughed and offered my 34 cents, when asked. I then shared some insights in my life – about people and music. “Just stop talking about Ben Harper Mummy!” I wanted to point out that I only did that to annoy her – but opted not too. Teasing her is just way too much fun!

“Like any other gift, the gift of grace can be yours only if you’ll reach out and take it. Maybe being able to reach out and take it is a gift too.”

No one wants to be angry or angry for too long but I have to be honest. I love that initial flush of anger. You know the stage where you swear badly, inappropriately and at inanimate objects!  I have broken phones  and torched a few items in that phase. It left me feeling justified and for a second – powerful. I could almost hear my shaman Jen (yes, I have one, deal with it) saying, “Auriol, when you are  angry you are giving all your power away.” Again, I didn’t care about any of that as the flames roared…

As I listened to James Vincent McMorrow an unexpected thing happened. The anger was replaced by even scarier emotions: disappointment, pain and sadness. As I looked back into my past I saw how my own actions and thinking contributed to the mess I was in. Pointing fingers only helps for a little while.  And as James whispered into my ears…I cried. In fact the proper term would be howled. I never thought I would hear that sound emerge from so deep within me. Finally I got to say and feel what I needed too – if only to myself. I am so glad my daughter was asleep when that happened.

I know of so many people who let anger rule their lives. I grew up with an angry parent. In the end they hurt themselves more than anyone they happen to come into contact with. So even though I initially turned up my nose when Jen suggested all these exercise to deal with my anger, I am glad I didn’t ignore her. I just had to spend a good few hours crying and writing music after the anger left me to regain my balance.

Does that mean that my toaster isn’t in danger of being terribly sworn at in the near future? Probably not…

“Hell is other people” I have heard this so often. I was about to say the same thing when I realized that “Hell is my perception of other people.” Honestly, I wish I weren’t so full of shit or weighed down by my expectations of others.  Sometimes I expect too much or too little. I am big enough to accept responsibility for that. After all no one else can be held accountable for the way I view others. When I loose faith in my ability to understand people only two things get me through – my love for my daughter and my love of music.

I don’t waltz over the keyboard immediately and start writing music. I lie on the bed with all my cats (they always know when it’s a code blue situation) and listen to Ben Harper for a while. Then I question myself about those expectations and what it reveals about my state of mind. I have been accused of over thinking, but if I do not take the time to understand myself who will? In the Wisdom of the Tao it says, “”One who understands others has knowledge. One who understands himself has wisdom. Mastering others requires force.  Mastering the self needs strength.” I am tired of feeling weak and out of control.

A recent visit to a homeopath was more than surprising. After 30 minutes she looked at me and said, “You do not share easily and keep everything locked inside you. This is why you are having problems breathing.” And I thought I just needed to exercise! When I troubles with people I do not share them – least of all with those involved. I talk my way around it, under it or try to resolve it through music.

If I weren’t a musician I would be a diplomat. I could spend all my time hiding behind other people’s troubles. But music doesn’t provide me with that as option. Ben Harper said it best,  ”You can’t fool music because it exposes you to the depth of who you are, who you really want to be….Whether I am honest as a man is up for debate within myself…but as a musician I know nothing but honesty.”

Sometimes things have to be said, confrontations had so that all that the energy can be released. But, first I have to deal with my ego, its conditioning, prejudices, expectations and once I am resolved – only then can I face with person I am having issues with. And if I am lucky a song comes…if not at least I have peace of mind for a while…

Even though we don’t mean too, claim we know better, evangelise the advances of technology and how it has propelled humanity into the galaxies and beyond, at the end of the day we are terribly, boringly human. Some of us never get past our conditioning.  We get up, live our day and at time don’t understand why we feel the way we do.

Yesterday was my sister’s birthday and she was miserable. “Why do I feel this way?” she asked.  A few years ago I realised that I unconsciously took on some of my father’s energy. The old man has a habit of hiding out from the world on his birthday. Doesn’t pick up calls, talk to anyone and generally is not a happy chappy.  As we grew older my sister and I started to mimic his behaviour.

When I made this connection, I decided to break the habit consciously. “The best birthday I had, “I explained “was when I was alone in my house. The sun was shining and I put on some good music and danced like a lunatic.” After all, if I am responsible for my own happiness, who will be?

