Auriol Hays

We are all wired differently. Don’t worry this isn’t a woman-are-from-Venus men-are-from-Mars rant. It’s about behaving badly and I do it every so often. The latest episode happened at a family function where I wasn’t feeling very talkative. The First Husband was not impressed….

“Auriol, what’s wrong with you?” Is this man not married to me, I wondered? Has he not noticed that I go into lurk mode and try to hide out from everyone? Even the people at my record company know this about me…lol!

Yes, we all are guilty of thinking people should behave in a certain way…. and then stepping outside of those boundaries ourselves. I can be very social when I choose to be but there are times when I just want to be left to my own devices. That is becoming harder to do these days. Anyway, it’s the best and only way to observe people… but the First Husband was not having any of that either.

I felt like a bad child being sent to the naughty corner. I did not want to admit that he had a point here and there. Sometimes I do not care enough so I retreat. Other times engaging is just too costly because once you are in their “stuff” – you are invested and that changes everything.

I am not one of those people who can only care a little bit or care from a distance. I know of many people who do that very successfully and I find it fascinating and odd. People who I care about will hear from me often. At least a few times a week and I make time to see them whenever possible. The rest of them….oh well…No one’s perfect.

I am usually more intrigued by the psychotic villains than the boring, predictable heroes. I like to think that most people share this view. So yes, I was really annoyed when they killed off Franklin in True Blood and relieved that Russell, the King of Mississippi did not die a true death. This kind of thinking worries my family a great deal…lol!

I think they would be happier if I wrote funny, happy songs about love and teddy bears. I ignore them because writing about the darker emotions is just more appealing. When I write music I often become the people I write about. Over the years writing music has become more than merely cathartic. It has made me more empathic.

I have never dismissed people who think or do things differently. Although I might shoot them the odd “are-you-out-of-your-mind?” look. I am open minded not insane, remember? I think this tendency had its roots with my father who was a bit of a revolutionary in his day.

I was always being lectured about this struggle and that injustice. And while I always listened, I was always more interested in the emotions and thinking that lead them down a certain path. Whereas the old man was more concerned with in righting the wrongs and overturning the “system”.

The ability to empathise with people comes in very handy when I write music. Even when I write about a crazed lunatics or happen to be killing off someone in a song – it really does feel good. Why? Because there is such freedom in just allowing oneself to feel an emotion and release it.

It’s been hammered in us. Don’t think this. Don’t feel that. And all those repressed stuff tend to drive people batty and make them do some crazy s**t!

So what if I don’t always write about the “good stuff”? There are more than enough musicians doing that. I write and sing for balance and maybe some kind of peace. If I happen to find people that can relate – cool. If not I guess the body count in my next album will be a lot higher….lol!

I get to meet lots of interesting people. It is one of the perks of my job. This past weekend in Eldo’s was no different. Whenever I meet exceptional people I wonder where they get their courage and balls from and why I, at times, feel like I have none.Let me explain. When I sing I feel the most free I ever get to be.

Yet, despite all the good fortune that has come way there is still this 6 year old wondering, “Are they really talking about me?” So when I ran into a compulsive attention seeker I was really taken aback. Everything about her screamed “look at me. This lady was the exact opposite of who I am. Was I jealous? Not even a little bit. But I knew why she was being shown to me.

She got me thinking about the fallacies and plain stupid thoughts I have about my own self worth. There’s all these “should be more of’s” in my head. I should be more organised, smarter, street wise, cook better, prettier, thinner, more exciting in bed, easier to approach, sociable, run a better house and dammit I should own a car by now! But because I suffer from all those “should be more of’s” I end up committing a very grave sin. I demand less from the people in my life.

Immediately my standards drop because I am less than I should be – in my head. I think everyone can relate to that. In my mind there is a link between your self worth and how capable you are of giving and receiving love. On stage I often say that love sucks. But if I had to be truthful I would admit to being an incurable romantic. I am just full of shit because I don’t feel I am worthy of any of it. Yeah, love is for other people….

At the gig Charles made an insightful comment. “Most of the music today celebrates the loss of love. They are all mourning it,” he said. Of course he had a point. My argument will always be, “You need to have a balanced view of love. Love is not always kind or easy or nice.”

Trust me I do write songs that speak of love and all it’s magnificence. I just don’t share them or even take them out of the closet that often. Most of the times I peek at them from behind a half opened door. Give me time. When my balls drop I might let others hear me sing that song…lol!

“Mummy, I have a hard life. I wake up early in the morning (6:15) and come back late. Why do you have to stress me out like this?” All of this drama because she could not locate her socks. I did not have the energy to start an early morning war with that little girl – so I said nothing.

Her little rant really got me thinking about gratitude and empathy. In her world she matters most and who am I to argue with that? Granted, she is only a small girl but I worry. Some people never grow out of that mentality and if I don’t wake her up to her (sometimes) selfishness – who will?

