Auriol Hays

I think about death a lot sometimes. It’s understandable too…I mean we are all going to die one day. And the fact is that no one I know has pegged off yet…so I wonder how I would respond. There are things that I know …theoretically….

I have had strange encounters with some friends that have passed over. My one friend, Theo, told me that he visits his mother with smells. He showed me how he does it too. I saw his mother in the kitchen….and there he was just looking at her ….and she knew it because she stopped what she was doing…she could smell him even though she could not see him. Mind you , he did the same to me! So I know that there is no death….just existence in another plane. And that people don’t just sit around and sing songs once they die….they actually have things they do. How do I know this….well….I “saw” a few things. One of them being a …..hospital in the spirit world …..where the dead where being taken care of. I know how weird that must sound…but it makes sense actually (okay in my mind). Some people when they die do not know that they are dead….so if someone died while being heavily sedated…it’s gonna take time for them to realize where they are…for them to free themselves from their etheric form….or someone who died a very traumatic death. Well, that is my opinion.

Then there is the Hall of Mirrors. This is where you get to see how you influenced others. All your thoughts and action….you get to see and feel their impact on other people. Now this is a scary prospect. I mean…I have said a number of nasty things in my life. But like I said all I have is a knowing….the thing about being here (on Earth) is that you are given the choice to create the life you want. You have all the tools at your disposal. Some people choose to never “wake up” and use them. Now I was not born to rich parents.Everything I have ever wanted I had to work for .Still when I discovered that I can create what I want just by thinking about it….it felt like I hit the jackpot. But what I had to learn was how to do it. This is one of the things I do….I have this box…and in it I place things (or pictures of them) that I really want. It’s actually a lot of fun cutting up magazines and popping them in there. And some of the things that I placed in my box has found its way to me! It’s great! Those things are usually the ones I have the least resistance too….in other words I feel pretty confident that I will get it. So what I realized is that I am only limited by my imagination.

But while it is true that I can create my own reality with my thoughts – there are some things I have to do. For example, I can’t think a lot of money into my life when I am sitting with debt and worried out of my skull over it. I have to take control of the situation and deal with it first. Here’s a personal example. I did not want to deal with my brother’s drug addiction. So I never called home to find out or I would just not ask about him. Do you know what happened instead? I met someone who I really liked…who had major drug issues. And I could not run away because he was in my space a lot. This made me aware of what I was not facing up to….and once I did he disappeared from my life. You can’t run away from things in this life. Hell you are always found somehow. It’s like the guy who keeps going out with the same type of woman. He knows he has something to learn but just doesn’t get it. And I am no better! Being aware of my thoughts is a hard thing. I think so many things and not all of them are good. So I have to monitor them because I know that my thinking about something I invite it into my life….and if I think about it with a lot of emotion I increase the odds of it knocking on my door.

I have just learnt something new. Look I don’t know about you but I get upset easily…yes it is terrible to admit…Anyway. so I learnt a technique to “disengage” when issues come up. Now it is so simple but it’s bladdy hard to do. So let’s say your mother in law is driving you insane…or just doing things that piss you off. On the one hand all you want to do is chuck the bitch outside…while the angel in you tells you to be more calm and collected. The thing is…if you listen really carefully to all the thoughts going through your head you will notice that they all are very different…and this is what causes people (and me in particular) to not know what to do! So when I feel myself getting upset….I stop and observe….I notice what thoughts are going through my head…all the possible actions I could take…all I do is observe my own thoughts.

Now I know that one of the dominant “voices” (don’t think I am crazy) is that of the philosopher… So most of the times I think things through very carefully before even doing anything. But then there’s the irrational crazy bitch inside of me that just wants to cut off a body part! And when I feel any kind of strong emotion….I listen to these voices/thoughts and recognize them for what they are…all parts of me. Some of them I own and other’s that I repress. And then I decide what to do. Granted this does take time …and that is the beauty of it. I am not rushing into anything…saying hurtful things or getting arrested! But it does take time to learn and master….like everything in life…nothing is easy.