Over the years I have questioned why I behave the way I do, where it stems from and tried to identify the triggers that set off certain behaviours. My friends say I over think and over analyse. I spent years not understanding why I feel the way I do. Some might call it mild depression. I prefer to think of it as a period of adjustment during which I gained insight into myself.  I made many life altering decisions then too – like being a musician.

Occasionally I worry about my sister. She can be rather fragile – even though she doesn’t appear to be so. I say occasionally because my sister can be fiercely protective and scary when she has too. She swore at a nurse and a judge in court once! All for perfectly good reasons, I assure you….She is stronger than she thinks. I just wish she could see that. I wish we could all see that when it matters.

Sometimes I am convinced that most of us are ill prepared for what life throws at us. Scrap that! I am always ill prepared. Music is easy compared to everyday living. You practice your notes, rehearse in real time, in your sleep and you can pull of a decent performance. Life, on the other hand is more…complex.

The only way to get through it is by having something to look forward too. I still want to celebrate a birthday in the desert listening to Radiohead, Muse, Grand Funk Railroad while being surrounded by friends all huddled around a big fire. I want to lie on my back, gaze up at the open sky, hear music being played around me and forget everything for a while. Ah, it is a sweet dream…

I do wonder if I would have been better prepared for this life if my mother taught me how to be a proper lady. If I knew how to cook, clean like a pro, walk comfortably in heels and to dress better. Instead all I can sing a song reasonably well and write a good song if I am inspired. My world does feel rather small and at times I wonder if it is enough…

There are days when I am deliriously happy and manage to forget all my shortcomings. I put on some good music, cook and do a little impromptu dance with a wooden spoon in my hand. Or I sit in the sun and read a book while my cat naps on my lap. Then there’s my daughter who’s just an all round comedian-wannabe rapper-writer-painter. Mostly she lives to mock me and my taste in music.

Maybe I just need to write less depressing songs about death and revolutions and simply be more observant.  While on that note, I should also stop comparing my cooking to the dishes I see on MasterChef. After all I am not trying to win a competition! I just don’t want to poison anyone….

Some people are headed for a nervous breakdown. I can see it so clearly when scanning through rather questionable and oh so very flaky status updates on Facebook. Yes, yes…I know that everyone has their own process and ways of dealing with their lives and I should have more empathy… but sometimes, just sometimes I want to slap them and say, “Get real man! You can’t new age your way through everything!

Emotions are meant to be felt, painfully endured, and worked through so you can heal… Of course, I would only ever say that to people I know intimately…but forgive me for thinking badly of total strangers. I am not Buddha chilling under a tree. Enlightenment is far, far, far away I fear…

After just watching Planet of the Apes, I was struck by the following thought, “Life will always conspire to show you who you really are; your darkest fears and deepest desires”. This only means one thing my mind dear friend, the shit will hit the fan and when it does how you respond will determine if you are able expunge that funky stench from your skin and bones. Yes, yes…personal experience blah, blah, blah…

So instead of getting annoyed and making some snarky comment, I hide their status updates. The truth is I was once that oblivious. I once clung to a lot of – isms to get by. Simply reading a few books and jotting down carefully selected new age sentence can only get you so far. In order to really learn you have to feel it in every inch of your bones and that takes time.

It takes time for any truth to lodge itself within you. Very often it comes with lots of pain, drama and sometimes a little nervous breakdown or three. And if you’re a musician nervous breakdowns are great! They can fire your creativity for months on end!  At least this is what I tell myself…

When I was in university I was asked a strange question. “Auriol, do you think an ant knows its purpose?” I looked at her  and after a dramatic pause said, “Let’s go smoke and eat. We’ll talk about this later”. Later, of course, never came but I always wondered what sparked that question.

Now that I am older and have faced those looting ants, I have come to the following conclusions. All animals have an instinctive knowing; they know and deeply understand their purpose. They know what it is they have to do to survive.  We are the ones who struggle, question and live our lives (at times) without grace or understanding…

Just the other day I was out walking in my garden when a thought occurred to me. Just like animals we too have our natural rhythms and seasons.  The problem I have is that I never know just where I am on that wheel. That’s when dreams come in handy. When I am out of sorts I am plagued with dreams about missing trains or I find myself at school and later in some dodgy part of town.