Sure, we get older and life gets trickier. We have bills to pay and things that we cannot run away from. That is just part and parcel of being alive but does it mean that we stop caring about others?

Granted I am not in the soup kitchens or working with the disadvantaged but (and here comes the justification) I do make space for people as best I can and I try to be aware of my own faults and double standards when they crop up. Empathy is what matters most to me…

I do not believe in the saying “charity starts at home”. It starts wherever it starts and that should be good enough because a kindness rendered to someone – whether it be a kind word, smile or a piece of bread – matters. It changes the one giving it and the one receiving it.

So while I get annoyed at my daughter I am aware of the fact that I spoil her. A lot of who she is has everything to do with me. And did I mention that she is one fantastic kid? lol

“Stop pestering me for new episodes of True Blood! There are more important things to worry about” says the husband. It’s at moments like this that I wonder, “Does this man truly understand me?” LOL! Of course there are better things to worry about. Poverty, war,  the looming oil crisis, our bills that need to get paid – yes, all the really good stuff. Now don’t get me wrong I do worry about those things – but just not in my free time! And if you know me you would know that I love a good movie or tv series…

Last week I finally got the chance to watch INCEPTION. My sister’s mind was buzzing all over the place as we stepped out of the cinema.  There are many theories going around about the meaning of the movie.  I prefer the theory put forward by Devin Faracio on Chud.com . The idea that the movie itself is one collective dream that we are all sharing.

Now, I love my dreams! Most of the time I don’t remember them but every now and then I have a dream that changes the way I think about everything. It changes everything because the idea itself seems so crazy. Like the one I had about being a musician years ago. I reckon that’s why I am going to buy this movie as soon as it’s out on DVD, because DeCaprio’s character was right when he said, “A single idea from the human mind can build cities. An idea can transform the world and rewrite all the rules.” It has for me…

Just this morning I woke up from a dream and said, “Shit, I hate visiting that place” Yes, I need to think about that dream or if all else fails call up my best friend who seems to know my mind better than I do at times…lol!

I could also relate when DeCaprio’s character said,” I can access your mind through your dreams.” Like I said I am going with the theory that he is dreaming throughout the entire movie. Each character is a projection of his mind. And so he learns the nature of his mind through his dreams…That movie, like this life, is the ultimate dream within a dream, within a dream…

Years ago after watching THE MATRIX, some guy ahead of me said, “What if this life we are living is not real?” I just shook my head and thought, “Of course it’s not real you fool! We are just dreaming it up as we go along” Yes, I was very tolerant all those years ago…lol!

This is why I love movies. Simply because the things we watch, just like our dreams, can give us clues to what’s going on in our mind…

A girl came in for a make-over. She looked fantastic! The only thing I wanted to know was, “Is that her real hair?” And yes, the tv producer shot me a strange look when I asked. See, most Colored people (especially those from CT) are very “particular” when it comes to their hair…

I once sat in the hairdresser for 6 hours! Yes, I looked fantastic when I strutted out – eventually – but I vowed to never do that again. In JHB people have no qualms with wearing weaves but if you are wearing one in CT you are most certainly not going to admit it publicly…lol!

It has a lot to do with Apartheid. If you were lighter and your hair straighter –you were more sought after – even if you were a skank with no class! This, years after democracy, is still true all over CT. Now I don’t have an issue with ladies wearing weaves. If it makes you happy then just do it! I do worry when I see a two year old screaming her head off because she is getting braids implanted or when their scalps are being burned with relaxer.

Sure, in a perfect world we would all be okay with the way we look, but this is not a perfect world and we all have issues. The media does not make it easier either. Just think of the ladies and men in porn movies, for heaven’s sake! Most of us don’t look or act like that! LOL!

There is no point spouting things like, “love yourself as you are” – again nice concept but let’s get real here. Most of us can’t do that. It’s just too damn hard. So I opt for the next best thing; we should find a balance wherever and however we can. Wear a weave or go to bed with your GHD…whatever works for you, works for you. Look, I thought I knew a thing or two about the world yet it took me years to finally accept and embrace my big boobs… lol!

In Munich I saw an old white lady cleaning the floors and yes, I did do a double take. I also heard a lot of bullshit from white South Africans when comparing our lifestyle to that of Europe. In my mind I thought, “What do you know of poverty, suffering or discrimination? Can you empathize?”

And let me be honest here, I would also want to raise my babies in a safe environment. Who wouldn’t want that? Still it’s the bitching that I can’t handle! I am surprised that so many people are unaware of the systematic effect that Apartheid had and still has on many communities. Very little has changed. All I have to do is think about Eerste River where my parents live. My own brother can’t see further than the drugs and drinking holes he frequents…

We are all so human and biased. In South Africa Black is the face of poverty. We have very little sympathy for anyone else who does not fit into that box. Sure Switzerland has poor people – they just hide it better. In fact that country has a long history of hiding many unsavoury things…

I just wish we could stop bitching and take collective responsibility for where. Be and do more. This is not about race but about being more human…
Take a look at the link below. These are real people

http://www.boston.com/bigpicture/2010/07/poverty_within_white_south_afr.html

I remember the fist time I stepped on stage. I was in a complete state of shock and cried when I got home. I wanted it to be perfect. See, it’s always easier to look back at your past and focus only on the mistakes.