I just think that I have spent a great deal of my life…being a reactionary. I always react to situations or people. I don’t want to be at the tail end of everything anymore. I want to be more proactive regarding how I behave in my life dammit! If I fail at this….what am I? Nothing more than a mindless machine always responding and acting in a predictable manner. Now that is sad…imagine that …year after year after year…living the same life…making the same mistakes…learning nothing. Okay, so I don’t know all the lessons I am supposed to learn in this life. But bladdy hell I will be dammed if I learn nothing new….

I went to see a sangoma a while back. Now if you don’t know what that is…I would say these people are the spiritual equivalent of a psychic for the black folks of South Africa. Anyway, a translator was on hand to tell me exactly what the sangoma was saying. And first off…this lady was spot on about everything. I rather enjoyed the experience. But that got me to thinking about ancestors in general…
I do not think of those who passed on that much….maybe that’s because I never really lost anyone that close to me yet. The sangoma suggested that I call my grandmother who is still alive. Naturally I took my own bladdy time in doing it! But when I did I realized just how much fun it was connecting with someone that I love dearly. Man, life is just so fast sometimes that I forget to pick up the phone and call people I care about. Now there is something very wrong with that. And it was a good thing I called my Granny too because someone was circulating rumors that I was a Satanist….(my own mother started it!).

And I let it pass because I know that my mother was just upset at me and needed a bit of sympathy. We had a crazy argument about our beliefs…mine tend to be a bit of everything and hers are…very Christian. Isn’t it strange…each generation feels so estranged from the preceding one…we cannot and do not see the link…that binds us. And that’s what I found most rewarding about seeing the sangoma. She reminded me that the people we love are never too far away…dead or alive. And all I have to do is remember not to forget (someone wise told me that once!)

I read something interesting today that I forgot about. Have you heard the saying “faith can move mountains”? Well, when I think about that saying this is what it means to me. We all have desires and dreams for our lives. What is it that makes one person succeed and another fail? People would often say it comes down skill or perhaps it was simply not meant to be. And let’s be honest…who am I or you to speculate why another person did not achieve their specific goal? Okay…getting back on track…how does this tie in with the saying “faith can move mountains”? Here goes…thoughts create our realities, but when a thought is accompanied by a deep burning desire…it allows for things to manifest easier. I am sure you heard of the saying that many Christian folks say …something along the lines of (and forgive me if I get this wrong) …if many people are gathered in my name…great things can happen (okay that was not exactly verbatim…but you get what I am saying….right?).

Ask anyone who has been really sick and had people pray for them….they heal sooner. If one person’s thoughts create their reality……imagine the power of many people thinking the same thing? Can you imagine what could manifest? But the problem is…most people are focused (and with great intensity) on fearful things….so what do they get.?…bad shit happens in their lives. Bottom line….we don’t really take responsibility for our thoughts. Things are always happening out there…and someone else is always doing it.

Why do I mention this? This morning I got really pissed at my 7 year old. I wanted her to take responsibility for what she did (lost and misplaced a few items). She kept on saying,” it’s not my fault” and bladdy hell in my mind it was! Then I had to ask myself why I was getting so riled up. Well, I got it as soon as she left. She was just showing me something that I do…and refuse to admit at times….that I don’t take responsibility for my thoughts and actions on other people. See, I have thing in my head that says “I don’t really matter to anyone”. I am surprised at times when she says that she used my advice and thinks that what I say has merit! I know…I must get over my shit.

So all these subtle and not so subtle thoughts that I have about myself and people all create my reality…and everyday I have to examine all of them to see what I will keep (and focus on intently) and what I will discard. And to always be aware of the effect my thoughts and actions have on others. Then see who I have in my life…and what they are there to show me. I must be honest and tell you that most of the time it’s my daughter that gets me to see it. Bladdy smart ass!

Think about it…you incarnate into this world….to learn…and experience certain stuff. Half of the time none of us know what the hell those lessons are or how we find out. Most of the time we struggle….and feel caged and alone…disconnected from everything and everyone. We buy into the illusion of the earth plane….and swallow the idea that we are separate from our source without even batting an eyelid. So we spend most of our lives listening to other people hoping they will tell us who the hell we are and why we are here. The thing is…all kids and animals know instinctively that they are part of something so much bigger…there is no doubt. And all my daughter demands is that I see her for who she really it…not a person limited by a body. Yeah, that girl is bladdy smart.

