Auriol Hays

Awareness through music

Knives out

An addict stole my phone yesterday. What surprised me most was just how angry I became. One part of my brain said, “It’s only a phone and can be replaced.” while the other part demanded vengeance. For a second there I felt like Stefano DeMera… Yes, someone had to die or be mortally injured or go without a few fingers and toes. Now that would make me feel better….Only when I saw how upset my best friend was did I stop. It was his birthday.

Over the last few months I have been fucked around enough by people. I use to think that was careful about who I allowed in my space or shared anything personal with but lately I have been way off the mark. Sometimes I meet people and I know that there is something remarkable about them. More than anything I wish they could see what I see in them….but the sad fact is that people can surprise you in the nastiest ways. Some are just bitches…others are confused…while others just cowards who don’t give a fuck. Yesterday I really wanted to shout at some higher power and say, “Damn you I get it!” I have to find a balanced way of looking at people” My problem is I always tend to focus on their potential future self…and who they can become.

Sometimes I get it right like I did with my husband. When I met him he packed boxes as a side job to get cash. He was such a bladdy broke ass who hated studying! Still I knew that he was much more than he seemed. Now he has achieved more than even the smartest person in his class or those who studied at university. We’ve gone from sleeping on the floor in our first flat and not having a fridge for two years to where we are now. I knew the minute I met him that there was something rather special about him and I was right.

The one thing I am certain of is this – you can have all the love in the world for someone but if they can’t see beyond their demons – they can’t. Now when I think of my beloved lost phone with so many great MUSE songs on them I don’t get upset – I just have to be more cautious around people and vigilant about who I trust. The last thing I want is to become cynical…

posted by auriol in human nature and have Comment (1)

And everything else…

We are all guilty of over-thinking things. When some drama goes down we try to see all the angles, sort out hidden agendas and uncover the “truth”. In short we see everything beside what’s really in front of us. And when we can’t make head or tails of a situation we call up our friends. “That girl is such a bitch,” we say. “What kind of person is she?” we demand. Our friends do what friends do best – they stick their noses and any other body part into the mix and make it their business. In the end what you are left with is a bigger mess and any thoughts of gaining clarity are thrown out of the window. Yepp – you are unfortunately – fooked.

Then you sit alone wondering just how you got into this situation. You review the advice you have been given, listen to depressing music and hole yourself in your house. Well, that’s what I do! And then it hits you…You over-think and analyze, review and dissect so that you don’t have to make a choice – just not yet.

And there is nothing that I hate more than being in Limbo. Now let me give you the esoteric spin. Limbo gives you the time you need to gain clarity so that you can decide. But let’s be real – limbo sucks! And because it does we would rather listen to everyone else than go with our gut. So you don’t like your girlfriend (well not that much to stay with her) and you can’t face up to it or her. So you stay at work longer and find projects to work on so that you don’t have to go home. I am sure you get my point….

Deep down no one wants to admit that they don’t know what’s going on in their lives or how they got there. No one wants to admit that they are lost or feel as though they are out of choices. I could say things like, “all you have to do is decide” but getting to that point is never easy and the more you delay your decision the more people get involved and the messier it becomes.

In the end all you can do is trust – not in others but in yourself and remember that the only way to get out of a situation is to go through it….So when my friends turn to me and ask for any kind of advice all I try to do is listen, give them something to eat, put on Muse and hope that they like the music.

posted by auriol in life in general and have Comment (1)