So what I did then was compile a little “wouldn’t it be nice if” list. At the top of that list was “wouldn’t it be nice if I had fun while singing”. I always made that my primary goal. I wasn’t focused on getting a record deal or even singing in front of a big audience. I just wanted to be at ease and feel some kind of peace…

I think it’s so easy to get fixated on the bad stuff. This morning as I got ready to sing live on the radio (not one but 3 songs) I had a moment of panic. Then I stopped myself and thought, “Hang on Auriol, you did this before.” So I did the only thing I could do….I prepared and prayed that my people upstairs would have my back – and they did.

This is the mistake we all make. We don’t look at our victories – the big and small ones. It’s always the crap that stays with you. Seriously, when’s the last time you made a list of all the great things you accomplished? I made a killer soup the other day…

So what? Appliances and cars break down, you run out of cash, make stupid decision – these things happen. Sometimes you just have a bad week or even month. I’ve always looked for small things to make me happy. A call from a friend at the right time, a dirty joke told by my daughter, a shared ipod at night. That is what makes a really bad day bearable…

So I don’t make plans anymore. Instead I write up a “wouldn’t it be nice if “list. Not only do I allow the universe to surprise me but I make allowance for the idea that I could end up surprising myself….lol! Hell, I never thought that I could sing live on tv and radio. Yet I did and did a great job of it too. Except that first time when I sang  on tv with my eyes closed…but hey…I was pitch perfect at least! Lol

There are a few things I know about myself. No matter how nice I might seem, at my core I am a cynic. Oh, and I get annoyed easily by Disney movies, Jane Austin and bad Afrikaans music.  And if my daughter is to be believed I am also rude and swear too much. Of course I do not believe one bladdy word she says ….

Anyway, a good and fabulous friend popped in for a visit today. This guy is so full of life that I just felt dirty and ashamed (and not the good kind either) sitting next to him. As he talked I had to ask myself just what the hell happened to me. Where did all my spark and lust for life go? These days all I am is one ball of seriousness….

Sure there are many reasons why I have been in a bad mood for the last few years. Don’t worry I won’t bore you with all the details. I will say that I do think I am in trouble. My sister, looking for a pick-me-up on a really bad day, went through my DVD collection while back. In the end she opted for one of my daughter’s DVD’s. “Lord, Auriol, you have no happy or funny stuff to watch.”  

People tend to die in the movies I like. It’s either that or there’s a lot of blood involved. And my music is just as dark. In the last few months I wrote only one really happy song.  Either way I think I have lost the bladdy plot. And in an attempt to get my shit together I have decided to shake things up….

With the help of my best friend I made a list of things I would dare myself to do. Yes, they are uncomfortable things like…trying to cook a new dish every week. Dammit-all I hate cooking! So to get over my troubles I planned my meals for the next two weeks and littered them with new dishes.

It is a long list and I hope to come out of the process a sunnier person. Perhaps I might even smile a bit more and crack a joke or two. I will do my best to forget that saying about the road to hell being paved with good intentions…..wish me luck…

It’s so easy to do nothing or be uninspired. To sit on your backside and moan about the state of the world and all the people in it. You’ve done this….I’ve done it. Some people will do it for the rest of their lives. Now that it’s January everyone’s talking about New Year’s resolutions, how this year will be different and why they will remain inspired and motivated.

As a songwriter/musician you would think it is easy to stay inspired. I mean people are dealing with serious issues every second of the day…all I have to do is pick one and right a song about it. Haha…if only it were that simple! Right now the earthquake in Haiti is giving us all a lot to think about. I asked my daughter this question last night. “Do you think that everything happens for a reason?” Yes, she said without blinking. Then I explained how a family member returning from a war lost faith in not only people but in God as well. “What would you tell someone like that if they spoke to you?” she paused for a few seconds and then said, “I don’t know Mummy.”

Now that is the most honest thing any of us can say. Shit happens to us all. Whether you are caught up in an earthquake of a geological or personal kind….shit happens to us all. Staying inspired and motivated during those times is a serious matter and we all tend to loose the plot if we are not careful. I went months without writing a single song and when I finally could write a song….I listed all the ways I could kill myself! It was awesome…lol!

Right now I am very inspired by a book I am reading. It has given me so many ideas, for not only music.  And it’s a history book…lol! So many of us think that if we just get that one thing right then we will be happy. Get that job, get married, loose the weight, move out….I have ditched that kind of thinking. I am going to do my damndest to be happy right where I am now.

Yes, I will sneak in bits of happiness in wherever I can. Maybe try cooking a new dish here and there. Every so often iron once the clothing is off the line and not wait days until it piles up and I get depressed by the sight.  That shouldn’t be too hard….