But it’s not that easy is it…to see the light and beauty in a person when you can’t stand their asses?

I really do try to not get into other people’s business….honest I do. But just what do you do when someone close to you gets into real shit? Do you just sit back…try to help them….what? This is what I had to face up to recently. To others this might seem like a silly question. Our first instinct is always to try and help the other person. Organized religion …and conditioning has hammered “Help your neighbor” into us. Still, here’s the real question….what if you’re not suppose to help the other person?

Some people incarnate into this world to experience certain things. Now this might seem a bit harsh. Some women choose to experience loosing a child. Perhaps their lesson is learning to deal with grief. Others choose bodies and circumstances that make adopting an addiction more likely. Does this seem a bit off to you? Consider the following…A man is addicted to alcohol. He lives his life and then passes over to the other side. In the Hall of Mirrors he see the effect of his actions on his loved ones. He is filled with remorse and elect to come back to do better…..to heal those he has hurt…and overcome his addictions. This is what he has decided to do to learn from it.

We are conditioned to help others. Perhaps we think that they can’t handle a situation by themselves, perhaps it gives us a sense of purpose or feeling of superiority. Still, what if by helping them we are interfering with their lesson? I think we are here (on this earth) to learn….we battle our demons and move from one state of consciousness to another….the aim is always growth. Bearing this in mind it becomes conceivable that any kind of crisis, once worked through, creates exponential growth. But how many of us really allow that to happen? When the shit hits the fan…..how many of us …(now this is going to sound disgusting)…allow the shit to settle where it must? Our first instinct is to switch the fan off! And that’s the way it is or some people…they have to hit rock bottom before they can make a turn for the best.

“The purpose of the soul on the Earth plane is to grow. The soul has lived many incarnations, and it is working to free itself from attachment, from, desire, greed, all of the emotional ties which tie many of you to the Earth plane. It is about FAITH, it is about TRUST, it is about SURRENDER to a higher power. Yes, it is about letting go of the Self. The Higher Self will always lead you to safety, and may I say, to a better life, and better conditions. It does not want you to live in a negative way. It does not control either, but suggests the higher way. The Higher Self has all the answers, but the Self keeps getting in the way. The purpose of the soul is to conquer the Self, so that one may experience the peace and tranquility of total love from the Divine, and with all that you need being manifested. There is no struggle, no fear, no desire, just a knowing that all that you need will be there. Often this manifests as more than you desire. Doing this is not easy and the path is rocky and hard. For those who do it, they will find a wonderful way of life. They also have the knowledge that their are no more incarnations, that their time on the earth plane is finished.”

Yesterday I thought I was going mad…loosing touch and heading for the loony bin. Well I am a glad to report that…I am doing much better. And as always….that experience got me thinking about many things. As parents we are always worried about our kids…whether they will adapt to changing circumstances. Truth is… kids deal with change better than adults do. They don’t fight and suffer the way we love to. Kids look at a situation…sum it up…and take it from there. Me, I love to analyze a situation to death. And while there is merit to that…where does it really get me? Yep I end up with lots of guilt and regret and lord knows I am so tired of all that. What has been helping me a bit is my dreams.
Ooh they are really trippy these days…most of the time I forget the detail but always remember the message. And for the past few days the message has been constant….that life is choice and discernment. For me this meant that I get to decided consciously what I want in my life…but I must be very selective. This makes sense to me. So everyday I start my morning and I sit …waiting..for answers to my questions. And I always get them. Then I decided exactly what I would like to experience in my day. Let’s just say I paint a general picture…but I love being surprised by the details and intricacies. I have given up needing to control shit…because frankly I can’t! And for a Scorpio (or any person ) to admit that is a big deal!
So can I say that I am on solid ground? Well, if I keep on choosing to be…then I probably will….eventually!

