Auriol Hays

Awareness through music

If I Had a Boat

No one wants to be angry or angry for too long but I have to be honest. I love that initial flush of anger. You know the stage where you swear badly, inappropriately and at inanimate objects!  I have broken phones  and torched a few items in that phase. It left me feeling justified and for a second – powerful. I could almost hear my shaman Jen (yes, I have one, deal with it) saying, “Auriol, when you are  angry you are giving all your power away.” Again, I didn’t care about any of that as the flames roared…

As I listened to James Vincent McMorrow an unexpected thing happened. The anger was replaced by even scarier emotions: disappointment, pain and sadness. As I looked back into my past I saw how my own actions and thinking contributed to the mess I was in. Pointing fingers only helps for a little while.  And as James whispered into my ears…I cried. In fact the proper term would be howled. I never thought I would hear that sound emerge from so deep within me. Finally I got to say and feel what I needed too – if only to myself. I am so glad my daughter was asleep when that happened.

I know of so many people who let anger rule their lives. I grew up with an angry parent. In the end they hurt themselves more than anyone they happen to come into contact with. So even though I initially turned up my nose when Jen suggested all these exercise to deal with my anger, I am glad I didn’t ignore her. I just had to spend a good few hours crying and writing music after the anger left me to regain my balance.

Does that mean that my toaster isn’t in danger of being terribly sworn at in the near future? Probably not…

posted by auriol in human nature and have Comments Off