When I am particularly troubled I go for a walk in my garden to get clarity. On one of my meanderings the image of a river came to mind and a message along with it. We all get ourselves into troubling situations and instead of accepting where we are – we fight, we deny or we run away. I was being shown that if I just relaxed I would get to where I needed to be. Instead of trusting that there was something bigger than myself at play, I got out of the boat, plunged into the waters and loudly shouted “I need”, “I want”, “Why I must I?”  and “Dammit all to hell!”

Who knows why we go through the things we do. Some would say we are tested from time to time. After coming out the other side I know this for sure. Trying to control never helps. Having a level head, family and friends do. Instead of shouting and cursing the heavens, I write music and through it am reminded of my purpose and grace. That way I can stay in the boat and enjoy the ride…

I said some nasty things to someone a few days ago. It’s hard to be nice to someone who is drinking themselves to death.

I constantly ask myself – why can’t they see where all this bullshit will get them? Just as I am on the verge of hurling all the swear words I know – I remember that it’s not my life – but theirs. So I detach myself and step back…

We all struggle to keep our boundaries intact – even on the good days. I once knew someone who could successfully talk about themselves for hours on end. I thought this was admirable and fun – for a little while but I cut them off and out.  My husband says I am mercenary at times…

Being a good friend, wife, mother and even musician requires that you listen intently to what people say – more so when they can’t find the words. I don’t have self involved friends but there are those who require more of my time and I give it. Hell, they were there for me when I wanted to throw myself off the nearest cliff! It’s the least I can do. But there are certain things I cannot have in my life…

The alcoholic in the making is one of them. I am not rude to them anymore. I don’t love or care any less… but there are times when things have to be said and the law laid down. Understanding and even empathy can only get you so far. And when strange people come into my life I ask myself what I can learn from them first before giving the kill order and sending my men out to do my dirty work…

We are all wired differently. Don’t worry this isn’t a woman-are-from-Venus men-are-from-Mars rant. It’s about behaving badly and I do it every so often. The latest episode happened at a family function where I wasn’t feeling very talkative. The First Husband was not impressed….

“Auriol, what’s wrong with you?” Is this man not married to me, I wondered? Has he not noticed that I go into lurk mode and try to hide out from everyone? Even the people at my record company know this about me…lol!

Yes, we all are guilty of thinking people should behave in a certain way…. and then stepping outside of those boundaries ourselves. I can be very social when I choose to be but there are times when I just want to be left to my own devices. That is becoming harder to do these days. Anyway, it’s the best and only way to observe people… but the First Husband was not having any of that either.

I felt like a bad child being sent to the naughty corner. I did not want to admit that he had a point here and there. Sometimes I do not care enough so I retreat. Other times engaging is just too costly because once you are in their “stuff” – you are invested and that changes everything.

I am not one of those people who can only care a little bit or care from a distance. I know of many people who do that very successfully and I find it fascinating and odd. People who I care about will hear from me often. At least a few times a week and I make time to see them whenever possible. The rest of them….oh well…No one’s perfect.

I am usually more intrigued by the psychotic villains than the boring, predictable heroes. I like to think that most people share this view. So yes, I was really annoyed when they killed off Franklin in True Blood and relieved that Russell, the King of Mississippi did not die a true death. This kind of thinking worries my family a great deal…lol!

I think they would be happier if I wrote funny, happy songs about love and teddy bears. I ignore them because writing about the darker emotions is just more appealing. When I write music I often become the people I write about. Over the years writing music has become more than merely cathartic. It has made me more empathic.

I have never dismissed people who think or do things differently. Although I might shoot them the odd “are-you-out-of-your-mind?” look. I am open minded not insane, remember? I think this tendency had its roots with my father who was a bit of a revolutionary in his day.

I was always being lectured about this struggle and that injustice. And while I always listened, I was always more interested in the emotions and thinking that lead them down a certain path. Whereas the old man was more concerned with in righting the wrongs and overturning the “system”.

The ability to empathise with people comes in very handy when I write music. Even when I write about a crazed lunatics or happen to be killing off someone in a song – it really does feel good. Why? Because there is such freedom in just allowing oneself to feel an emotion and release it.

It’s been hammered in us. Don’t think this. Don’t feel that. And all those repressed stuff tend to drive people batty and make them do some crazy s**t!

So what if I don’t always write about the “good stuff”? There are more than enough musicians doing that. I write and sing for balance and maybe some kind of peace. If I happen to find people that can relate – cool. If not I guess the body count in my next album will be a lot higher….lol!