Sometimes I have the strangest dreams…..last night was no exception…..four weird dreams in a row. And I am yet to figure them all out. But this sparked yet another thought….an obvious one this time. No one can really know the meaning of your dreams…except you. Sure, you can consult a book and get the meaning of some universal symbols…but it won’t always ringh true. But isn’t that just the way it is with life? You wake up one morning and wonder….is this all there is? Now I am not just talking about the state of one’s life here.
It has been said that the illusion of the earth plane is so huge that when some of us pass over….we have to be slowly re-introduced to life on the other side. I had this one friend who liked to talk about the illusion of the world… but he used it as an excuse to not commit to anything. After all why should he…it’s all just temporary and an illusion after all. Still the one thing I learnt is that when you come here…you have things to deal with. It’s not all sunshine and roses. You have work to do and it’s never easy…..In fact all those things and issues that really get under your skin and are rather terrifying…THEY are the ones you seriously have to look at.

Obsession is a terrible thing. I know, first hand, what it feels like. Everything else becomes secondary. Don’t lie and say you don’t know what I am talking about…. you might just have another name for it. We get sidetracked by work, partners or other people’s drama….and we forget to do stuff that really matter to us…write that song, go for a picnic, spend time with family and friends. Here’s the truth…getting sucked into other people’s lives is easy. It’s such a wonderful diversion. It means that you are not looking at your own issues. So often I hear people say, “That lady is such a pest…she does this and that….” How boring! We are all mirrors for each other. And if something about another person really bothers you then you need to do a bit of investigating to find out why.
Look I am no saint. So often I get it all wrong. Sometimes I am so convinced of my own opinion that I become righteous and judgmental. I hate it when that happens. I can’t play ignorant anymore. I know what I am doing….that thoughts have power….that it can harm others and that I am going to have to deal with the consequences sooner or later. But it is so easy to forget. There are so many distractions….
Here’s the fact – what you give out is what you get back….giving and receiving really is the same thing. I really feel for some of my friends who suffer from poverty consciousness….all they know is lack. And by thinking like that…that’s all they get.

I really want to get off this wheel. If you think about it ….becoming “enlightened” it really is an involved process. Becoming aware of your thoughts and controlling what you think is hard at first. Then dealing with any addiction can be harder. For me….I want to be free of all the things that drag me down. Listen, I am sick of feeling bad about my body and doing nothing about it. Tired of dealing with the same issues and people and not really doing anything about it. It really is such a waste.They say that when you die you appear in the Hall of Mirrors. There you get to see the consequence of every thought and action. Not only that but you feel how your actions affected others. This makes me think a lot. I wonder about all those times when I was just really mean or rude to other people. Would I be able to deal with seeing that? Would you?

It’s raining outside….and all I want to do is drink a glass of Sherry or Port and listen to soothing jazz. Now if I could light a fire…well that would be perfect. It really does not matter that I am alone. In fact there are certain things that I can only enjoy alone. The rain is one of them.
I was thinking about prime property. In Cape Town people pay crazy amounts to live near the sea or the mountain. I really feels though property developers are clawing their way into the mountain…building crazy houses for very rich people. The earth is a living entity and sometimes it feels like we are the scabs on her body. Some scabs are festering with puss and disease. It seems that the reverence we should have towards the earth is gone. It reminds me of the American Indian tradition of thanking an animal for giving its life before slaughtering it. Now you might think it odd or weird….but the American Indians revered all life.
In South Africa, as in other parts of the world, that idea seems to have gone out the window. We have lost our connection to each other and our environment. All we see are our individual needs….it’s all about what I want, what I need, deserve or am entitled to. This egocentric way of thinking is fuelled by our economy and anyone wanting to make a buck.
What does this lead to? No one really cares anymore . We are so mired in our ways that very little seems to affect us. And that’s why certain incidents have to happen….it wakes people up. So they can see the greater picture and the interconnectivity of everything. Often it’s a crisis (an accident, a death or an operation) that gets us to question everything in our lives. That process started for me when I gave birth to my daughter. And it has been a hard road.
So on day like this I often think of the healing nature of the rain. How it cleanses and nourishes everything it touches. Yes…it’s high time I stepped into a bath and started my day